Thread by @ClinicalPearl

I am going to watch Twilight.

I have never seen Twilight.

Pray for my soul.

What is happening

Like, what is happening

Oh, the doctor is a vampire, I guess

I would really like to chat with whoever did his makeup, please

That is a really nice hibiscus in the greenhouse

Wait. This is a supposedly teeny tiny town that has an enormous greenhouse in the *checks notes* high school??????

"It means if you were smart, you'd stay away from me" well if that doesn't sum up solidly 70% of my own dating history

WE HAVE MET JACOB

I WAS NOT WARNED ABOUT HIS HAIR OMG he's such an adorable baby

He's been talking to her for five seconds and I already think I'm going to be #TeamJacob

Nobody ruin this for me; I have very little idea of what happens later in this series and I want to be surprised

I mean, I know she ends up with Edward; I don't live under a rock

Ohhhh are these the bad vampires again? I am confusion

Oh look bad humans! And a rescue!

Is his dialog this awkward in the book? Women found this attractive? I mean, choices were made

Aww, their first date

Well THAT took a turn

"You are so hot to me bc I can't read your mind" weird flex but ok

Honestly I gotta hand it to RPatz; he manages to maintain the exact same level of tortured expression for thr entirety of this movie

The SLOW ZOOM OF INTENSITY

These textbooks are sending me

Ope, the reveal in the woods

"How long have you been seventeen" 💀💀💀💀💀

I see why this has been memed into absolute oblivion

Okay I'm sorry, but I'm with all the Tumblr kids who said KStew got a bad rap but she apparently played it straight from the book and true to the character, and how she doesn't deserve all the hate and I would just like to say we have not hated RPatz ENOUGH for his performance

WHY IS HE SHINY

CGI is just top notch, here, folks

Look, I'm gonna be honest, I'm hating but seventeen-year-old Pearl would one hundred percent have fallen for this man. Hook, line, and sinker

We missed the opportunity to have them in a fairy ring of mushrooms. Who was their paranormal consultant?? I just wanna talk

Okay the Cullen house is beautiful

Look at their cute little domestic bliss

Ohhhhhh I remember now that Clair de Lune made it into every shared space with a piano right after this came out 🙄

"Hold on tight, spider monkey" someone got paid to write that. I have student loans that cost more than my house and someone got paid to right that

"Yep I totally sneak in your window in your BEDROOM in your house with your COP DAD to watch you SLEEP this is TOTALLY NORMAL NO CAUSE FOR ALARM"

The late 2000s fashion is on point though

"I can't make out with you bc I will lose control but sleeping in your bed is totally fine" oh my gosh

NO IS THIS THE ICONIC BASEBALL SCENE

I AM NOT READY

WHY

WHY

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING

Is THIS why this song has been all over my tiktok? Oh my goodness

OH NO THE BAD GUYS

Why are the good ones leaving? There are more of them than the bad ones? Just dispense with the Evil and get it done geez

Why are we being FRIENDLY with the PEOPLE EATERS

Evil Manbun needs to wash his hair, or at least invest in some decent dry shampoo

I hear #girlmedtwitter has some recommendations

She really is nowhere near as stiff and stilted as I was led to believe

I don't know why I'm surprised; it's not like there's MISOGYNY in film critique and popular culture or anything

He FLIES TO THE DRIVERS SIDE OF THE TRUCK and TAKES OVER DRIVING

WHAT

IS

HAPPENING

This entire movie is unhinged

"She's part of this family now" sir, they are seventeen (phenotypically, anyway) and they've been dating for twelve seconds, calm yourself

Evil Manbun might be a good tracker but I bet he'd be better if he TOOK A SHOWER man looks like he smells like he hasn't bathed in six years

Oh no they have her mom!!!! Whatever will we do!!!

Oh look, Edward to the rescue

WAIT WHY DID ALICE GET TO KILL HIM BUT THEY WOULDNT LET EDWARD

That's honestly a super nice hospital blanket. Crocheting looks cozy

The DRESS

That particular shade of purple had such a hold on young women during this era

Jacob at least treats her like a person instead of a novelty, geez

Okay that gazebo is gorgeous

This soundtrack is actually delightful. Four and a half stars for that.

His tie is tied but his top button is undone this is not a look it is a travesty

He looks like a terrible kisser, honestly

Well, it's over. Thank you all for coming with me on this journey