Thread by @Conaw

Last week learned my Uncle Tony (the one who introduced my parents) had passed.

Parents had just arrived back in the States from the funeral when we learned my Aunt Margo on Dad’s side has passed as well

If you’re praying type, would appreciate prayers for my family, and for me

https://twitter.com/conaw/status/1403043831101104129

Everyone talks about how anger covers up grief. The anger makes sense though, always so crystal clear where to direct it

Sitting in my truck right now flooded with more sadness than I’ve felt in ages, and strangest thing is how confusing and illegitimate the sadness FEELS.

I’ve been joking all week about how the beautiful thing about having two huge Irish families is that we can lose a few and still have plenty to spare

Then sadness hit like a wave, but feels fake, like I have no business feeling it, no right to it.

I feel guilty, almost ashamed.

I’ve been feeling conflicted about tweeting this too, cross examining intentions.

Am I trying to make a “lesson” for myself or y’all out of this?
Yes. Feels fucked up

Chasing clout with performative vulnerability?
Yes. Disgusting

Trying to make excuses for anger?
Fuck NO!

Yes

Honestly wonder how I could even feel this sad for my aunt and uncle. Everyone loses family, who the fuck am I to feel so sad about it?

As though sadness is only acceptable if the loss is unique or special.

start asking if I’m just feeling sorry for myself, sad I’ll die someday

Just like that, the sadness is gone

Found a way to replace the grief with self-loathing, summoned familiar anger against myself

I feel strong and clear eyed and sharp and furious again

And then one you bastards sends me 🫂 and I’m fucking 😭 again, and I see I want to feel sad

I’m seeing all these places this year where I’ve covered up crippling fear and loss with blistering rage, seeing how the “get up, stop feeling sorry for yourself” is another strategy to summon anger and bury grief

Feels like might be good to be mourning more than Tony and Margo.