Thread by @simonsarris

People are bad at getting in to relationships precisely because they are mostly bad at the end goals of relationships (if they can viz them at all).

This makes v difficult problem for everyone, even if you have clear values, you must then find someone who actually feels the same

Without any real values it becomes extremely easy to slip from "I want to find a person [with xyz values] and we shall become successful together"

To "I want a person who is already successful in xyz ways"

I do not think the distinction is subtle yet seems lost on many.

Failing to center values over where people are currently at is a disaster because it means that serious relationships are not possible (not even considered!) until far, far later in life.

This presents a predicament to society: If you wait until you find a successful life-partner, you miss out on the extraordinary opportunity to become successful with someone, which is (for most people) far easier to do.

(there are some clear and obvious exceptions)

Some months ago an old couple were telling me of getting married just before finishing college, with no money, and moving to a new city, where they eked out an existence for some years, saving hard, barely having any furniture.

How many people today say something like that?

It's not about furniture, of course, but about two people having a vision for life that is so complete that material things can wait. At 20 years old they were both planning for *decades* of life together.

Most 20 year olds I know almost refuse to believe that the future exists.

And I think we should find that deeply odd. It's not just the doomer glee that is in fashion, in pretending somehow that all of history is coming to a head in their lifetime. It goes beyond that. Even very smart young people fall for this.

I say this only in passing, there are no absolutes. But I think most successful (fulfilled in some way) people did not look for those things in a spouse, but rather had shared values and became successful with them. And did so with a ~10 years head start.

Yes, it's a problem both ways. And one with no intended slight on any participant's part.

It's also a much more general problem that people feel they must somehow be "ready" before doing anything important. Perhaps leftover from how we structure school.

https://twitter.com/VKDev1/status/1451305090812350470