Thread by @momofnorank

I bought a bag of this #brachsturkeydinnercandycorn a while back and have been saving them for #nationalspookymonth. I’m a #registereddietitian and this is my honest review as a nutrition professional. Ahem. 1/18

Here is an example specimen of each flavor. When you open the bag, you’ll smell only the coffee ones. This is a transparent and deliberate attempt to lull you into a false sense of security. Don’t be a sucker. 2/18

First of all, there is a special place in hell for whoever decided to make 3 of the flavors so similar in color. 3/18

In a just world, this person would die alone surrounded by ugly pink floral wallpaper, after a lifetime of petty disappointments, with the sounds of a super fun and fashionable party absolutely everyone else was invited to drifting across the street. 4/18

Top left is turkey and gravy. It is disturbingly, hauntingly like candied turkey. Wrong on every level. 5/18

Top middle is stuffing. This one is an unrepentant violation of the Geneva Convention. Tastes like hate and sage. So much sage. It’s ironic, because you’ll need to burn sage to erase it from your psyche. 6/18

Top right is caramel apple pie. It’s fine. Most prominent flavor is caramel, with a surprisingly natural cinnamon background, and then a crisp finish with just a faint *whisper* of eau de artificial flavoring that once spent 15 minutes in a room with an apple pie… 7/18

…scented #YankeeCandle. With the lid closed. 8/18

Bottom left is allegedly cranberry sauce. What should have been a softball in the flavor development game instead offers nary a smidge of either cranberry or tartness. There is, however, the vaguest intimation of alkaloid bitterness. Best guess—Cotton candy cough drop? 9/18

Bottom middle is green beans. Friends, it is unforgivable. If you left a cup of green tea on the porch in bad weather for a week, during which time it attained sentience and promptly began plotting your demise, and you hate green tea, that’s what this tastes like. 10/18

There’s definitely some dirt in it, and…Is that a hint of dead leaf, or decomposing June beetle? You’ll have the stabbing pains of deep regret for company as you work that one out. 11/18

Lastly, bottom right is coffee. It’s the best one, and it’s terrible. It’s what you hoped coffee would taste like when you were five. Alarmingly sweet, kind of butterscotchy? Its second cousin twice removed has heard of coffee. 12/18

The stuffing one is by far the worst flavor. It is appalling. Pepperidge Farms has apparently taken up training assassins. I’ve met voodoo dolls with less evil intent. The developer of this flavor deserves your disdain, and for that, I salute them. 13/18

However, I think my personal pick for most offensive to #Thanksgiving food is the green bean. It’s not green bean casserole, btw, oh no. No umami here. Raw, unholy green in flavor as well as color, with a single, 1-note foghorn taste, like mowing the lawn with your mouth open. 14

To paraphrase Douglas Adams, it is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike green beans. It’s what you might get if you described green beans to an alien who had been tasked with reproducing the flavor using only very inexpensive petroleum-based esters. 15/18

And you had never actually had green beans. 16/18

And also the alien hated its job. 17/18

Five stars. 
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
Everyone should get a bag. Set them out in a nice, inviting bowl, and don’t say a word. 18/18

Soooo…apparently there’s an *appetite* (wink wink) for disgusting candy. I appreciate the RTs and am so happy people enjoy this. If you are so inclined, in lieu of a tip jar, please donate to the San Antonio Zen Center, or any place near and dear to you. paypal.com/donate/?token=…

@borenbears is a national treasure doing extremely important work, I’m so happy he enjoyed this, and I hope everyone makes an effort to seek out good science as well as good fun. (PS This is nuts. 🤪)