blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
Another book by Gottman of the @GottmanInst.
We can all improve our relationships.
Another book by Gottman of the @GottmanInst.
We can all improve our relationships.
Seven principles in total. Let's see where this goes.
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
We form love maps of information on our partner. It contains our partner's and our own aspirations and life philosophies.
Love maps are dynamic too. They change over time and with the season of life we go through. e.g. having kids can change your map.
We form love maps of information on our partner. It contains our partner's and our own aspirations and life philosophies.
Love maps are dynamic too. They change over time and with the season of life we go through. e.g. having kids can change your map.
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
A fondness and admiration system is where shared respect and appreciation live. You can access it by asking them to recount their shared history. If they come up with beautiful moments, the marriage is salvagable.
A fondness and admiration system is where shared respect and appreciation live. You can access it by asking them to recount their shared history. If they come up with beautiful moments, the marriage is salvagable.
Another way to assess this system are these true false qqs:
When we're apart, I think of my wife positively
I can easily list 3 things I admire in my wife
My wife is happy to see me when I come into a room
All true and your fondness and admiration system is going well.
When we're apart, I think of my wife positively
I can easily list 3 things I admire in my wife
My wife is happy to see me when I come into a room
All true and your fondness and admiration system is going well.
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
This section is about the bid system which I just summarised in another tweet thread.
This section is about the bid system which I just summarised in another tweet thread.
threadreaderapp.com/thread/1444461… This is the thread summary about bids.
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
The happy marriages are the ones where the husband allows the wife to influence his decision.
Gottman thinks its us men who frequently escalate the problem in response to our wife's negativity.
Let's hope he has a solution for us men.
The happy marriages are the ones where the husband allows the wife to influence his decision.
Gottman thinks its us men who frequently escalate the problem in response to our wife's negativity.
Let's hope he has a solution for us men.
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
There are solvable and perpetual problems.
Solvable problems sometimes don't get solved because the couple has not learnt how to deal with them. "Sometimes all it takes is for each spouse to begin a discussion more calmly and monitor themselves..."
There are solvable and perpetual problems.
Solvable problems sometimes don't get solved because the couple has not learnt how to deal with them. "Sometimes all it takes is for each spouse to begin a discussion more calmly and monitor themselves..."
Most marriage problems are perpetual though. Perpetual problems don't condemn the marriage to disaster though.
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
Gridlock- the "feeling of being caged by the same problems that come up over and over again".
Start by searching for and acknowledging what we contribute to the problem.
But if you find something in the other, have a dialogue (not monologue) about it.
Gridlock- the "feeling of being caged by the same problems that come up over and over again".
Start by searching for and acknowledging what we contribute to the problem.
But if you find something in the other, have a dialogue (not monologue) about it.
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
You don't have to agree on everything, BUT...
"Marriage has a spiritual aspect to it, and for that to develop you must build a sense of shared meaning. It’s extremely difficult to live harmoniously together without being familiar with each others’ values."
You don't have to agree on everything, BUT...
"Marriage has a spiritual aspect to it, and for that to develop you must build a sense of shared meaning. It’s extremely difficult to live harmoniously together without being familiar with each others’ values."
If you can find more shared meaning, you will have deeper and more fulfilling relationships. Also look for ways you can agree on the roles you play in the marriage. This will help each of you understand the other's expectations better.
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
The four horsemen of the divorce apocalypse
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Complaint is about the task, criticism is about the person.
Contempt is "snarling or mocking behaviour designed to undermine your partner" that belittles them.
The four horsemen of the divorce apocalypse
Criticism
Contempt
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Complaint is about the task, criticism is about the person.
Contempt is "snarling or mocking behaviour designed to undermine your partner" that belittles them.
Defensiveness results from contempt which then results in a vicious cycle.
Stonewalling is the next response - when you've had enough of the fighting you disengage.
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
Stonewalling is the next response - when you've had enough of the fighting you disengage.
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
“The more you can imbue your relationship with the spirit of thanksgiving and the graceful presence of praise, the more meaningful and fulfilling your lives together will be.”
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
Two typical challenges to marriage: in-laws and babies.
In-laws require firm boundaries.
Babies: don't neglect your partner; mother's avoid being the disapproving supervisor which will cause the father to feel excluded and disgengage.
Two typical challenges to marriage: in-laws and babies.
In-laws require firm boundaries.
Babies: don't neglect your partner; mother's avoid being the disapproving supervisor which will cause the father to feel excluded and disgengage.
"mothers must remember that the baby is the father’s child, too, and that it will benefit from multiple parenting styles."
blinki.st/c87019b62fd6?b…
A long-lasting marriage is possible, but it needs work.
Some love map tests:
Name your spouse's best friends, biggest worries, philosophy on life, favourite music.
Recognise& respect your body's stress response.
A long-lasting marriage is possible, but it needs work.
Some love map tests:
Name your spouse's best friends, biggest worries, philosophy on life, favourite music.
Recognise& respect your body's stress response.
OK. So that's it. Quite a few nuggets of gold to help with relationships and marriage.
Gottman looks like he's specialised his research on what makes marriages work and not work.
Gottman looks like he's specialised his research on what makes marriages work and not work.
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