Thread by @DrSamiSchalk

The parent friends in my life don’t force their kids to engage with adults & I enthusiastically support it by responding positively, with gratitude, when a child chooses to wave or high five me instead of a hug. I affirm that all the ways they choose to engage with me are good.

https://twitter.com/wonderking82/status/1444321540259160071

Even when kids are feeling shy or angry & hid behind parents I will still say bye & that it was nice to see them because it was. Shaming kids, or anyone, for not being in the mood or not having the capacity to perform certain social etiquette norms is damaging & frankly ableist.

Generally I find that because I affirm kids’ choices on how to engage early on, they warm up to me way faster even when we don’t know each other well. I learned a lot being a nanny & from feminist mothers in my circles.

Kids are people & should be treated like people who have distinct desires, needs & personalities separate from their parents. They may not be able to express themselves eloquently but when supported, they do often express themselves clearly.

One time my partner, friend & I were talking about work at dinner. My friend’s six year old interrupted to say “Can we talk about something I can talk about now?” And like, hell yea. We were unconsciously excluding her from engaging & if that happened to me I’d be annoyed too.

Later the kid wanted a donut & her mom said she had enough sugar for the day. The kid was like “That makes me mad. I’m going to go scream into my pillow about it” then she walked into the house, screamed into a pillow & came back to calmly ask for sugar free ice cream instead.

I didn’t have emotional intelligence or the ability to communicate well about my feelings as a child or even teen because I was taught my feelings don’t matter, that as a child, my emotional reaction to things was wrong, inappropriate, inconvenient to those around me.

Whenever I didn’t want to do something or felt uncomfortable I was told to be a big kid or a good girl, to be helpful to the adults around me by squashing my emotions & needs to comply with what they wanted instead, especially in extended family & religious community settings.

It laid the foundation for me to have trouble saying no/holding boundaries and expressing my feelings honestly when I thought my feelings might upset someone. I learned to value making other people comfortable & happy over myself. I learned to silence & ignore my own needs.

I refuse to participate in teaching those toxic & oppressive lessons to the kids in my life. I do my best to honor their humanity & model good, respectful relationships for them. Stop forcing your kids to engage with people when they don’t want to, they are not your human props.