I've just found an old chest in my grandmother's basement #RipMawMaw I've dragged it onto her front lawn. Its bloody heavy. 
Somewhere in the house there is huge keyring of keys. Think like a prisoner guard in a medieval prison. The key to the chain has got to be there.
Ok, I've looked everywhere and I can't find them. I need to know what is in the chest. I did find some crazy stuff though. Clearing your Mawmaws house is Craycray.
A Creepy Doll, who name is Aurelius who used to sit in the showerroom. If you removed him, Mawmaw would go bonkers. I'd sing to him while I showered to ensure he didn't get angry with me. I'm still terrified of him.
A box of hair. Everyone in our family is jet black, Mawmaw never had a dog, who's hair is this? Why was it in the pantry, between a box of Oxo and tins of lentils?
Bottle Tops. But only from milk,skimmed milk. Not just four of them but thousands, in black bin bags. Hidden or at least stored in a wardrobe in the spare room.
I've got to get in that chest. What could Mawmaw have hidden away? Going to go look for the keys again.
Just had a call from mum. Asked her about the keys. She's got them. Going to nip over to hers and pick them up.
Its bloody heavy. What is in here? My back is killing me. I've lashed it to the back of my moped #Mopedbaby #mawmawschest (Picture not actually Doreen, my 'ped but a catalogue version. Doreen is Green )
(She looks a bit like this.) Gonna wobble off on it over to Mum's now #PoorlyMadeupDoreen #Mawmawschest
Shit. I mean her. Sorry Doreen. #mawmawschest
And she's out. How is she out? I literally just spoke to her? Still got my key from latchkey school days. Let's go steal some keys from the McFlintock Emporium. Mwahaha #breakingthelawbreakingthelaw #mawmawschest
That was an awkward 50 minutes. Not sure I can talk about it yet. But I do have the keys. #mawmawschest
I'm going to have a stiff drink and a kebab then I'll tell you what happened. #mawmawschest
Right full of grub and had a pint or two to steady my nerves and try and erase what I saw. Deep breath, here we go. So I let myself into my mum and dad's,after mum failed to answer the door. What do I find but my dad bollock naked standing in the front room watching...
Bargin Hunt from mid 2007. He doesn't see me at first and continues to use his testicles as a Newton cradle. I slowly back out the room, reopen the front door and slam it shouting "It's Me". Give him a chance to put some kecks on and change the channel. "In here son"..
He bellows. I go through. He's still in his birthday suit but at least he's no longer conducting scientific experiments with my first home. The TV is paused,David Dickinsons face frozen in a garish rictus,eyes rolled back,tongue lolling out of his mouth. For fucks sake dad...
Why couldn't you have been watching babestation in the nip. That'd would have still be disturbing but understandable. "What you doing here lad?" "Come to pick up some keys of Mawmaws". We don't chit chat. "Aye,I think I've seen them" and he beckons me to follow him...
He leads me a merry dance around the house and never once puts on a stitch of clothing. And he seems to think they'll be under something. 50 minutes of my dad's arse winking at me. I've nothing against nudity but we were never a family that grew up with nakedness..
Dad's new found naturism is an affectation since he retired 3 years back. Mum's not a fan,thinks he's just doing it to see some "nice young fillies in the buff". He denies it and the compromise is he can do it round the house as much as he likes but not in company...
Apparently I don't count as company. Oh crap the hashing #mawmawschest
So eventually we find them. Where are they? Under the pile of clothes dad had shed before his antique show. After a quick goodbye I'm back on Doreen. I'd have opened it there but there's only so much much my nude father I can take. Plus it's booze and kebab time.
And that brings us up to now. So let's crack this baby open. #mawmawschest
Balls. Not a single key fits. There was one which was promising but nope it wouldn't turn. I even sprayed WD40 in it but still nothing. #mawmawschest will be staying shut unless...
I live in a 3rd floor flat so I can't do this here. Back onto Doreen and heading to the Emporium. Bear with me. #mawmawschest
I've purloined dad's petrol hedge trimmer from his garage and have headed to the local playing field to hack into this mutha.#mawmawschest
Got some unwanted attention from some local youths but when you see a man dragging a chest by a huge chain and carrying a hedge trimmer you soon stop giving them lip.
It's making a bloody racket and there's splinters everywhere. But I think I'm in. Finally. Drum roll, let's open it....
That is not what I was expecting. Not what I was expecting at all. Its a large Mason jar filled with solidified jelly (I want to say Aspic but who knows) and within it what I can only assume is a cow embryo. Mawmaw was an odd soul. Why keep this? Why keep it locked up?..
I know some of you don't believe me but look. (Popped into local kebab shop to get the lighting right). Freaky
I swear it just moved.
It's opened an eye and is staring at me.
Wherever I go it turns its eye to follow me. I can't stand it. I'm going to smash the jar.
It's out. It's flailing around.
It's getting to it's feet. It's kinda cute in a "what if bambi had been skinned and had no melanine at all and was a cow foetus". It's tottering towards me.
It's nuzzling my hand. Aw that's cute. Arif the Kebab shop owner wants me to take it away now. It's freaking him out.
Ah the little bitch just bit me.
Aggressive little bugger. He's done it again. I'm moving away from this thing.
It's followed me out of the kebab shop. Bugger off.
It's not listening to me. It's still following. I'll drive off on Doreen. He'll never keep up.
That thing has some legs on it. He Bashed me right off Doreen and into a hedge. He seems chill now. Relax little fella. Relax. He's coming closet. He's nuzzling me face.
Aaaaah.aaaaag.agahajaka.ahdjdjdjdj.sjajsjdkdaaaddjakduakaa.
He's forcing his way into my mouth. He's climbing down my throat. He's inside me. He's inside me. I need to get him out. I can feel him taking over. I need to...I need to....
Moo.Moo.Moo.Moo.Moo.Moo.Moo.Moo.Moo.Moo.Moo.Moo
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