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Bachman Profile picture
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4 Aug, 5 tweets, 1 min read
BREAKING: TWITTER TO LOWER CHARACTER LIMIT FROM 280 TO ZERO

USERS WILL BE ALLOWED TO CHOOSE FROM FOUR PRE-SELECTED MEMES:

1. "I DID A THING"

2. "MY 4YO AGREES WITH MY MARXIST POLITICS"

3. "____ IS A HUMAN RIGHT"

4. PICTURE OF AMAZON FOREST BURNING
PREMIUM ACCOUNTS WILL BE ALLOWED TO RETWEET ANY OF THE FOUR PREVIOUS MEMES AND ADD "BITCOIN FIXES THIS"
VERIFIED ACCOUNTS WILL BE ALLOWED TO RETWEET SLATE ARTICLES AND ADD "FOLLOW THE SCIENCE, PEOPLE"
USERS WHO SERIALLY TWEET THE FOUR ALLOWED MEMES IN A QUATERNARY ENCODING OF THE ENGLISH ALHABET IN ORDER TO SHARE ORIGINAL CONTENT WILL BE PERMENENTLY SUSPENDED AND HAVE THEIR INFO PASSED TO THE FBI
JACK DORSEY'S CHARACTER LIMIT WILL BE RAISED FROM 280 TO 560. DORSEY TWEETS WILL BE IN MINIPAX FONT. FOLLOWING MANDATORY.

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More from @ElonBachman

Bachman Profile picture
2 Aug
Has it occurred to the jab-ronis that many of us have a deeper reason than "distrust" to avoid the vaccine?

My reason:

I have a life, and I don't care about COVID. Spending even five minutes waiting in line for a jab would be an extravagant waste of my time on earth
Getting the COVID vaccine is, for me, as appealing as signing up for a rewards card at a grocery store in a city I don't live in

And the louder people yell about how much sense it makes, the more resolved I become that they are dangerous rascals
"But Bachman, if you will only follow me through fifteen minutes of data analysis, I'll show you that the jab would add seven quality adjusted minutes to your life expectancy!"

Right, piss off. I could reorder your life in a thousand salutary ways. But it's your life, not mine.
Read 4 tweets
Bachman Profile picture
2 Aug
Aboriginal Sin?
The conservation of structure in Woke liturgy is frankly beautiful

You can build glass and concrete barriers against the Pleistocene, but the humans inside will still invent gods to propitiate, sins to expiate

Like cultures on separate continents independently inventing the bow
It's why I laugh at "Great Man" accounts of Jesus or Mohammed

The Iron Age was always going to give us messianism

The simultaneous deification of George Floyd & similar scoundrels abroad tells you these movements are epiphenomenal, statistical mechanical, economic, inevitable
Read 5 tweets
Bachman Profile picture
30 Jul
At a buddy's restaurant in Zambia, this is how the staff would steal sausage. Larger items, like chickens, would be snuck out in the mop bucket, or shoved through the wall where an old AC cover hid an empty space Image
Native Americans lived in deep harmony with nature. When a Native American killed an animal, it was like killing an old friend, and he consecrated the act with piety and reveren--

Oops. Image
I'd assumed the insult "smooth brained" had been invented in the last few decades

But apparently the Bantu were using it as early as the 1950s?

Separately, imagine the familiarity you'd need with corpses to notice a 10% difference in brain volume Image
Read 5 tweets
Bachman Profile picture
29 Jul
"Freedom" was only ever an armistice between elites, a sort of incidental DMZ that we later mistook for a park

The average person is terrified of freedom, resents others when they have it, and loves to see it hoed under
The Magna Carta is a good example, and there are many others like it. A couple of nobles get strong enough to bring a king to heel, and they carve out some principles that look like freedom

But the masses themselves are incurably bovine:
A conceit of modernity is that b/c capitalism put the peasants into luxury and allowed them to buy degrees, that they sincerely hold liberal values

But today's college grad is still a peasant at heart. He still wants to throw salt over his shoulder, propitiate Gaia, burn witches
Read 5 tweets
Bachman Profile picture
29 Jul
If they make a sequel to Watership Down it should be called Warren Peace
It would be a better name than Starsky In Hutch
But you probably shouldn't see it in the theater if you're angoraphobic
Read 4 tweets
Bachman Profile picture
28 Jul
Another day, another lying doc going mega viral

Arkansas has oodles of empty ICU beds

It's like they don't know we have access to the data
I love the casual lie at the end for extra points

"Hello, Neighboring State? This is Arkansas. Have you any beds? No? Drat!"

By the way, all the neighboring states have tons of hospital capacity too
I just called a Unity Health hospital in AR and spoke to a "nurse manager" in ICU. She flagged down her boss, who claims there is currently 3% spare ICU capacity in the state.

97% ICU utilization is what used to be called "a busy week"
Read 5 tweets

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