Thread by @gradydoctor

1/
#InternReflections, Day 2

Me: "Is it normal to feel this afraid on call?"
Her: "Define normal."
Me: "Expected? Regular? Like. . what's supposed to be?"

She took a bite of the room temperature falafel she'd snagged from noon conference to eat on our call night.

*shrugs*

2/
Her: "What do you mean by afraid?"
Me: "Um. Terrified?"
Her: *still chewing* "But of what?"

*silence*

Me: "I think. . . like. . . hurting someone."
Her: "Oh. That. That's normal."
Me: "But like what if it makes you feel dread?"

She put down the falafel. Then she sighed.

3/
Me: "What?"
Her: *just staring*
Me: "What?"
Her: "Do you feel dread?"

*silence*

Me: "I just. . .I think I just think of the worst thing that could always happen, you know? Like. . .someone counting on me and me alone to know everything."

She gave a slow nod.

4/
To be clear, I was in awe of this senior resident. She was this amazing mixture of vulnerable and confident and approachable and badass. I loved knowing that I could be honest about my uncertainties around her.

About patients and about . . .just life.

5/
She stared at me without blinking. And then, after what seemed like forever, she spoke.

Her: "You said 'you and you alone.'"
Me: "Huh?"
Her: "That's the problem. It's not just you and you alone."
Me: *listening*
Her: "Thinking that is dangerous. And yeah, scary."

6/
She stood up and stretched. Then, with her hands on her pager-filled scrub pants, she looked at me.

Her: "It's never just you. You got that?"
Me: *sighs* "I mean, I know there's nurses and attendings and. . ."
Her: "PharmDs and respiratory therapists and PT."

*listening*

7/
Her: "And dietitians and students and transporters and micro lab geniuses and operators and a whole lot more."
Me: "But what about when they aren't there?"
Her: "If you think they aren't it's because your thinking is faulty."
Me: "Hmmm."

*silence*

Her: "Look. I get it."

8/
Her: "But here's the thing--if you go into this knowing it's like a bunch of folks working together toward a goal? You feel better. At least, I do."

Her pager went off and she looked at it. Then she spoke again.

Her: "And what's funny is . . . it's like doing the trapeze."

9/
Me: "Huh?"

*laughter*

Her: "Like. . .a trapeze but with the net under you. You fall some at first. But once you realize the net is there, you fall less because you aren't worrying about it so much."
Me: "I like that."
Her: "Or another pair of hands to grab onto."

Hmmm.

10/
Her: "Plus you have the patient. The patient is always there and--hand over heart--that's who almost ALWAYS knows what's up."
Me: *nodding*
Her: "Like, if they say, 'Something's REALLY wrong.' Stop everything. For real."

*beeeeep*

She stuffed her feet back into her clogs.

11/
Her: "Okay, little grasshopper. We have a new friend down in emergency."
Me: *standing* "Okay."
Her: "And our friend sounds pretty sick. But guess what?" *winks* "He's got us."

I followed her as she trotted toward the elevator. And somehow, I felt a little less afraid.

12/
Because yeah. He had us.

Me.
Her.
And the whole net.

Yup.

Was that my last time being afraid in residency and beyond? No way. But it was a pivotal moment that helped me to stop thinking of myself as some omniscient and omnipotent island in medicine.

Yup.

13/
Advice for new (and lifelong) interns:

* It is never you and you alone.
* The net is there if you open your eyes.
* The patient is, too.

and also

* You can and will fly. You just have to let go.

Okay?

#humanismalways
#whatifyoufly
#fearisaliar