Thread by @albyselkie

Asking folks to watch—I mean actually watch—this bodycam video of police interaction with #GabbyPetito and #BrianLaundrie shortly before she went missing. Therr are new developments in this case (now he’s gone too) but I mostly want to discuss #domesticviolence CW: DV, abuse, etc

https://twitter.com/crimechaser/status/1438469811756011521

While I’m not a MH professional, I grew up in an abusive home with a violent narcissist. & bc of that, I’ve also had my share of unhealthy relationships. So, yes: I see this through a lens of personal experience but I’d hope my educated observations add value—NOT distorted facts.

Not here to go over inconsistencies in Brian’s story (although there are a LOT of them if you look) but to discuss how police could have saved a life (or more) but instead chose to fall into ancient tropes about the “crazy gf/ex” & “emotional=unreliable”. Let’s start w/the van.

It’s HER property. She bought & paid for it. The conflict is stated to have been centered on Brian locking Gabby out of her own vehicle (out of a need for “space”) & her (in hindsight obviously warranted) fear that he was going to drive off & leave her in the middle of the desert

So in the video she is crying, apologetic. Desperate, even. She minimizes his behavior & exaggerates her own. She’s terrified of being alone. Particularly terrified of losing him. Well Alby if she’s being abused why would she worry about losing him? BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT ABUSERS DO

Abusers make you feel like you’re the villain, like you can’t survive without them, like you’re trash, like no one will believe you (too often this part is true). Abusers do this instinctively to maintain control over you bc to them, bc their having that control is *everything*.

The fact that she’s this freaked out should be a red flag to the police, not of her “abusiveness” towards a much larger man (which yes, does happen. Women abuse men too! But please note: he’s not the one missing in the desert), but one that shows the control he exerts over her.

Contrast: Brian is nervous at first but then he’s laughing & at ease w/the officers very quickly. The cops are EXTREMELY DEFERENTIAL to Brian. They offer to provide him with shade. One officer literally makes a comment about his “crazy” ex-wife. They put him up solo in a hotel.

He also minimizes what she perceives as part of the goal of their trip: to document & build a following on social media. He sounds impatient & dismissive, eager to get to his goals while framing Gabby’s posting a pic as unreasonable & childish. An obstacle to his desires.

Also note his reaction when they say Gabby will be charged with DV—she wasn’t ultimately charged but he was the only one w/visible injuries: tiny scattered scratches on his face that look like defensive wounds if anything. & he ADMITTED to “pushing” her, taking her phone & van.

Why did he take her phone & van? Bc what she wanted to do with HER phone & HER van became an obstacle—however brief—to his priorities which of course are paramount. By his own admission he violated her personal & property rights bc she wanted to post a pic. So which is it Brian?

Important or unimportant? If her wanting to become big on IG was so meaningless, why fuss over it at all? Abusers do these little mind warpy things all the time. “What you’re doing is stupid—but I’ll react disproportionately to it.” “You’re garbage—but you better not leave.”

Once Brian was assured the cops agreed his white male priorities were paramount, he was free to play beleaguered BF w/an unhinged but adorable “female” on his hands. But a calm, “reasonable” reaction to a physical altercation, to threats: isn’t a “normal” reaction. It’s chilling.

But the cops, rather than see the size difference, the controlling behavior, the abuse he said out loud that he instigated—instead of all of that they saw a weepy girl with a hoarse voice who wanted to pretend everything was okay. & they decided to let her pretend. It wasn’t okay

Whether I add more to this thread or not (in the am bc I’m tired & ohh so many typos 🤦‍♀️) I want to drop this here: it’s so hard when someone you care about is still enmeshed w/an abuser but you can provide support & resources. & be ready for when they are. thehotline.org

Adding a couple more tweets this am & w/them another CW: abuse. It’s so difficult to describe the mindset within an abusive relationship but I’m going to try. Most of the time you’re hypervigilant to try to anticipate & soothe the abuser’s moods. When there’s conflict, it feels

Like *your* failure. You didn’t stop the cycle from kicking off. You know the signs, why didn’t you just give in? Not post the picture. Bc, simply: you’re still you. Your very being rebels against unreasonable control. As it damn well should! Then, when violent escalation occurs

Not all victims are cowering blobs. The expectation that violence is either 100% one-sided or both parties are to blame is ridiculous & only presents in *domestic* violence situations—which is why terms such as DV exist, to answer another ? posed. It’s unique to relationships.

If you’re mugged, no one cares
if you put marks on your attacker. Think about this: if Brian had been a total stranger. Who took Gabby’s phone & locked her out of her car & appeared to be stealing it, then when confronted pushed her against a wall. All things he said happened.

& the cop treated him as they did? Like he was the victim? Preposterous. But the cops, like many people, subconsciously or consciously, still see a relationship as conferring ownership—to the white man. How could he possibly steal her car if she *belongs* to him? His property?

I’ve been struck, pushed, choked in relationships. It makes you scared, sure—but it also makes you angry. Sometimes anger wins out & you fight back. Well now you’re no longer a victim, you’ve somehow become an equal participant in violence. Even if that’s clearly not the dynamic.

Then after: what is described as honeymoon stage. Love-bombing. The reason love-bombing works is bc you feel like sh*t. *You* didn’t stop it, *you* lost control. But the more you begin to realize it isn’t YOU, the more resistant you become. & that’s when you’re in real danger.