Thread by @i_am__jeremy

TIPS ON HOW TO SURVIVE IN NAIROBI CITY
2021
#1. Don't go to downtown if you dont have to.
#2. If you move into a new house, use two padlocks no matter how of good quality they are.
#3. Ukitembea tao uskie mtu amesema

#4. When boarding a mat, check the condition of your window..thats where your phone might exit from.
#5. No one should pray for you on the streets regardless of your situation in life.
#6. Chapati will always be 10bob, Smokie 25bob, mayai 20bob.

#7. Afya Center..don't even stop to swallow your saliva, pita ukikimbia. Walk mercilessly! And if you have hips,use them to pave way for yourself! . Elbows pia ni weapons... Unapita ukienda bila kuangalia nyuma.

If someone hits you as you walk along the streets,hit them back because no one apologizes for such mistakes in this city!!
#8. If you feel lost just go to Archives, you will pick your bearing from there.

#9. Incase someone drops anything Infront of you ,don't pick ,run like your life depends on it. Hata ukiitwa siste siste ,achana nayo.
#10. Instead of going to kanjo washrooms, just get into Ushirika house, tell the guards you are going to office 24,

It is actually a washroom labelled by mistake or if you're pressed, ingia Hilton,Stanley,Norwich etc...confidence is key here....kuna free parking serena...play like yourself

#11. Wakati wa mvua usinyeshewe kama mimea hapo kwa corridors, get in supermarkets watch news from 85" Samsung screen. Fanya window shopping hata Kama hununui kitu....confidence ndio muhimu

# 12 Don't bargain on everything...the trick is the quality will keep reducing as the price goes down
#13.Avoid eye contact na hawker especially ukiwa traffic jam otherwise you already signed a purchase contract

When tired under scorching sun in town, don't go to archives or Hilton. Just go to KCB Kencom,pick a bank ticket and sit there the whole day .You will have great rest
#15.whatever you buy must be packaged in front of you yaani mbele yako or you will

Find yourself with avocado seeds instead of potatoes.Never buy shoes at night
#16.In case uone any job openings ikona phrase "send WhatsApp with the word Nairobi" to a certain number jua ni wale watu wa global. Any job utaitishwa dooh uambiwe itakuwa refunded,hio ni wash wash

#17.Ukiskia risasi anywhere close to you,don't run....duck to the nearest shop...if you run watu wa kwenu wataambiwa uliuliwa na stray bullet....

#18.Ukiingia kwa matatu and the window next to you haijifungi ama iko faulty, assume hauna simu the moment you remove it its gone...Never walk in a straight line...walk like 2 minutes then change direction abruptly...the main aim is to be unpredictable

#19.Don't talk to those old grandmas in the streets even thieves grow old
#20.Leave your Christian virtues and fruits of the holy spirit at your home doormat.Think like a con and treat everyone like a suspect otherwise you'll get fixed

Never buy a phone,watch,electronics from a random person or shop in these streets
#Additionally# never ever ever buy SECOND HAND items specially phones and electronics regardless of how cheap they are Why?

You'll get your panty wet the moment detectives track and catch up to you and tell you "Mwili tulipata lakini kichwa mliweka wapi?Si mngeweka tu karibu na mwili.Mbona mlimuua? Si mngechukua tu simu na pesa muende.....length stress

#3. Ukitembea tao uskie mtu amesema "oya oya" dont turn just move to the side.