Thread by @abidisays

Ok so I'm done with the write-up on the #RishtaTrolley System, a #TwitterSpace on which was hosted a couple hours ago by @fay_alif
Hang on guys, this is going to be lengthy (but super useful).

Thread:
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@fayalif recently hosted a space on the topic of #RishtaTrolley system, which first made me feel irked, but then curiosity (more like #FOMO) got the better of me.

So join, I did.
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Quite a few people were sharing their experiences, and opinions on a few related / sub topics as well. And it was a well managed space, maza aya to be part of this online baithak. This thread covers most of what was discussed and shared there.
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Several ladies shared their horror stories that highlight, as is not unknown or uncommon, the horrors and trauma they go through when they reach marriageable age.
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A gentleman shared his story in the beginning too, and the bits I caught emphasized some important points:
As a man in the local / desi environment, the men who are looking for a partner or whose families are looking for a partner for them, can shape the course of this process 5/

to a great extent. If a woman says she wants to speak to her prospective husband before giving her family the green signal, she’s often shushed. But a man can definitely pull this off. So men, man up and utilize this privilege to help a person match better - if you make sure

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that prospective partners get to talk, you can help an otherwise curbed woman say her piece and decide for herself as well as with you, whether you two are a good match or not.
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Some people shared horror stories of how they were led around and had to pay through their noses for zilch results, in the name of #rishtaaunties making matchmaking a business (money minting & quick buck machine for the most part). That sucks guys, cmon, educate your elders. 8/

Remember, learning is a lifelong process. Some men have had their pictures circulated around beyond families they wanted to approach, so that more (women’s) families could fleeced just to get connected to the guy’s family because larka bahar hota hai and abroad ka rishta hai.
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As someone who doesn’t really have any personal rishta trolley system stories to share, hearing a couple of questions, I raised my hand to pitch in to the discussion, and I’d like to share those pointers with larger audiences too,
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especially since I see youngsters on here too. I’m sure they could definitely use the pointers.
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I contributed from the perspective of someone who has done matchmaking feesabeelillah (FOC) for around 4 years. The purpose of our team of volunteers was to eliminate the trolley system, which has more cons than pros. Some of these cons include:
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Objectification of people, mostly women
Exhausting and long drawn out process
Costly process for families of girls (having to dish out trolley after trolley, sometimes multiple times a day)
Lack of decency (mostly) by guys’ families, going over to “check out” a girl ...

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(insensitivity, superficial focus, no closure - several people came to us because they’d not proceed further with other potential families/matches because they had committed to wait on a previous family’s response, while said previous family never bothered to inform them that
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they wouldn’t be moving forward with that candidate / profile, to name a few)
People being stuck in age old customs when the world is hurtling forward in the 21st century
Unreasonable and illogical demands of people (for both genders, mind you)
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Families, especially those of women, facing stress and rising tensions, and holding off on own plans
Candidates, again mostly women, suffering from deteriorating self-esteem, wasted time & effort (and even money & health), and reduced perceived self-worth, leading to a life
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that could definitely be better

And these are just off the top of my head.
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When I dropped it, my reasons were more than just life happening: the system left me disgusted, disappointed and dejected, and I exited, planning to perhaps continue once again in the future.
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Even when people came to us because they were facing issues on their own, the purpose of marriage and the process of searching for a partner just did not align.
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And during this space, listening to people’s stories, revisiting a phase in life which I’ve long passed at least for the first time, all I was reminded of, was that if as someone who was just a matchmaker, a connecter, I couldn’t put up with the bs of this system,
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I can only imagine what people go through when looking /waiting for a good match.

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1 of the questions I answered was where do people get good matches from if their families/mothers don’t have a social circle? How can they prevent themselves from the trolley system & from falling prey to rishta aunties who are in it more for the $$ than 4 the actual purpose?
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Twitter at this point is showing me a message that goes:

"Hello, wordsmiths.
We now have a newsletter tool. Learn More."

Shall do.

Continuing

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To those people: please know there are several matchmaking forums and websites now available. Look for those that are genuine, have good reviews and processes they follow, and charge minimal to nothing for their volunteering services.

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Additionally, please know that an existing social circle of your elders is not the only way to start looking for a potential partner. This is something I’m adding in this thread, couldn’t cover during the session, but:

Second thread after this, apparently 25 is cap.

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Men and women can always take up jobs and build a network there (see this here is one benefit of women being in the workforce)
Look for volunteer positions where you can add value with your skills and experience

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Pursue further studies (arts and crafts classes, coding classes, certificates / diplomas / degrees, etc)
Join clubs and societies
Travel
Start something (blogs, vlogs, small business, social work - build networks, make friends / connections, connect with people).

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You can even start helping out people in your own muhalla (maybe teach the kids of the muhalla, or help people in the neighborhood with a common problem or start a society or help with daily chores and stuff) and get known.

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Basically, build networks (make friends, get to know people, form genuine connections). And when the time is right and the opportunity arises, do not hesitate to inform your trusted connections to keep an eye out for potential rishtas for yourself or your family members.

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Another, and a very important question, was what to look for in a partner, especially when it’s the elders of the family doing the rishta hunting for you (and based on this point, another member of the space brought up a very important point, which I’ve touched upon later).

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Answering that question:
Nobody can make your decisions for you, so make sure that even if you don’t get to talk to your potential partner yourself, both of you get sufficient, correct, and valuable information about the other so that

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you may base this very important decision of your life accordingly, rather than blindly.

Find out if your life goals & values align: this means stuff like whether you both want to live in a nuclear family or a joint system;

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are you guys spenders or savers / how do you guys believe in managing finances in general as well as, as a team; do your lifestyles match; do you both want kids or not, and if you do, by when do you see yourself having kids, how many, who will be the main caretaker of the

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kids when they’re young, will it be a 50-50 effort or are you both okay with the typical gender roles; do your life goals match - do you both want to achieve a lot, individually or together, or do you just want a good companion for a simple life,

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do you both travel often and love to, or are you more of settlers, totally depends what you want to focus on / what’s important to you both; and so on.

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Everything else (looks, color, creed/caste, residence, etc), is secondary, temporary, and not guaranteed.

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Of course, people evolve, as someone mentioned. But it would be a given that a team which starts off with minimal work to do in terms of team forming, storming, norming, would perform better and begin performing faster, rather than

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if they started off with a larger mental, emotional, and practical gap between them. When getting married, it is more important to start off on a better understanding, than to first get married, and then struggle for some of the most beautiful early years of your married

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life trying to come to common ground. Set the right expectations, and that can only happen through open, thorough, and the right kind of communication among the right stakeholders, at the right time. Basics, people.

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One of the general questions the discussion focused on was: what is/are the solution/s to the toxicity of the rishta trolley culture. Answering that I highlighted these points (please feel free to add more):

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Everyone needs to understand that everyone is human, and everyone needs to value themselves. Be you the larki walas or the larkay walas, you are worth something, you matter, and you are all equal human beings. You all are human.

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Very interestingly, I've seen families take on a completely different personality/stance/attitude when they’re the guy’s family, while when the very same families are looking for a partner for their girl, they actively submit to the harshness of the TS. What gives, people?

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When you know your own self worth, as an individual as well as a strong-knit family (yep, coming to that point) you will have no shame or fear in laying down your terms of how you want to go about the process. Like, there are 7-8 billion people on the planet,

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and you have your entire lives to find a match (read more below about this)

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- Educate yourself and your families that in Islam at least, shadi is sunnat, not farz.
- Marriage is not the sole purpose of life
- Nor is it absolutely necessary to check this item off the list right after you graduate or reach a certain age. Take your time. Just like
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you do when you’re looking for matching buttons and laces for your suit, or when you’re making a decision about what car to buy or where to invest in property or which university to apply for or which company to get a job at.

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When you invest so much time and effort and mind in such decisions, how can you imagine blindly going to someone’s drawing room and letting a third person decide the fate of the rest of your life for you…?

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Remember the purpose of marriage. Read up. Shadi is not something you have to do just because everyone has to do it or everyone so far has done it. It’s a social contract of companionship, partnership and teamwork.

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Do not let the notion of weddings distract you from the notions of marriage.

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Know that your parents & elders belonged to another generation (linked to the same point I promise I’ll just touch shortly). They have different ways, beliefs, systems etc because they lived in a different time. And they’re not the ones who

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will live the rest of your life for you. Your life, your partner, your input, your decision.

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Know that matchmaking is a 2-way street. There should be no shame in both sides carrying out their due diligence. In fact, in the case of lack of due diligence, you yourself will be blamed. People are very ...excited & paish paish when they have to make decisions for you,

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but equally, if not more, absent in the face of the consequences of decisions that go wrong. In the end, aap ne he karna hai sab, aap ne he jeeni hai zindagi. Not for your parents, not for your kids, not for society, but for yourself. With your partner.

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This brings us to a very important point that a gentleman raised, that part of the problem is that our parents always think of us as children, (to paraphrase). As children of our parents, we are not their property. As parents, we do not own our children.

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And if children have reached a marriageable age and are not able to make that decision for themselves, or at least give important input and stand up for important aspects of this decision making process, then it’s a sharam ka maqaam for both the parents and the children

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in this situation, that as educated adults you can’t pitch in &/or stand up for yourself and/or your potential partner (man or woman).
Remember, it is not your responsibility to have kids. What is your responsibility is to do justice to the kids you do have (planned or not).
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Wrapping up, just want to highlight that you need to know that you do not complete anyone else, nor does anyone else complete you. People only compliment each other. So until you find yourself a good match, do not stop working on completing yourself, before you decide to

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settle with someone you think should compliment you and who should compliment you.

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Oh, and do not try to change someone. Choose only and exactly who you want to spend the rest of your life with as they are. Read that again. AS THEY ARE. If someone wants to only stay at home as a dad or mom and never earn but only manage the house and kids, do not expect

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them to, at your beck and call, change who they are after marriage. If someone wants to pursue a career or business or hobby or studies, because that’s who they are, do not expect them or force them to change who they are after marriage just because they got married.

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You married them for a reason: who they are. And if your reasons change after marriage, well… not cool. And is khulhari ka aap ke payr pe parne ke zimmedaar aap khud hon ge. #commonsense

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The discussion in this space ended on a light note with a lady sharing how every man she connected with for the purpose of marriage, even if they were rejected by everyone else, they’d get married to someone else when she’d consider them for marriage.

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She delegated to her mom the responsibility of finding her a partner, but then, we have the #istikhara card also, so she still had no luck for a long time. Here’s wishing her a kickass partner

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(someone who wouldn’t screenshot for their mom to vet conversations misrepresented based on twisting of the components of Urdu lughat) at the right time <3

#ShadiMubarak

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PS. To all who choose it.