This book by John Gottman of @GottmanInst will be interesting. They're trying to answer this question: "What's the secret to having a happy, healthy, and close relationship with another person?"

Let's see what they've got to say...
Gottman set up the "Love lab". Must have been an observational study. What they found was that how the couples communicated was not important, not what was said.…
Gottman developed the concept of a "bid". A Bid is an attempt to establish an emotional connection and can be verbal or non-verbal. It's a way of saying "Hey, I'd like to connect with you".

Gottman found that responses fell into three categories.…
"Bids usually contain hidden messages"

Bids hide their message to avoid rejection. The vagueness is intentional.…
The ambiguity of bids means that they must be interpreted carefully.

"When feelings of sadness, anger, or fear are involved, people’s bids can sound like laments, criticisms, or complaints."
Instead of becoming defensive, it might be better to try to understand the underlying feeling beneath the bid (lament, criticism, complaint).…
To help understand other people's bids, it's very helpful to know where they've come from - how they've been brought up, and to understand what they've been through in life. This is what we'd consider the socio-psychological makeup/background/history.
The authors call this our "emotional heritage" - that's a nice term for it. We need to understand the emotional heritage.…
If you make your own bids, reflect on your underlying needs, and say it in a nice way (e.g. use soft language).

I must say, I'm normally fairly direct. Perhaps I need to start bidding more? And I am learning to use emotional intelligence more.😀…
Your initial bid is like playing tennis. You need both the bid and the response to be right to get a rally going.…
"You don’t have to accept a bid at face value to respond positively."

E.g. If someone asks you to lunch but you can't, you say "I'd really love to... what about next week?" This shows you'd still love to connect, but just just not right now.…
A misstep in a single bid is not problematic, but it's the pattern of behaviour which determines how the relationship pans out.
1/Turning towards each other provides greater opportunity to connect
2/Bids AND responses have hidden meanings
"A pattern of negative bid responses is a strong predictor of marital problems"

Thought: If doctors give so much of their emotions at work, does it lead to emotional exhaustion and negative bid response patterns?… "If you analyze other people’s communications with you, you’ll see that they’re often making bids to connect.These bids may come in the form of vague language, or they may be disguised as complaints or criticism–so you’ll need to interpret them carefully."
What this book summary has taught me:
- we communicate in relationships through bids which can be ambiguous. We do this to avoid feelings of rejection.
- important to understand the emotional heritage of the person we're communicating with.

None of us has a perfect marriage.
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More from @DrAndrewHuang

3 Oct…
Another book by Gottman of the @GottmanInst.

We can all improve our relationships.
Seven principles in total. Let's see where this goes.…
We form love maps of information on our partner. It contains our partner's and our own aspirations and life philosophies.

Love maps are dynamic too. They change over time and with the season of life we go through. e.g. having kids can change your map.
Read 20 tweets
2 Oct
Well done to the trainees to write to @ANZCA. Need to empower and engage the next generation. They are the future leaders.


I'm pretty sure Myat came to Viva coaching.

Also, I'm hearing skips. @rseglenieks has used Powerpoint to record his presentation. You can record one slide at a time. Learnt this myself. Better than one take in some ways.
Who took this photo? Bigeminy and hypotensive. Glad it's not my anaesthetic! 🤣
Read 16 tweets
1 Oct
Combined SIG meeting is on failure this morning.

I failed to log in on time! 🤣
#combisig21 talking about failure in research projects... but what is failure? How can you fail in research? Isn't research about improving our knowledge? Isn't a negative study actually a good thing but that we frame it in the wrong way?
"I roll with things pretty well" - I'm with you @DrDanSchumacher
Read 30 tweets
30 Sep
Some stream of consciousness thoughts this morning to unload my mind before I start my real "thinking" today...
We really do have a discomfort with some numbers in medicine. Yesterday, I had a patient on a tracheostomy and I asked for cuff to be put down and ventilator changed so he could talk to me. Sats dropped to 88% and stayed there. My priority- understanding the patient wishes...
Others discomfort - sats below 90%. I could literally feel the discomfort in the room.
Read 10 tweets
23 Sep…
Nice racism - how progressive White people perpetuate racial harm.

This should be good.
"“nice” progressive white people frequently perpetrate the most racial harm in cross-racial spaces. They objectify Black people and people of color, enact daily racist microaggressions, & center their own feelings of shame when called out – that is, they make it all about them."…
Wow, diAngelo isn't mincing words at all.
Read 20 tweets
23 Sep
Some thoughts on @Tobin_MedEd @UniMelbMDHS DME talk on EPAs
My time in Echuca having to write up other ppls (the previous term's interns) discharge summaries, whilst a crap experience, did teach me to navigate the medical record and find information very quickly.
Supervision in undergraduate medicine... was very thin on the ground when I went to medical school. We used to watch each other take histories and examine, possibly more for emotional support than peer feedback. Very rarely did anyone watch us take this vital clinical skill.
Read 6 tweets

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