Woah woah woah there let me re-read this
It’s a merry go round of what-the-fuck?

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More from @disappoptimism

9 Jun
Here they come, the people who make you want to mute the popular tweet notifications
“Well actually...”
“This tweet makes me sad why do you like this?”
Read 6 tweets
8 Jun
Oh. Oh no. This is... not a good sign.
If Neil decides to use this channel as a showboat for his interview technique this pony is going to get very tired performing very quickly.
I’m actually big in favour of more news channels & journalism. Even GBnews, if they can hold authority to account & do actual journalism rather than culture war bait then this is important. However:
Read 5 tweets
8 Jun
Yesterday I went to a fun farm theme park place with my boys (inset day).

In the giant wooden play castle area there was a sword imbedded into a block of concrete.

My boys insisted I try & draw the sword out.

Readers : the concrete block was not actually attached to anything
(Me: grunting)

(Grating noise as I suddenly swing a concrete breeze block attached to a steel imitation sword at some 4 year olds)

Also bought a Diet Coke from the shop fridge & when they told me the price I actually said
“I’m only getting one?” So that’s me well on the road to understanding how the economy works again
Read 5 tweets
29 Sep 20
I will always remember first time I took an American to Amsterdam for a bit of a night out:
“Dude, I gotta ask - why are all these women dancing in their underwear in the windows?”

(I raise a quizzical eyebrow)

“How do you mean?”

“Why do it? Do you put tips under r the door?”
“They.... they are sex workers. Prostitutes. Women, men & other of the night. This is a red light district. Hence the red light theme.”
Read 32 tweets
29 Sep 20
My weird dream last night:
My 2 year gets excited there’s a squirrel. Sure enough a big bushy tailed squirrel is sat on the fence at the end of the garden.
“That’s funny” I think, “that squirrel DOES look big”
The squirrel hops down from the fence, slowly crawling, then walking
I realise as it advances that in fact, it’s a very big squirrel, that increasingly instead of moving like a squirrel, its starting to look like Ray Winston in a squirrel costume
My 2 year old is very excited, but I, however, in this dream, am now looking through the patio door glass at a squirrel that’s easily 7 feet tall, excluding its bushy tail.
Read 6 tweets
28 Sep 20
(Date: Tuesday, 3 November 2020 - the final US election results are in. Trump has lost by a massive margin, biggest in history)
(A solemn, beaten looking Trump stares at the cameras)

(His face changes. A cruel wicked smile playing across his face)

(He goes to shake Bidens hand, pulls a knife, slices. )
(Trump holds a slice of Biden aloft. It’s clearly a piece of cake)

(Everyone is screaming as, one at a time, Trump works just way round the room, taking slice out of slice out of everyone & everything. All cake)
Read 5 tweets

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