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11 Jun, 27 tweets, 5 min read
i was in the "lobby," getting booked into county jail when the arresting officer read off my charges to the bruising enforcer. he, the bruiser, said "sweet." I said "uh no it's not sweet." he immediately threatened to throw me into the hole.
i later learned that this bruiser was taken off the streets after retardedly fishtailing a granny on a routine traffic stop. cops are not very intelligent, ya'll. anyway, his punishment was being resigned to jail duty; just like i was. in a way, we were compatriots.
this bruiser escorted me through the booking protocol. i had to strip & lift my genitalia to prove i wasn't smuggling anything before turning around, squatting, and coughing to further reinforce. i asked "are you fucking serious" as he did this. he solemnly replied "yes."
i was escorted into a small chamber w/ a shower. i took a shower, but not before asking the escorting officer and the supervising uuhh maid? if they were going to watch. they said no. i showered. the maid gave me my jail stripes. kind of a cool fit, wish i could have kept it
i arrived in my detention block. the correction officer said some mumbo jumbo, all i got from it was "you're in cell 2:14." i immediately locked onto the second tier cell and the 70 inch screen tv on the wall and realized this was a good cell.
i nodded to my fellow inmates. it was like 11:45 pm & lights were off although just barely. they were staring at me from their cells as i took the stairs to mine. i'll never forget the sound of the door closing behind me as i looked down at my box of bed linens & toiletries
i haphazardly made my bed in blissful ignorance that i would be spending 13 days there as i wait to be extradited to florida. couldn't tell you much about my first cell mates. they all seemed insane, yet were out the door within 24 hours.
the lights flickered on at 5:30 am and it was time for breakfast. i sat down at a table of people that seemed my age. one guy asked me what i was in for. i loudly told the entire cell block and they laughed. i won't tell you. breakfast was grits, boiled eggs, and corn bread. okay
you might be wondering, at this point, why i couldn't just bail out. well, when you have an out of state arrest warrant, you have to stay in jail until that state decides to either give you up or come get you. florida decided to come get me, and i had to wait 13 days for it
days began to pass and everyone was really nice to me. the guards gave me good advice. one noticed me shaking and patted me on the back and said everything will be okay and another said this too shall pass. i gave him a stock tip. he made a grand in 3 days.
i didn't get comfortable until my cell mates were replaced with the folks i would spend the next 2 weeks with. they were a motley crew, but i cant help but think the jail did me a favor by assigning me cell mates i would get along with, relatively. certainly better than violents
one was an albanian amateur MMA fighter w/ drug charges, his brother on the verge of going pro. one was a sad soul who couldn't kick alcohol and meth. the other was a serial shoplifter.
this may seem surpising, but i was very lucky with this crew. they were lucid and conversational and i could actually talk to them, at least when i wasn't reading.
they took me under their wing and affectionally, jokingly wanted to get me ready for "chain gang," a term reserved hardened, prisoned criminals
my cell mate versed in MMA taught me how to fight, taught me all kinds of holds and how to break free from them. he also taught me how to take advantage of my range; i have long arms. the serial criminal taught me how to pop a socket to light a cig or cook summer sausages
the third cell mate would come to me crying as i read in the somewhat outdoor area, alone, reading whatever clive cussler book i could get my hands on. he would have just gotten off the phone with his young son, vowing to never to go to jail again.
more and more would come to me crying as i read outside. i became the detention block therapist. i couldn't really relate to a lot of them, but i would repeat "you are the sum of the 5 people you spend the most time with," this was a big hit
time passed and i spoke to more and more, taught them how to play chess, humbly suggested what to do with their drug money when they got out, humbly suggested what i think they should do to follow the relatively straight and narrow path.
i began talking to the guards. it started when i asked to catch a glimpse of bloomberg or cnbc in the morning so i could see where the market was at. the first answer was no. the second answer was no. they wanted fox. the third answer was yes. finally, i could give my spiel
im 27. i learned just about everyone thought i was literally 17 and being tried as a adult. this was a huge advantage.
i learned that one of my fellow jailmates was having dreams of homicidal visions. i told him not to tell the nurses about it. he was facing 10 years in jail after an armed robbery. just a desperate and sad soul that didn't know where else to go.
i learned that i should read more. we were locked down for about 19 hours per day, most of which i spent reading clive cussler novels. i also read Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.
I learned that a lot of these people felt more comfortable in jail than in the free world. That the free world couldn't provide them the structure they desperately needed.
I learned that jails, and the greater legal system, will provide bogus plea deals to inmates just as they begin worrying about losing their job for no other reason than making money off the desperate and criminal.
time passed and i got closer to my prison mates. i taught them how to play chess and wisely invest, they taught me how to play spades and prepare for "chain gang." i finally got my commisary order and used the chile ramen spice packet on my woefully underseasoned prison food
all jokes aside, the people in jail alongside me were woefully desperate yet, imo, fundamentally good people. their only crime was desperation that most don't ever experience. i can't even begin to articulate how ugly this dynamic is.
im done here for now although i know have more to say but my friends want me to watch the first episode of loki with them. ill revisit this

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