Thread by @LilRedRooster

I've probably watched close to a hundred people die from COVID, working in ICU in the past year during this pandemic.

I know it's been close to 100; over half of patients, when they get bad enough to make it to ICU, don't make it. They just.. Die. No matter what we do. 1/

And it's TERRIBLE. It's AWFUL. It's indescribable.

Caring for someone, getting to know them, their family, yet knowing they'll die, regardless of everything you're trying..

It's soul wrenching. 2/

All we've been able to do for so many is drag it out, slow it down, put it off, but not actually stop it.

I can name SO MANY who died.

I carry them with me.

Every. Day.

I carry their names and their humanity with me, in my memories, in my soul, EVERY. DAY. 3/

I do forget the names of some, because there were too many.

So, so many.

But I remember the name of the first one who with our facility, in our county.

Because they were MY patient that night. 4/

I had to comfort the family, call them in, help them understand, hug them, try to reassure them that the death of their loved one would make a difference in the long run, and that their family member was amazing, they would be remembered, and that it wasn't anyone's fault. 5/

We didn't even know what we were doing then..

We didn't have tools.

We were fighting a brand new, unknown entity that had barely begun to strike everything we held dear.

We didn't have anything that we knew worked. 6/

That wonderful patient died, barely two weeks after we admitted them, and it wasn't anyone's fault.

And a year later, we still don't REALLY have the tools.

We try, and we've gotten better at prolonging and guessing the process, but in the end.. 7/

We don't have the answers, and we know we don't. We show up, do the best we can, comfort, and try to keep humanity and dignity as much as possible.

But I carry the name of that FIRST patient who died in our facility, in our county, with me, FOREVER, because they were MINE. 8/

They were MY responsibility, and their family was counting on me, and all I could do was help that patient die; I couldn't save them.

I couldn't make sure they went and threw their grandkids in the air one more time. 9/

I couldn't do anything to help them, except make sure they had a dignified death, and that their family was able to be with them when he left the Earth.

I, and MANY other nurses, STILL bear witness to people dying from COVID, every shift.

Every day. 10/

We carry all those with us, long after they're gone.

And we always will.

#thosewecarry 11/