Ghost of Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
Carol Joyce Oates: are you the spirit of halloween yet to come
Shelley: you fuckin know it
Oates: of all the spirits tonight, i fear you most of all
Shelley: you should
Shelley: i got some real fucked up shit to show you
Shelley: behold, a terrible future where halloween fucking sucks
Oates: what's going on, why are all these children trick or treating in broad daylight? it's not even 3 pm!
Oates: there's like eight crossing guards for every child!
Oates: this is totally lame
Shelley: so lame
Oates: but what about Tiny Joe Hill?
Shelley: haha well cuz of you, his parents couldn't decorate the house for halloween
Shelley: so he never knew true fear
Oates: but surely he still grew up to write horror novels?
Shelley: no he grew up to write
Shelley: hopepunk
Oates: NOOOOO
Joe Hill: this is a story called Horns
Hill: it's about a guy who mysteriously grows horns but it's ok, everyone in his hometown still loves and accepts him
Oates: NOOOO
Hill: whoa calm down there
Hill: good vibes only
Oates: spirit tell me this can yet be changed!
Oates: spirit!
Oates: [waking up] no no NO!!!
Oates: what... it was all a dream??
Oates: [throwing open window] you there boy! what day is it?
Grady Hendrix: why it's halloween morn, guvna!
Oates: It's... it's halloween morn! I haven't missed it! the spirits did it all in one night!!
Oates: boy, do you know the Dracula's Closet on the corner?
Hendrix: the one with the skeleton as big as me?
Oates: haha a clever boy
Oates: go down there & tell them Carol Joyce Oates wants the BIGGEST skeleton they have
Oates: and there will be a shiny tupence in it for you!
Stephen King: carol! we uh didn't expect you
Oates: [carrying a bulging sack] humph humph halloween? humbug what are you doing in here, some sort of halloween party? humbug
King: whats in the bag?
Oates:[barely containing laughter] it's all humbug!!
Oates: i've come pffft to remind you pffffft how much i hate halloween heh heh
Tabitha King: why is there a 12 foot home depot skeleton on the lawn
Oates: hahahaha
Oates: oh you should have seen your faces
Oates: ahahha
Stephen King:
Tabitha King:
Oates: i met 3 spirits who showed me the truth about halloween
King: were you hanging out with Fitz James O'Brien
Oates: well i did see him last night before this all went down
Tabitha King: did he uh
Tabitha King: give you any candy?
Oates: why yes
Oates: but
Oates:
Carol Joyce Oates had no further intercourse with Spirits & it was always said that she knew how to keep halloween well, if any one alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us & all of us! So as Tiny Joe Hill observed, a very merry Hallo and a happy new ween!
• • •
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JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I'M BACK!
Rowling: [snapping fingers] and I'm on the prowl!
Rowling: revenge would tasste sso ssweet right now!
Julie Bindel, Helen Joyce, Alison Bailey: [in unison] she's back, she's back!
Rowling: and it's time for war!
Rowling: [snapping fingers] I'M BACK!
Rowling: and i won't play nice!
Julie Bindel, Helen Joyce, Alison Bailey: [in unison] she's back!
Rowling: I'M BACK!
Rowling: against my lawyer's advice!
Rowling: ssso
Rowling: you might have heard
Rowling: I'M BACK
King: oh, how was your candy floss vacation?
Rowling:
Rowling: my what
King: julie bindel said you were on vacation, eating vodka-infused candy floss
Rowling:
Rowling: oh yeah right that'ss definitely what i wass doing
Stephen King: wow, john, i just heard that you're going to be in the The Thing Expanded documentary!
John Carpenter: [playing Jak and Daxter: The Precursor Legacy on Playstation 2]
King:
Carpenter:
King: i said
Carpenter: i heard you
King: i'm just really excited cuz that's my favorite movie!
Poe: mine too!
Koontz: oh wow! me too!
Barker: everyone loves that movie
Lovecraft: great film!
Carpenter:
Carpenter: yeah well
Carpenter: that's not what you were saying in 1982
King: yeah ok that's true
King: but we all like it now
Carpenter:
Carpenter: son of a bitch
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i am very concerned
Barker: are you still on about the olympics
Rowling: NO
Rowling: well yess
Rowling: but more to the point
Rowling: people need to ssstop talking about my black mold!
Rowling: i want you all to sstop ssaying that my sscottish casstle isss full of black mold
Rowling: or asss we call it in england
Rowling: black mould
King: but joanne we're just really concerned!
Rowling: THATSSS MY LINE!!!
Stephen King: joanne, we're really concerned that the black mold in your castle might be influencing your thoughts
Rowling: prepossterousss! i've never felt more lucid!!
Rowling: why, i could write 100 manifessstosss!
JK Rowling: hello children
Clive Barker: oh are you still mad about the olym
Rowling: I'M SSTILL MAD ABOUT THE OLYMPICSS
Barker: looks like she's still mad about the olympics
Rowling: how dare you!
Rowling: POINT TO WHERE I SSAID I WAS SSTILL MAD ABOUT THE OLYMPICSS!!
Rowling: i have concernsss
Barker: hey joanne how do you feel about that rapist they let play volleyball?
Rowling: what?
Rowling: who caress about that?
Rowling: i'm talking about REAL ISSSSUESSS
Rowling: did you notice that boxer has a suspiciously unladylike haircut
Barker: how's the black mold situation at your scottish castle
Rowling: what? why do people keep assking about that?
Barker: what about gas leaks? any gas leaks?
Barker: maybe asbestos?
Barker: lead pipes?
Poe: oh yeah lead pipes, that would do it
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i'm VERY concerned about the olympicss
Clive Barker: oh you found a new interest? that's nice
Stephen King: i didn't know you followed the olympics!
Rowling: I do now that TRANSS WOMEN ARE INVOLVED
Barker: so you didn't find a new interest
King: i don't think any trans women are involved in the olympics actually joanne
Rowling: then I'll just have to make sssome up!
Barker: does everything have to be about the trans women
Rowling: YESS
Rowling: YESS IT DOESSS
Rowling: i'm very concerned about thisss boxing match
Rowling: SUPPOSEDLY two women were boxing
Rowling: but the winner? obviously secretly a man
Barker: how do you figure?
Rowling: DUH, cuz she won
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: what newssss?
Rowling: allisssson how goess the lawsssuit againssst ssstonewall?
Allison Bailey: GREAT NEWS!
Bailey: if losing were winning, then we just totally won!
Rowling:
Rowling: ssee, thiss sssilver-tongued eloquence isss why you're the bessst lawyer in the bussinesss!
Bailey: thanks, dark lord!
Rowling: or you would be if you ACTUALLY WON ANY CASSSESSS
Bailey: i
Bailey: oh
Rowling: how could you lose? i gave you £1,000,000!
Bailey: ok yeah i lost this case but i'm sure that, if you just gave me another £1,000,000, i could absolutely pin that wispa bar on a trans
Bailey: i know i could do it
Bailey: you gotta believe me!
Bailey: c'mon, bro, just one more £1,000,000, just one more