Thread by @AngeloBCollie

Excerpts from Lauren Boebert’s forthcoming book on American history. [A ridiculously long thread]

God told Columbus that he needed to go on a vacation. Columbus built an ark and loaded all the animals of Europe on it. Except the unicorns. The unicorns were too gay.

God, however, knew that Columbus was a coward, so he invented a story about how he could get to China by sailing west.

Columbus wasn’t very good at geography, but he was good at following directions. When his trip to China was inconveniently blocked by a whole continent,

Columbus realized that God works in mysterious ways. He unloaded all those animals in Florida and they spread out over all of North America.

When he encountered other humans, at first he was troubled. Whoa, he said. There are other human here! When he knocked on the doors to

their huts to share the joyous news that their souls were finally ready to be saved, he was shocked that they did not speak English. Columbus didn’t speak English either, but he was taking classes.

Columbus planted the American flag in the holy soil of North America and

said, “It is good.”

Years later, The Chosen Orange One would live on that site. Proof that God loves America, and Florida in particular.

Then a bunch of other stuff happened.

Somebody discovered Africa and said, whoa, these people deserve better lives! We must show

them America! Happy white warriors that they were, they offered free passage to America. To protect them from unexpected turbulence, they invented the first seat belts, made of iron, but nylon hadn’t been invented yet.

When they got to America, the happy white warriors realized that the Africans couldn’t speak English either! Why didn’t they disclose that before they accepted their free trip to America?

Early on, the happy white warriors realized that once people heard what a magical place

America was, everyone would try to get in. So, an enterprising ancestor named Rump built a wall with turnstiles so these tourists could pay their way in. And it was good. Rump became known as the Rump, and it was shortened to tRump by his many admirers.

Then a bunch of other stuff happened. And in a moment of weakness, Americans elected Democrats into office, and the wall fell into disrepair. And people whose ancestors couldn’t speak English thought they should vote! Of course God smote them. There might have been

collateral damage, but hey, God, ya know.

There was a collective sigh of relief when guns were invented by an enterprising young Republican named AR. Really, his name was Samuel, but he was a pirate and said Arrrrr a lot, so he got a nickname.

These days, everyone who’s anyone has at least one gun, and God has subcontracted the smiting business to those who remember his name as they fire their weapons or who call his name out in religious or sexual ecstasy.

And this is why America is the greatest country on earth. Unlimited smiting! Guns for those who matter!

If you liked this brief true history, please donate all your money so I can continue my pilgrimages to the Holy Land of Florida. Or subscribe to my OnlyFans page.

PS: If you've read this far and don't already realize it, this is satire (mostly). Don't donate any money to her campaign.