Thread by @DisInHigherEd

CW / mental illness, suicide

Thread: This is my story of being diagnosed with severe depression, bipolar (II), panic, and anxiety disorders in the middle of my undergraduate career while prioritizing my grades and work over my mental health and well-being. 1/

2/ I always struggled with anxiety and situational depression throughout my life and childhood. I was able to cope with these things and compartmentalize them because mental health and illness is stigmatized and is a ‘taboo’ in Mexican American culture. I hid it the best I could.

3/ Entering a math & physics-intensive major as one of the first in my family to pursue STEM, I felt like I was sinking before I was swimming. I had no idea what to do or how to do it. Based on my experiences in my culture, we believe working hard and doing it ourselves.

4/ Asking for help was (& still) is hard. Add on another layer of being a Latina woman. I grew up with my pop telling me “Mija, you have to work twice as hard for people to recognize you and take you seriously.” He is not wrong; this is the reality many marginalized folks face.

5/ This is an underlying theme of my journey.
With my stubborn goal of perfection, internal pressures, and a severely traumatic event that occurred five years ago: what was once situational permanently wounded me & I could no longer cope anymore.

6/ My ability to hide my symptoms and take care of them myself was exhausting. My moods and panic attacks were sudden and uncontrollable.
I’m known for my ‘contagious smile.’ Although the smile was there, the pain was ten-fold.

7/ Depression, anxiety, the pain + lies of mental illnesses affect those whose smiles radiate the room too. What may seem fine on the outside doesn’t reflect what could be occurring internally – it’s not that simple.

8/ I kept sinking to the point where my grades dropped, & the dark clouds of depression + unpredictable moods dictated my life. I finally sought medication, but still refused therapy to tackle and process loose ends of trauma. A huge puzzle piece of recovery was missing.

9/ I prioritized school and grades over my well-being– I worked hard and reaped the rewards, but at the vast expense of my mental health and well-being. The meds kinda worked, but my sponge of internalized ableism was as soaked as ever. I hated myself and mourned my old self too.

10/ I did not want to come to terms with my diagnoses and taking meds. Additional experiences with racism, stigma, being told I have the advantage because I am a Latina woman, and toxic work environment: I spent more time in the bathroom having panic attacks than in class.

11 / No matter how hard I swam, I continued to sink. I had everything at this point: NASA internship, good grades, friends, my dad + siblings. But it didn’t matter – my mental illnesses were more than being sad, they were physically debilitating and completely saturated my life.

CW: suicide
It took intervention of friends and family after an attempt on my life for me to open my eyes. Hospitalization, as traumatizing as it was, showed me therapy for the first time: I realized that the path I was going down wasn’t one I would survive if I kept going. /End

Edit: This was very scary to post - I do not post things like this often. I am sharing with hopes to continue conversations to end the stigma and the ableism, while also ensuring those who are struggling that they are not alone. #MentalHealth #AcademicMentalHealth #DisabledInSTEM