Thread by @UjuAnya

A good friend told me about her handyman, who subjected her to a misogynist, homophobic and, frankly, very scary experience. I'm enraged about the whole thing and can't stop thinking about how men treat women who live alone as their personal entitlement.

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My friend is a working professional who lives alone with her young child. She's also a very out lesbian, who never had any relationship with a guy. One day, the handyman she occasionally calls to help with household repairs came over dressed up and carrying flowers. 2/17

She has employed this man for 4 years, at two different houses. Out of nowhere, he declares he's in love with her. My friend was shocked. She's never had any non-work discussion with him, nor did she ever give him any impression she was interested. Plus, she's a whole dyke. 3/17

My friend didn't even invite him in when he came to "discuss something important." He asked to come in, but she said she preferred to speak on the porch. He said he's deeply in love, been having all these feelings for years, and now he can't hold back anymore. 4/17

The handyman said he told his family about my friend, they "approved" saying don't miss your once in a lifetime opportunity with such a good woman. This man never spoke to my friend, but spoke to his family. And they told him to go ahead and sexually harass his employer. 5/17

Shocked and alarmed, my friend told dude she has no interest in him and reminded him she's a lesbian. He said, yes, he knows, but she stays alone and needs a man in her house and her life, and only a man like him knows how to "handle her" and can truly satisfy her. 6/17

After telling a lesbian he wants her, and she needs him, cuz she hasn't found the right man, dude tells HIS EMPLOYER that, for full transparency, he has a small dick, but he knows how to use it, and she won't be disappointed. When last you describe your penis to your boss?? 7/17

My friend is horrified wondering how she ended up a feature in her handyman's delusions. She tells him she had no idea and never encouraged it. He asks, how didn't you know? That other time I sent you flowers. She said, my relative died of COVID, everybody sent me flowers!! 8/17

Man said he owned 3 homes, was expanding business, and knows people consider his work dirty, but he makes lots of money and can give her everything. Manipulating the narrative to frame her rejection as her being elitist, not that she just doesn't like him and IS A LESBIAN. 9/17

At this point my friend says no, you don't know me, we never talked about any such thing, I'm not interested, and I don't understand why you discuss me with your family. Man says, I can't believe this is happening to me *again* this always happens, I'm so unlucky in love. 10/17

Dude then says, my feelings for you are so strong, I don't think I can handle working for you anymore, so I quit. My friend was like, I think that's the best, because under these circumstances, I no longer feel comfortable around you, goodbye. He left her house crying. 11/17

Media and pop culture create ideas of what love is and which types of attitudes and behaviors demonstrate love. They give us examples of what's supposed to be romantic and loving, like this man's fantasies and declarations. But NOTHING he said or did showed love. 12/17

Dude accosted his employer, admitting he's been watching her, fantasizing and talking to people about her, making plans to come enter her home with her and a small child. Never spoke to her or consider *her* feelings, completely disregarded the fact SHE DOES NOT WANT MEN. 12/17

Now, my friend has a serious security risk in her life. A man who knows where she lives and there's no other adult there, plus details about her schedule, is running around hurt and rejected. A man who obviously doesn't respect her and can't control himself or his emotions. 13/17

Same man probably thinking he made a grand gesture of love, when he just angered and frightened a woman with his self-absorbed, misogynistic, homophobic, disrespectful, stalker bullshit. And he lost a job, cuz he couldn't control himself from sexually harassing his boss. 14/17

And why? In our patriarchal society, when a woman lives alone and doesn't appear to have some sort of male "owner" (lover, husband, relative, etc.), men assume she's open, available, and fair game for whatever they feel entitled to get from her. 15/17

The feeling of entitlement to women is also a conviction men should be the center of women's lives, regardless of our wants and desires. That's why a man can say he's in love and get "approval" from others to propose to a LESBIAN he never had a personal conversation with. 16/17

I'm enraged and very concerned for my friend. It was obscene and unfair for that man to subject her to his irrational, unwanted, insulting display. The peace in her home is disturbed by fear of what more this jerk thinks he wants and can do. An awful mess. 17/17

Thanks to all for your kindness. My friend is on Twitter and sees your comments. She said his only contact since then was a FB friend request, and she blocked him. Also, she has new locks and security with cameras that ping her phone when anyone comes within 25ft of her house.

This handyman has been trying to insinuate himself in her friend's life for a while, but she kept very strict boundaries. When she bought a new car, he said she should've called him first to look at it. Same when she bought a house, he asked why didn't she call him to inspect.

Both times she told him she didn't need his help or input in her decisions, that she only calls him for household repairs. Like all women, she was aware men who volunteer to do favors like that might be keeping track of things they "did for you" to earn a place in your bed.

Never once she crossed any lines with this man nor give him the slightest encouragement or sign she wanted any personal relationship. Everything he did and said came from his own fantasies and feelings of entitlement to possess her, calling his frightening delusions "love."

This is our burden as women. See our perspective. A man with access to your home (and child!) decides he wants you with no regard for what you want. For us, it's not love. It's a threat. This man with no self control, boundaries and notions of consent will rape you, and worse.

There's also the additional concern as a lesbian. Many men are obsessed with lesbians and feel we only need to "find the right man" which is usually them. Men also target lesbians for harassment, sexual violence and, "corrective rape" to force us to into our "natural" place.

These are frightening realities we face daily as women, first and foremost, and as queer women trying to navigate a violent patriarchal society like the US and many other places. When we call attention to these problems, we're accused of exaggerating or being man hating liars.

Some here in replies and quotes are trying to lie, pretend, and minimize this episode into just “a guy who shot his shot and missed.” First, note those people and their accounts, because they’re predator apologists. Second, see this thread where I address their argument.

https://twitter.com/ujuanya/status/1428691479288029188