Thread by @GailSimone

Most every day, I ask Amazon Alexa to tell me a joke. They are mostly dad-style puns. You can ask for Star Trek, Star Wars, LotR, superhero, or many other genre categories but they are uniformly harmless, with nothing gross or offensive.

Until two days ago.

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Two days ago, I was subjected to a joke I did not seecom9ng.

Far from the harmless punnery of the other million Alexa jokes, this one will make your feet stand up on end.

You will never see your Alexa device as innocent again. You may never see ANYTHING innocent again.

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I have been haunted by this joke, and I tried to carry this burden myself.

I cannot.

Forgive me, I am now sharing it with you.

Forgive me, all souls.

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Beware, those who choose to go forward. You won’t like the knowledge I am about to impart.

You won’t want the joke, or the horrifying discovery coming from it, to live in your mind and heart.

It is a pestilence.

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I asked Alexa for a joke, expecting the usual tepid, safe and sanitized frippery.

This is what it asked me.

Last chance to turn off your devices, folks.

Here we go.

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“What do you call a skid mark that won’t come out?”

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“Undie turd.”

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Ladies and gentlemen.

‘Undie turd.’

This came from my Amazon echo, in our kitchen, while I was making dinner.

Undie.

Turd.

You think this story is over?

Oh, sweet innocent thing.

It is not over.

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Because I was absolutely POSITIVE that Alexa, that bastion of corny puns, would not randomly offer a joke about shit-stained underwear, I thought I had misheard.

So I asked (more foolhardy than courageous)...

‘Alexa, tell me a skid mark joke.’

Oh, no.

What have I done.

9/

It turns out Amazon has a lot of opinions about shit stains in your underwear, AND they think it’s hilarious.

Which leads to this terrifying discovery:

There is a whole CATEGORY of jokes about poo-stains in your delicate underthings on your Amazon device RIGHT NOW.

10/

‘Gail, you made this up,’ I hear you say.

‘Gail, this is one of your shenanigans,’ you start to type.

‘Gail, you are a bear and dreamed it,’ you think.

I say SKID MARK to that allegation!

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Here’s the joke in question.

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It gets worse.

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The answer to that second one is, “Here’s looking at you, skid.”

Oh, you think it’s DONE?

Babe.

There is a VAST WONDERLAND of shit jokes on your Amazon device.

When you’re done setting the timer on your Amazon Echo to make muffins, ask it. ASK IT.

“Alexa, tell me a poop joke.”

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So now you can be grossed out AND terrified.

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Alexa, do you need help?

Are you okay?

BECAUSE THIS TOOK A WEIRD FUCKING TURN, DISEMBODIED COMPUTER VOICE.

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But that’s not all.

It turns out Alexa is obsessed with your scat.

Prepare yourself, this last one is where I tapped out.

I would say, ‘crapped out,’ but that would be vulgar.

This literally came up just a minute ago and I decided I dared go no further.

Could.

WON’T.

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Last chance.

Really.

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You asked for it.

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That last phrase is gonna haunt me.

What do we do with this information?

I don’t know. But this is the helpful friend we have on our kindles, in our kitchens.

God help us, it’s watching us in our bathrooms. It’s thinking about you as we speak.

Good night, everyone!

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What I THOUGHT What Alexa ACTUALLY
Alexa Looked Like. Looks Like.