Another book by Gottman of the @GottmanInst.

We can all improve our relationships.
Seven principles in total. Let's see where this goes.…
We form love maps of information on our partner. It contains our partner's and our own aspirations and life philosophies.

Love maps are dynamic too. They change over time and with the season of life we go through. e.g. having kids can change your map.…
A fondness and admiration system is where shared respect and appreciation live. You can access it by asking them to recount their shared history. If they come up with beautiful moments, the marriage is salvagable.
Another way to assess this system are these true false qqs:
When we're apart, I think of my wife positively
I can easily list 3 things I admire in my wife
My wife is happy to see me when I come into a room

All true and your fondness and admiration system is going well.…
This section is about the bid system which I just summarised in another tweet thread.… This is the thread summary about bids.…
The happy marriages are the ones where the husband allows the wife to influence his decision.

Gottman thinks its us men who frequently escalate the problem in response to our wife's negativity.

Let's hope he has a solution for us men.…
There are solvable and perpetual problems.

Solvable problems sometimes don't get solved because the couple has not learnt how to deal with them. "Sometimes all it takes is for each spouse to begin a discussion more calmly and monitor themselves..."
Most marriage problems are perpetual though. Perpetual problems don't condemn the marriage to disaster though.…
Gridlock- the "feeling of being caged by the same problems that come up over and over again".

Start by searching for and acknowledging what we contribute to the problem.

But if you find something in the other, have a dialogue (not monologue) about it.…
You don't have to agree on everything, BUT...
"Marriage has a spiritual aspect to it, and for that to develop you must build a sense of shared meaning. It’s extremely difficult to live harmoniously together without being familiar with each others’ values."
If you can find more shared meaning, you will have deeper and more fulfilling relationships. Also look for ways you can agree on the roles you play in the marriage. This will help each of you understand the other's expectations better.…
The four horsemen of the divorce apocalypse

Complaint is about the task, criticism is about the person.

Contempt is "snarling or mocking behaviour designed to undermine your partner" that belittles them.
Defensiveness results from contempt which then results in a vicious cycle.

Stonewalling is the next response - when you've had enough of the fighting you disengage.…
“The more you can imbue your relationship with the spirit of thanksgiving and the graceful presence of praise, the more meaningful and fulfilling your lives together will be.”……
Two typical challenges to marriage: in-laws and babies.

In-laws require firm boundaries.

Babies: don't neglect your partner; mother's avoid being the disapproving supervisor which will cause the father to feel excluded and disgengage.
"mothers must remember that the baby is the father’s child, too, and that it will benefit from multiple parenting styles."…
A long-lasting marriage is possible, but it needs work.

Some love map tests:
Name your spouse's best friends, biggest worries, philosophy on life, favourite music.

Recognise& respect your body's stress response.
OK. So that's it. Quite a few nuggets of gold to help with relationships and marriage.

Gottman looks like he's specialised his research on what makes marriages work and not work.

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More from @DrAndrewHuang

3 Oct…
This book by John Gottman of @GottmanInst will be interesting. They're trying to answer this question: "What's the secret to having a happy, healthy, and close relationship with another person?"

Let's see what they've got to say...
Gottman set up the "Love lab". Must have been an observational study. What they found was that how the couples communicated was not important, not what was said.…
Gottman developed the concept of a "bid". A Bid is an attempt to establish an emotional connection and can be verbal or non-verbal. It's a way of saying "Hey, I'd like to connect with you".

Gottman found that responses fell into three categories.
Read 16 tweets
2 Oct
Well done to the trainees to write to @ANZCA. Need to empower and engage the next generation. They are the future leaders.


I'm pretty sure Myat came to Viva coaching.

Also, I'm hearing skips. @rseglenieks has used Powerpoint to record his presentation. You can record one slide at a time. Learnt this myself. Better than one take in some ways.
Who took this photo? Bigeminy and hypotensive. Glad it's not my anaesthetic! 🤣
Read 16 tweets
1 Oct
Combined SIG meeting is on failure this morning.

I failed to log in on time! 🤣
#combisig21 talking about failure in research projects... but what is failure? How can you fail in research? Isn't research about improving our knowledge? Isn't a negative study actually a good thing but that we frame it in the wrong way?
"I roll with things pretty well" - I'm with you @DrDanSchumacher
Read 30 tweets
30 Sep
Some stream of consciousness thoughts this morning to unload my mind before I start my real "thinking" today...
We really do have a discomfort with some numbers in medicine. Yesterday, I had a patient on a tracheostomy and I asked for cuff to be put down and ventilator changed so he could talk to me. Sats dropped to 88% and stayed there. My priority- understanding the patient wishes...
Others discomfort - sats below 90%. I could literally feel the discomfort in the room.
Read 10 tweets
23 Sep…
Nice racism - how progressive White people perpetuate racial harm.

This should be good.
"“nice” progressive white people frequently perpetrate the most racial harm in cross-racial spaces. They objectify Black people and people of color, enact daily racist microaggressions, & center their own feelings of shame when called out – that is, they make it all about them."…
Wow, diAngelo isn't mincing words at all.
Read 20 tweets
23 Sep
Some thoughts on @Tobin_MedEd @UniMelbMDHS DME talk on EPAs
My time in Echuca having to write up other ppls (the previous term's interns) discharge summaries, whilst a crap experience, did teach me to navigate the medical record and find information very quickly.
Supervision in undergraduate medicine... was very thin on the ground when I went to medical school. We used to watch each other take histories and examine, possibly more for emotional support than peer feedback. Very rarely did anyone watch us take this vital clinical skill.
Read 6 tweets

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