I've probably watched close to a hundred people die from COVID, working in ICU in the past year during this pandemic.
I know it's been close to 100; over half of patients, when they get bad enough to make it to ICU, don't make it. They just.. Die. No matter what we do. 1/
And it's TERRIBLE. It's AWFUL. It's indescribable.
Caring for someone, getting to know them, their family, yet knowing they'll die, regardless of everything you're trying..
It's soul wrenching. 2/
All we've been able to do for so many is drag it out, slow it down, put it off, but not actually stop it.
I can name SO MANY who died.
I carry them with me.
Every. Day.
I carry their names and their humanity with me, in my memories, in my soul, EVERY. DAY. 3/
I suppose why I feel so strongly about families rescinding DNR orders and aggressively resuscitating a love one who made their wishes know, is that it feels like it devalues that person's death, and in so doing, devalues their individual journey.
Death is sad. It is hard. 1/
But death is inevitable, and the suffering is only for those of us left behind, not for those moving on.
My grandfather was a chaplain for 35 years, and always said that death was never the hardest for those dying; it was always those left behind he had to comfort most. 2/
But that is why we owe it to one another not only to make sure we each live well, but that we each die well.
No one who is dying owes us their dignity to make us feel better about them leaving.
No one else owes us their peace so that we can keep ours. 3/
I just want America to be healthy and take care of one another.
Please stop making things like this.
I am tired of these, too.
Instead, vote for better leadership, and a healthcare system that exists for YOU.
Stop creating a world fueled from your apathy towards your neighbors' lives and well being that has led me and others like me to have to put ourselves in needless danger.
Stop saying that people around you aren't your problem.
Start caring about your neighbors' health, their education, their ability to be sheltered, to eat, and to make a living wage.
Start caring about creating a society of productive, supported individuals.
I'm gonna tell you all a secret: I'm actually still in the camp that this is "just like the flu", if the flu chose to slam us in a pandemic form, a la 1918.
I have seen some nasty flu deaths. The flu has ALWAYS had the potential to do this, we just don't acknowledge that.
Really, ANY viral respiratory illness has always had the potential to do this to us, we've just always felt safer and more secure with a known enemy than a new one, even if that known enemy has always had the potential to be ugly to us and just hasn't for a while.
It speaks volumes that the general public is so lacking in knowledge and fear around even the flu, which killed 5% of the population at one point, that they can't even bother to get a readily available vaccine or treat it likes it dangerous, when it kills thousands every year.
I remember my grandfather telling stories of my great grandmother being notoriously callous and hard. Not abusive, just with a steel exterior, and hard to love.
I never considered why.
She survived WWI, WWII, the great depression, and the 1918 flu pandemic as a Navy nurse.
I have been finding myself pulling away from people, being less touchy, less emotional, more distant, more turned into myself.
Self preservation, coping mechanism, survival skill, whatever I might call it, I do find myself being harder to love lately.
Trying to turn off the fear, anxiety, self-doubt, isolation, and general sense of upending I've felt in the past month around my profession and my personal life, I've definitely turned more inward in an attempt to shut all the noise out.
I have a perhaps lengthy message for all my med-surg and floor nurses, so don't mind me if I take a few seconds of anyone else's time. Feel free to read this, or skip it. I just needed to discuss a few thoughts.
As an ICU nurse, I have been following the talk of needing ventilators with trepidation. These patients who get sick enough to need pulmonary life support also need a lot more: Proning, nitric, high PEEP, hemodynamic support with pressors, etc.
Watching that discussion as an ICU nurse makes me nervous; the mortality rate for ARDS patients even before this virus and stress on the healthcare system was very poor: 50-90%, depending on the various factors. ICU care for these patients is difficult, stressful, and exhausting.