Thread by @DouglasJBooth

I just watched Pray Away on #Netflix and it was…tough. Opened some buried memories and there were scenes that truly resonate with me. I know it’s hard for some closest to me to understand some of what I’m working to heal from but I’d recommend this film as a great start

I never was sent to conversion therapy. My parents sat me down and asked if I was gay when I was in 6th grade after they found gay porn on the family computer. I denied it but they insisted that they were ok with it if I was. This scene repeated itself multiple times

In high school I was moved to a rural school district and needed a group to fit in. And it could not be something like theater, that would give me away. So I chose the church. I fully took it in. I literally have read the Bible cover to cover multiple times. Even the boring books

The church did a number on me. Like other things in my life, I want to learn as much as I can if I’m involved. The Catholic church was no exception. This was also around the time that the altar boy scandals really started making the news. The gays had infiltrated the church.

Each time I went to a youth group retreat, I prayed to make these feelings disappear. Each visit to confession, I begged for forgiveness. I never admitted this to anyone. I dated girls, I lost my virginity to one. Another sin. It’s what I needed to do to fit in.

Despite my parents repeated their love to me and that they do not care if I am gay, I had to be “normal.”

There is a scene in pray away that is a prayer group in a house. I’m not sure what was said in the film, but I remember what that room feels like. It is contagious.

I remember retreats where I’d be on my knees sobbing. Begging whatever god there is to change me. People around me were captivated by the Holy Spirit’s effect on me. That wasn’t the case at all. I was in anguish.

I’ve been asked why I am so anti-religion, and I’m truthfully not. For anyone that uses religion and faith to better themselves and the world around them, they’re doing it correct. But then there are so many others.

I have exactly zero of the “friends” from high school. I came out when I was 21. One by one each explained to me, or to the world we shared that they love me but they couldn’t that lifestyle.

MTo this day, it hurts. I don’t dwell on it, nor do I forget

I’ve been struggling with the impact that the church has had on my life but I haven’t ever been able to explain what it is that they even did. I have no interest in becoming a member of any churches. I am skeptical and defensive around overly religious people

But there are exceptions in my life that have shown over and over what being a Christian is supposed to be, @MirandaCrawford @LeaChandonnet to be specific.

It’s a journey for me and I don’t know how long it will take. I recommend this film though, but it is heavy! #prayaway

@MirandaCrawford @LeaChandonnet @threadreaderapp unroll