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Elie Mystal Profile picture
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13 Oct, 7 tweets, 2 min read
This is the most awful map in the history of map making and also somehow explains why this country is so messed up and also WTF TENNESSEE and also I SEE YOU FORMER CONFEDERACY I KNOW WHAT YOU PEOPLE ARE ABOUT
Also WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, MICHIGAN??

Also: REALLY CONNNECTICUT??? REALLY???
In fact... ALL OF NEW ENGLAND IS GODDAMN DISGUSTING
MONTANA HAS THE ONLY NORMAL PEOPLE.

The Midwest needs to expand its goddamn imagination.

THE FBI NEEDS TO BE ALERTED ABOUT DELAWARE
People are ragging on Colorado, but I think I get it. You spend all day looking at bulls' and rams' ass and you're going to have some questions.
"Goth Hospital" is basically "Ebony" but in Blackface, which explains Oklahoma.
Florida is... totally on brand somehow.
Honestly, THE ENTIRE STATE OF MICHIGAN owes us a freaking answer right now. That's the new job I'm assigning to @MMFlint. WTF is up?

My plan of "never end up in a basement or garage in Maine" remains solid. :)

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More from @ElieNYC

Elie Mystal Profile picture
7 Oct
Sometimes wish I could go back to, like, 2004 and not give my "independent" friends (you know who you are) quite so much shit
Like, I was right. I've ALWAYS BEEN RIGHT about the GOP. Tolerating the both sides bullcrap was ALWAYS wrong. But... sorry where was I going with this?
Oh yeah, but my friends who were not actually *Republican* but just didn't see as clearly as I did the dangers in playing nice with Republicans were, upon reflection, not demonstrably worse than many of my "officially Democratic" friends.
Like, circa Bush v. Gore I made a brightline distinction between "Dems" and "others" and really the distinction should have been "people who will fight Republicans" and "those who won't."
That should have been the line.
Read 4 tweets
Elie Mystal Profile picture
6 Oct
I hate Stephen Breyer's self-serving pamphlet dressed up like a book masquerading as a philosophy and now need something to cleanse my palate at... oh God what time is it?
It's amazing to me that Breyer has decided to rebrand himself from "Forgettable inoffensive left-of-center pragmatist" to "concern-trolling narcissist cloying for attention" ostensibly all so he could justify hanging onto a job he's had for 27 years for a 28th.
Like, people have literally made better life decision in pursuit of one more vial of crack than Breyer has in pursuit of one more year on the bench.
Read 5 tweets
Elie Mystal Profile picture
30 Sep
I really, really, want my dog to stop jumping up onto dining room chairs, so that she can jump up onto the dining room table, to eat whatever is on (food or not) the table.

This doesn't seem like too much to ask.

And yet...
I cannot seem to effectuate this goal. I have to push the chairs all the way into the table. Which sometimes the children forget to do. And even then, with effort she can push a chair just out far enough to give her a landing zone.
And... it's hard for me to even catch her doing it to provide immediate correction because as soon as she hears me stand up she jumps down and acts like nothing happened. Cause she's a dirty liar. And she won't do it while I'm in the room.
Read 4 tweets
Elie Mystal Profile picture
14 Sep
Not for nothing, but the failure of @SenatorTimScott to support ANY MEASURE that would restore voting rights to people of color, rights being taken away by states and courts, really blows up his whole schtick of "it's possible to be a Republicans who cares about racial justice."
I don't think Scott has a greater duty to care about racial or social justice because he's Black. But if you won't even support VOTING RIGHTS for people of color, then he can't PRETEND to care about justice, just from a different, small government perspective.
There are Black Republicans, say @MichaelSteele, who I will fight to death over marginal tax rates on capital earnings, who nonetheless see their way clear to say "Jim Crow was BAD" and reject efforts to go back.
Read 4 tweets
Elie Mystal Profile picture
14 Sep
Hot Take: The real reason Stephen Breyer won't retire is because only like 15 appellate lawyers really gave a crap about Stephen Breyer thought bubbles until RBG died, but now every mediocre paean to centrism he scribbles out gets reported as breaking news.
His spent most of his career as a *forgettable* justice. When you see those stats that most people can only name one or two SCOTUS justices, he's never been one of them. He was the second (or third) choice for his job, and was picked as a compromise to get an easy confirmation.
But now, suddenly, he "matters." Not in terms of shaping the law, because his POLITICALLY MOTIVATED COLLEAGUES are gonna do what they do. But now people want to interview him and buy his books and tweet out his statements.
Read 5 tweets
Elie Mystal Profile picture
14 Sep
Again, my idea for Black Quantum Leap should be a thing.
Okay, to recap:
Donald Glover plays Dr. Sam Beckett who leaps within his own lifetime into other people to right the racism of the past. He's guided by a white liberal, Al, played by Martin Freeman, who isn't *totally* sure what racism even is, but totally wants to help!
The problem of course is that when he leaps away he has to assume that the person goes back to just being racist, so he has to "fix" things in such a way that the other people in the racist's life become *better* somehow, or a power structure is broken, or something.
Read 4 tweets

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