blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
This book by John Gottman of @GottmanInst will be interesting. They're trying to answer this question: "What's the secret to having a happy, healthy, and close relationship with another person?"
Let's see what they've got to say...
This book by John Gottman of @GottmanInst will be interesting. They're trying to answer this question: "What's the secret to having a happy, healthy, and close relationship with another person?"
Let's see what they've got to say...
Gottman set up the "Love lab". Must have been an observational study. What they found was that how the couples communicated was not important, not what was said.
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
Gottman developed the concept of a "bid". A Bid is an attempt to establish an emotional connection and can be verbal or non-verbal. It's a way of saying "Hey, I'd like to connect with you".
Gottman found that responses fell into three categories.
Gottman developed the concept of a "bid". A Bid is an attempt to establish an emotional connection and can be verbal or non-verbal. It's a way of saying "Hey, I'd like to connect with you".
Gottman found that responses fell into three categories.
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
"Bids usually contain hidden messages"
Bids hide their message to avoid rejection. The vagueness is intentional.
"Bids usually contain hidden messages"
Bids hide their message to avoid rejection. The vagueness is intentional.
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
The ambiguity of bids means that they must be interpreted carefully.
"When feelings of sadness, anger, or fear are involved, people’s bids can sound like laments, criticisms, or complaints."
The ambiguity of bids means that they must be interpreted carefully.
"When feelings of sadness, anger, or fear are involved, people’s bids can sound like laments, criticisms, or complaints."
Instead of becoming defensive, it might be better to try to understand the underlying feeling beneath the bid (lament, criticism, complaint).
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
To help understand other people's bids, it's very helpful to know where they've come from - how they've been brought up, and to understand what they've been through in life. This is what we'd consider the socio-psychological makeup/background/history.
To help understand other people's bids, it's very helpful to know where they've come from - how they've been brought up, and to understand what they've been through in life. This is what we'd consider the socio-psychological makeup/background/history.
The authors call this our "emotional heritage" - that's a nice term for it. We need to understand the emotional heritage.
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
If you make your own bids, reflect on your underlying needs, and say it in a nice way (e.g. use soft language).
I must say, I'm normally fairly direct. Perhaps I need to start bidding more? And I am learning to use emotional intelligence more.😀
If you make your own bids, reflect on your underlying needs, and say it in a nice way (e.g. use soft language).
I must say, I'm normally fairly direct. Perhaps I need to start bidding more? And I am learning to use emotional intelligence more.😀
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
Your initial bid is like playing tennis. You need both the bid and the response to be right to get a rally going.
Your initial bid is like playing tennis. You need both the bid and the response to be right to get a rally going.
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
"You don’t have to accept a bid at face value to respond positively."
E.g. If someone asks you to lunch but you can't, you say "I'd really love to... what about next week?" This shows you'd still love to connect, but just just not right now.
"You don’t have to accept a bid at face value to respond positively."
E.g. If someone asks you to lunch but you can't, you say "I'd really love to... what about next week?" This shows you'd still love to connect, but just just not right now.
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
A misstep in a single bid is not problematic, but it's the pattern of behaviour which determines how the relationship pans out.
1/Turning towards each other provides greater opportunity to connect
2/Bids AND responses have hidden meanings
A misstep in a single bid is not problematic, but it's the pattern of behaviour which determines how the relationship pans out.
1/Turning towards each other provides greater opportunity to connect
2/Bids AND responses have hidden meanings
"A pattern of negative bid responses is a strong predictor of marital problems"
Thought: If doctors give so much of their emotions at work, does it lead to emotional exhaustion and negative bid response patterns?
Thought: If doctors give so much of their emotions at work, does it lead to emotional exhaustion and negative bid response patterns?
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b… "If you analyze other people’s communications with you, you’ll see that they’re often making bids to connect.These bids may come in the form of vague language, or they may be disguised as complaints or criticism–so you’ll need to interpret them carefully."
What this book summary has taught me:
- we communicate in relationships through bids which can be ambiguous. We do this to avoid feelings of rejection.
- important to understand the emotional heritage of the person we're communicating with.
None of us has a perfect marriage.
- we communicate in relationships through bids which can be ambiguous. We do this to avoid feelings of rejection.
- important to understand the emotional heritage of the person we're communicating with.
None of us has a perfect marriage.
@threadreaderapp unroll please
• • •
Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to
force a refresh
