Thread by @brokenbottleboy

In 28 minutes I will watch GB News so you don’t have to. It will probably be covered in tomorrow’s newsletter.

And so it begins with a ham in a darkened room.

And three minutes in he’s already mentioned the Magdalen College, Oxford MCR Queen picture story, while claiming GB News doesn’t care about all that.

9 minutes in the sound has gone wrong and the chat from the gallery is coming in. 🤣

And now there’s a curséd marriage counselling session vibe.

Colin Brasier has just said GB News is “a calling.

GB News will be covering topics such as how you get arrested for simply saying you’re English these days.

Each of the presenters — all of whom have had access to major media outlets — is acting as though they’ve been stuck shouting their views in empty sheds until now.

The first advertiser on GB News was Kellogg’s. Appropriate really as a brand that began with a product designed to stop you wanking.

The first appearance of the worst person in British media, Dan Wootton, looking like he’s just shit himself.

“At 11 o’clock we’re launching a segment called Uncancelled…” says Wootton. Somewhere in County Durham, Darren Grimes just stirred from his wank bunker.

The first appearance of Tom Harwood was correctly handled by having him speaking while not facing a camera.

Tom Harwood — TOM HARWOOD — just said he wants to avoid “client journalism”.

Andrew Doyle looks about as comfortable on camera as a week old corpse, while Alastair Stewart has the demeanour of a pissed Home Counties colonel in a private members’ club that had to be forced to let women in.

Andrew Doyle’s show is called Free Speech Nation. He’s forever silenced is Andrew. You barely ever hear from him.

Gloria de Piero is trying to collect all the doomed media ventures. Having done Times Radio, she’s now at GB News. Meanwhile, Liam Halligan’s last gig at The Telegraph was recording the world’s most curséd podcast with Allison Pearson.

On Dan Wootton’s first show — Farage, Allison Pearson, Lord Sugar and Lord Jonathan Sumption. Wow, it’s stacked full of voices we haven’t heard isn’t it? Incredible that these silenced Lords, political frauds, and national newspaper columnists are FINALLY being heard.

And Andrew Neil’s “no fake news” promise from — *checks watch* — about an hour ago has gone out of the window as Wootton begins with a long Covid ‘sceptic’ — septic? — monologue. “Why not look to Florida, Texas, or Sweden?”, he blurts.

Five minutes into his show and Wootton is already on to slagging off the Sussexes. He’s rushing through his Sun column/TalkRadio greatest shits and showing what everyone knew already — it’s the same old bollocks deep fried and served in a Union Flag napkin.

Benjamin Butterworth from the i newspaper who frequently offers himself up as a chew toy is on Wootton’s first ‘panel’ alongside Carole Malone, the Daily Express columnist we never hear from, and GB News’ own Neil Oliver. So fresh, so thought provoking, so LBC every single day.

Wootton is a terrible broadcaster. He honks out his pre-planned lines and questions with no variation in tone and no nuance. He watches his guest talk like a dog convinced you’ve got cooked chicken in your pocket.

Of course, the only guest being shouted over is Butterworth, who is there to be a liberal piñata, for the rest of the panel and Wootton. He’s a narcissistic mug for popping up so often on nakedly right-wing outlets.

That’s it for my live-tweeting of this grim farce. For more well thought out reflections on it, sign up for free (or paid) to my media criticism newsletter now. Tomorrow’s edition will be on GB News’ first night brokenbottleboy.substack.com

Okay, fuck it. I’ll keep going until the varnished turd has done his party piece.

https://twitter.com/christhebarker/status/1404176390681935880

Wootton’s mic wasn’t working properly at the start of his segment on Free Speech; CANCELLED by his OWN CHANNEL.

And now, joining us in the studio it’s Every Single Prick At The End Of The Bar In A Flat-Roof Pub.

And now they just cut to an ad-break in the middle of Farage saying something. Which is always the correct editorial decision.

Alan Sugar is FaceTiming in from his fifth best shitter, the one themed around Carry On Up The Kyber.

Wootton couldn’t get Sugar to condemn footballers taking the knee and got told off for “asking a bloody stupid question” when he asked whether Ol’ Al had ever taken the knee.

After Wootton quoted some Sun on Sunday bullshit about an Apprentice sex ban, Lord Sugar replies, ““As an ex-Sun man, you know the only thing you can believe about that paper is the date on the front page and the price… everything else you have to take with a pinch of salt.” 😆

Now the body language section.

Dan: “What did we see, Judy?”
Judy: “Not a lot, Dan.”

But now we’re onto “old school power patting.”

Can’t wait for Wootton’s Phrenology Minute.

“Coming up in UnCancelled at 11: Allison Pearson joins me…” Pearson is a national newspaper columnist and novelist, she has been for the thick end of 30 years. She is one of the least fucking cancelled people in the known universe.

Right, see you bright and early with the newsletter 👇🏻brokenbottleboy.substack.com