Thread by @RayneyDaze

Apparently there's an #ADHDAwarenessMonth, so here's something most people may not know about "attention deficit hyperactivity disorder."

First things first. "Attention deficit" is a misnomer. Yes, I have a deficit of attention at times. One might argue all the time. But...

...people think that means I can't pay attention to everything. Au contraire mon capitan. I can pay attention to one thing for hours and hours. That said, it is at the expense of attention to anything and everything else. Need to listen to someone? Nope. Need to eat? Nope.

But that one thing? My entire brain is hyperfocused on that one singular thing. Most people don't think of "too much attention" when they think of "attention deficit."

Let's talk about hyperactivity. I've never been that hyper little white boy caricature of ADHD.

Maybe that's why I was diagnosed at 40 and not 4 (or 8 like my brother). My niece got "luckier" and was diagnosed at 9.

I've always been "low energy." I don't exactly sit "still," but I don't bounce off the walls or anything close. I'm always moving but it's subtle/not physical.

My brain is always "going." It doesn't stop. It's a hungry hamster on a wheel, and doesn't get fed if it stops.

Hey wait, that's a great analogy.

I don't process dopamine the same way as those without ADHD. My brain is always looking for a "high" that is a "normal" for others.

There are other differences too, but that one is the most well-known and why so many people think that ADHD is over-diagnosed. It's not. It's underdiagnosed. I live in a state I think might be like others' withdrawal from dopamine. Your brain doesn't need to "pleasure seek."

You have a normal amount of and normally process dopamine (a neurotransmitter that plays a role in how we feel pleasure). My brain forces itself into overdrive to achieve something that will never reach your "normal."

I'm always moving (physically/mentally) trying to get there.

I fidget, yes. Mine is small things generally. It helps me pay attention. Mostly I fidget in my head. I daydream. My mind goes 10 places at once, 10 hamsters using the same wheel.

That leads me to talk about stimulant meds. Odd connection, you'll see why shortly.

We're not drug seeking addicts. Why? Because stimulants don't do the same thing for us as they do for you. Because we live in the negative & you live at baseline, if you take stimulants, it overactivates your brain. I've heard stimulant use by non-ADHD ppl feels like me without.

Stimulants bring us closer to non-ADHD baseline, not above it. We don't feel the same as non-ADHD folks when we take them. We don't get high. Would you say that someone who takes antidepressants gets high off of them because their neurotransmitters are closer to baseline?

You know the closest I've felt to a stimulant high? Remember those hamsters I talked about? 10 of them trying to use the same hamster wheel & if they stop, they don't eat? This is me when my stimulant med wears off. My brain is so used to being closer to baseline that it rebels.

It's not just 10 hamsters using the same wheel anymore. It's 10 hamsters trying to use the same wheel at jet speeds, trying to break the sound barrier & a world record. The need to get back to that place closer to baseline is intense. But the benefits outweigh the unpleasantness.

There are those that say that means the dose is too high. I wondered that too. The lower dose wore off before the end of the workday. My brain was still "pleasure seeking" while they were at their most effective, just not as much. On the higher dose, I get full-day coverage.

My brain slows down, quits bouncing off its internal walls, and the hamsters top fighting over the wheel. They've been fed now and can relax. So now I have to take another ADHD med that helps me use the dopamine I have but makes me drowsy. That's how I can sleep.

Otherwise, the hamsters think they're starving, so run faster & faster, become more & more anxious, more & more driven for the food they need just to feel...***closer to normal.***

That doesn't cover all of ADHD. There's more we don't talk about that's unrelated to dopamine.

CW: ableist language
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Long, long ago, the "attention deficit" and "hyperactivity" weren't part of the name of ADHD. Long ago, it was called "minimal brain damage in children."
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/END CW

I wasn't alive back then, wasn't diagnosed, wasn't involved in any of it, and have not done a lot of research into the term. That said, I identify with it. To me, it's not internalized ableism, it's indicative of my experience with executive dysfunction.

I didn't lose the pen I just put down 2 inches from my hand because I wasn't paying attention. I didn't forget the glass of water that's just outside my line of sight because I wasn't paying attention. I lost those things because my working memory and my prospective memory suck.

I don't have that immediate recall while doing something. I don't have the ability to mentally "make a note of that." If I need to remember to do something, I need something from the outside to remind me.

If I'm in the middle of something, some of what I'm supposed to remember in that moment slips away into the unknown, never to be seen again. It's not a deficit of attention, it's problems with executive functioning. It's the same reason I have trouble with self-regulation.

The same reason I have a problem with emotional regulation and will overreact to things that people just boggle at. Perceived rejection is a huge one. I tell someone online something that might put them off & they take a bathroom break, I'm terrified that they've rejected me.

No, it's not paranoia, it's anxiety. It's an inability to use flexible thinking and reason out that no, they're probably just doing something else and will get back to me. Executive dysfunction shows itself in many ways, and I totally get why that term (from the CW) made sense.

Those with other neurodevelopmental conditions also have executive dysfunction. It's not unique to those with ADHD. Autism is one of the prominent ones. A lot of my more externally noticeable ADHD traits are tied to executive dysfunction, even more than my issues with dopamine.

Anyway, I've gone on & on about something I'm passionate about to the point likely few are reading this anymore.

So here's the tl;dr for #ADHDAwarenessMonth (and I just saw #ADHDAcceptanceMonth yay).

Society has a skewed view of ADHD that leads to harmful misconceptions.
End🧵

Also, just a shout-out to a few people who have really helped me not feel alone and have pointed to good research on ADHD so I could get rid of my own misconceptions. I know I'll miss people, sorry. Feel free to boost yourselves.
@blkgirllostkeys @roryreckons @WhatTheADHD.

Heh, this should have said "...people think that means I can't pay attention to *anything*."

And again, I apparently lost my train of thought here. It's also not just neurodevelopmental conditions. It's also depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc.