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1 Nov, 91 tweets, 27 min read
"Replicator, Pasty (Cornish) plus chips and baked beans."
Learnt the hard way to specify Cornish on that one.

These things default to American settings.
Re: Chips vs Fries in the replicator.

My understanding is that Picard logged that one via the Enterprise IT Help Desk as a VIP request, which is why saying 'chips' gives you proper ones.

The captain loves a nuggets and chips lunch.
Picard's not really French. He just realised at the academy that he was never going to get a capital ship captaincy with a Yorkshire accent.

You should hear him after a few Romulan ales in Guinan's. Goes full Dewsbury.

Holodeck guy on deck 4 said that Picard has a WHOLE PROGRAM set up that's just broken dry-stone walls. Spends hours in there just fixing them.

Also for Worf's leaving do, he says Picard, Riker and Worf did the Last of The Summer Wine episode where compo goes downhill in the bath
First week on the Enterprise, during the New Starters lunch, I heard Picard order 'Earl Grey, hot' and wondered why. It DEFAULTS to hot.

Then I tried it.

IT GIVES YOU YORKSHIRE TEA.

Found out later from a guy in IT that Picard got them to hack that in as a custom command.
Everyone on the ship knows all this, btw. Bit like how we know Riker's trumpet has a sound chip in it.

But the captain is pretty awesome so we just let it slide.
Riker's pretty chill, btw. One time I got stuck on DS9 with him for a week after a conference. Sisko requed our shuttle for some wormhole bullshit.

We spent the whole time in Quark's holos running a 1920s Parisian bar. Was awesome.

Riker picked up the whole bill. Proper gent.
About a month later, back on the Enterprise, I get called in to see the Captain.

He informs me that "in recognition of service" I've made Lieutenant.

Turns out Riker claimed we'd been stuck in a holosim gone wrong, so he could claim back the cost.

Absolute scenes.
I mean, what do you say?

Riker was next to Picard giving me a "DON'T SAY ANYTHING" look, so I just nodded. Said something vague about upholding the values of Star Fleet.

Picard looked amused then dismissed me.

Was only after that I realised he knew EXACTLY what Riker had done.
Anyway. That's how I made Lieutenant.

Lieutenant Commander was down to an incident while I was on secondment to one of the Sulus. But that one I DEFINITELY earned. Every single Sulu I've ever met has been a bit crazy.
Basically, if a Sulu insists that you can skirt a time distortion in a standard shuttle as long as you're at half-impulse then don't listen.

Just because great-grandaddy Sulu was a brilliant pilot doesn't mean they are.

Learnt that the hard way.
Anyway. I fly shuttles on the Enterprise. AMA, I guess.
Because Anti-Grav on starships is run by IT, not Engineering. And the IT department know what a UPS is.
It's a fold out with an opaque field generator on most shuttles. It's pretty grim.

It's why us shuttle pilots tend to get on well with the seniors. There are no secrets on long shuttle flights.
Several. And literally nobody knows how they get on the frikkin ship.

Shuttledeck cat is a Siamese ('Khan'). Almost caused a diplomatic incident by clawing out the Klingon Chancellor's eye. Luckily, Chancellor loved it. Now we have to send him cat selfies
Yup!

One of the shuttle engineers is a Horta. Makes incredible scones.
That's not actually how it happened. Every cat that appears on the Enterprise is neutered (as soon as we find them).

But talking about what ACTUALLY happens tends to lead to a fun conversation with Section 31. So I won't.
Depends on the ship. On OG enterprise, I'd have had a spacious cabin as an LC. There's less space on the E so I share a cabin with the Horta officer I mentioned earlier.

It's no biggie. He keeps to himself. Although I once had to stop Riker sitting on him
It's basic pilot code for "shut the eff up and let me fly please senior officer sir or ma'am."

They know it. We know it. But it makes it sounds formal and more Star Fleety in front of civvies and ensigns.
Ah. The 'Riker Mod'. Less politely known as "the bridge officer's nipple"

It's on 3 of the Enterprise shuttles. I know a couple of other ships use it now.

If you know what you're doing you don't need it.

Riker is a MEAN Spitfire pilot in the holos tho.
We've a couple on the E. They mostly bunk down in Cetacean Ops.

Ex of mine on the Sovereign used to share with a Tholian which was pretty weird. She was from some breakaway colony that didn't hate the entire universe. Nice lady, but hella bright at night.
I have an eye implant because of a MASSIVE fight in Guinan's after a pilot told an engineer that we called them "lava lampers"

I had a cool eye patch for two weeks while it was on order. Wanted to keep it perma. Riker said fine but the doc overruled him.
First Shuttle chief I served under was great. From Orion, so had a serious temper, but only if you screwed up. Because she legit cared.

She taught me: check the seat covers. If those are ragged, the shuttle isn't being cared for. Saved me more than once.
I refer you back to my previous comment about losing an eye after we lost a fight with the Lava Lampers.

Draw your own conclusions from that.
I had to pilot for Data once on a Starbase trip. By about day three he'd gotten bored and talked the shuttle replicator into thinking it was sentient.

Effing thing took over the shuttle and ran off to join the Borg the moment we docked. Not fun.

I agree that non-med blue shirts tend to be underrated but let's be honest: your job is basically to feed the dolphins.

Actual number is classified. We're not short of them but you better have a damn good excuse for dumping one.

I've only had to do it once. Something to do with Troy's mother. Don't ask. Captain gave me a bottle of Chateau Picard when I got back, though.
The universal translator isn't as amazing as people who don't have a lot of direct contact with other species think.

Has a habit of weird translations for things with no direct equiv. Never say "Grapefruit" near an Andorian if you don't like being punched
Another example: Was duty pilot when the Captain had to negotiate with a Breen outpost.

We land. Door opens. Breen leader comes out in badass armour.

BREEN LEADER: Human! Let us ovulate in each other's mouths

Picard's poker face was amazing. In the shuttle I was pissing myself
It's weirder than that: THE BORG DRINK YORKSHIRE TEA. But they THINK it's Earl Grey!

Legacy of the Captain's time as Locutus, and his weird replicator fake out command.

I know this because Riker showed me his debrief file while pissed. Pretty hilarious.
Pipe smoke and winter nights under a blanket. It's uncanny. And cross species. We ask all new joiners, of all species, and it's ALWAYS their variant of this.

All of us have, at some point, been drunk enough to ask him openly about it. But he just smiles
Depends. Official rule is shuttle pilots should uniform match the most senior rank on the flight. No idea why.

On the ship we wear red, and report direct to Riker as we're technically cross-department (Yellow/red). Same as Quartermaster and ship's barber.
Reading this thread back, realise I'm making it sound like we don't get on with the engineers. It's mostly friendly rivalry.

Geordi is effing awesome. Once mentioned my dad's replicator was always broken. Next shore leave? Get back to London to find Geordi at my dad's fixing it.
To qualify as a shuttle pilot you have to do the regular Kobayashi AND the Melbourne Star, which is the shuttle equivalent.

Not allowed to talk about the latter. Will tell you that on the Big K, I entered the zone to answer the distress call. Got smoked.

Never heard of that ship, and not in the Enterprise's computer either. I just checked. Was she definitely Star Fleet?
Personal opinion: as a pilot, I think runabouts are the worst of both worlds. A shuttle I can fling around to evade fire. A ship (I'm rated up to Sovereign) I can angle for shields and tank with.

Runabouts are slow AND fragile. Eff runabouts.
The standard joke is that the best Star Fleet officers are those who live long enough to realise they're NOT a shuttle pilot.

Mortality among actual pilots is low. Mortality among bridge crew who think they can do a mission without us is high.
More than you'd think. Less often than embarrassed senior staff caught simulating their private fantasies pretend.

Pro-tip: if you're on a ship with a holodeck, be VERY nice to IT. They see (and sometimes record) everything.
Not on the D. Have flown the Cousteau a few times. Hate it. It's just a runabout with pleather.
I have actually met him (don't ask. Still classified), and yes.

Although oddly I'm the one with the moustache. Which both Riker and Mirror Riker absolutely pissed themselves laughing at.
Invaluable when you're flying a ship. Unnecessary weight when you're piloting a shuttle.
To quote one of the books we studied in Classical Literature at Star Fleet Academy:

"Moves like a fish, steers like a cow"

Only in love.

Dated one VERY briefly who turned out to be a salt vampire. Still get ripped for it on the shuttle deck.
Captain Scott.

Although given how we found him, I wasn't exactly surprised about it.

I actually met and fought alongside Captain Kirk in an incident involving Mirror Universe USS Voyager. One of only two times I have taken a life.

It taught me there are captains you would die for, and captains who will get you killed. Kirk is the latter.
Captain's discretion once you're away from Spacedock. Picard's rule is booze and cultural weapons only.

I drank with an Ensign on the Cerritos once though who had a CRAZY weapon collection. It was insane. God knows why her captain let her get away with it
I've honestly not been in what I'd see as danger I haven't been well trained for THAT much. The Enterprise just seems to act like some kind of weird event magnet.

You tend to either love that or hate it. I love it, but the ship has a high crew turnover.
That would be a Class 1 Holosim Malfunction. Counts as time on continuous duty (so can claim time in lieu) and, if it happens in a private Holosuite, can be claimed back on expenses.

Hence how I became a lieutenant (described up thread).
No rule against Star Fleet officers having Social Media. Just a wad of complex, confusing paperwork to fill in to get authorised. So most people don't bother.

But most people don't have an android who owes them a favour for losing a shuttle to the Borg...
Don't really care. It's not like we pay for them.

THAT SAID... Geordi and I got stuck in the 22nd Century for a week or so once and got to rock the naval jumper/red jacket/bell bottoms combo while incognito.

It was INSANE how comfy that was. Loved it.
Not personally. I know someone over on the Archer who encountered some a few years back.

She said they were SUPER chill and lovely. They'd turned up on a mining world. Were handing out leaflets encouraging people to be asimilated and opened a soup kitchen
You vertical relative to your destination. So "up" is whatever "up" is wherever you are going (magnetic north if that's a planet).

If that's not an option, you vertical relative to the ship.

There's a dial on the panel that shows you your chosen relative
Nobody knows what cats are except cats, and they aren't telling.

Should point out I'm half Caitian btw. On my mother's side. Hence the ears.

Advantages: better eyesight and reaction times. Riker using you as his "double date" guy.
Disadvantages: The tail
Mostly the chair thing. But also badly configured doors nipping your tail.

Not a problem on the Enterprise. I literally had to lodge a HR complaint on the Sovereign to get Engineering to increase the open time. One of the reasons I requested a transfer.
Star Fleet actually grants us up to one month optional heritage/charity leave every year (missions allowing).

A lot of people don't bother, but I volunteer as a pilot with the 22nd Century Memorial Flight when I can. Those shuttles are fun to fly.
There are FOUR standard Star Fleet uniforms: Dress, Summer, Winter, Tropical. (old Terran terms I think)

CO picks most appropriate. Checked with my aunt (Chief Med on the Cerratos) says they're second contact, so do Summer as new races love it. Saysship/
Never had one. the advantage of being a shuttle pilot is I tend to drive myself to places!

Our workload does tend to rise and fall in relation to the last time Engineering installed a new update to the transporter emitters though.
Yup! Picard introduced me to him when I was his pilot to a command conference.

(The Captain ALWAYS takes care of his pilots at events. A lot of captains treat us like chauffeurs).

It's how I got to fly the Delta Flyer a few months later.
The Captain's FAMILY are from France, but he grew up Yorkshire. There's reasons. Not my story to tell.

I love flying shuttles as you get to know the REAL side of people. Hard not to on a long flight. All the senior staff have been great. Except Polanski.
Don't ask me, man. I didn't take 'Ancient Terran Music' at the academy. They're all weird brass noise tubes and bits of squeaky wood to me.

(I did literature. My dissertation was on Jemisin's influence on Federation foundational ethics)
That's her! Chief Med for a while. Amazing Doctor. But had 'views' and thought it was down to others to change them. First time I had her on the shuttle:

HER: I see you're part Caitain. That's very unusual. Can I touch your ears?
ME: No sir. You cannot.
To stress again: Pulaski was an amazing doctor and not a bad person. She was always polite. Just not right for the culture we have on the Enterprise.

Also: She was mean to Data. Data is lovely. All us LCs are very protective of him.

Wasn't surprised when Captain P moved her on.
Takes the fun out if it when you know Riker's using a sound chip.

There's a group of Ensigns in Ops who are full ren fair into the old wooden instruments. Two big stand up things. Two smaller shoulder ones. They play 10Forward sometimes. They're amazing.
Okay:

"Why does nobody on the Enterprise ever listen to Terran music from later than the early 20th century"

This was easier to ask my roommate Khahti about. Was his minor at the Academy. His answer below.

Apparently we do. I just didn't know it. Whatsapp convo between Khahti zu Naraht and me. ME: you did
I didn't know O'Brien when he was on the Enterprise. I fly shuttles. As you can imagine, our paths didn't exactly cross!

Riker introduced me to him when we got stuck on DS9 though. Really nice guy. Only other officer I've met who owns a set of darts.
Not personally, but I've seen it happen. Mostly on smaller ships where tbh the issue is more people being stuck in limited space together, and looking for any excuse to fight.
I flew for Kira for a bit as part of a diplomatic mission. One of the finest, but also saddest officers I've ever met. Helped me a LOT with dealing with taking a life on mirror Voyager.

Accidentally called her 'mom' once, which she's never let me forget.
I saw a drunk young Lieutenant try to make the same point to O'Brien himself in Quarks, during my brief time on DS9.

That was how I learned Bashir was a dentist as well as a doctor.
"What OS does the ship run and how does the Enterprise deal with alien malware"

Tbh no idea. I fly shuttles. So I asked a mate down in IT. Her response is below. Hope you're happy. Now I've got to tell her about accidentally calling Major Kira 'mom'. Messenger convo between me and Ellu Xarja: ME: Hey. What OS
I joined the Enterprise after Yarr was gone. Geordi has always been my CE and my thoughts on Pulaski are up thread. So the current one? Know that's a cop out but it's true!

To change the params: who would I WANT as captain when Picard gets promoted: Kira

I've never flown the Defiant. It's on my bucket list.

Every pilot I know who has, says it's the most beautifully responsive, punchy ship they've ever flown.

My current flight deck exec on the Enterprise is ex-DS9. She described it as like riding a Tiger.
Okay. This one will take a couple of Tweets so bear with me. Most people outside Star Fleet don't understand WHY it appoints to Admiral the way it does now.

Short version: it doesn't want 'Fighting' Admirals.
This is a direct result of what is known as the 'Admiral Crisis' of the late 22nd Century. This was back when Star Fleet favoured promoting 'fighting' Captains like Kirk and Cartwright to Admiral and above.

This resulted in several major crises of command, and actual ship theft.
Because it turned out that what made these guys good Captains - opinion, boldness, tendency to pragmatically disregard rules - is REALLY REALLY BAD in Fleet command roles.

And worst case, leads to actual plots to start an entire frikkin war with the Klingons.
After that (we learn all this at the Academy in command class) Star Fleet realised that if you need a fighty guy in charge of a squadron, you find the nearest fighty captain and make him a temporary Commodore.

And you promote to Admiral people who do calm logistics.
So yes. The Admiral layer today may seem dull and bureaucratic. That's deliberate. Because it's what the fleet NEEDS.

Tbh, my big surprise has always been that Picard hasn't been promoted. He's the only Captain I've served under who is both fighty AND logistic. Proper big brain.
We know he was up for promotion before the incident with the Nexus. Riker had told us that Picard was pushing for it.

But after that... he stopped. I don't know why. Don't know what changed his mind.

But losing the D changed us all a bit. Who knows.

Anyway. I fly shuttles. AMA
I don't know anyone who doesn't think the Mirandas are death traps. They shouldn't be in service.
No, but my aunt is Chief Medical Officer on one, so I'm pretty familiar with them. They're tough little ships. Tougher than Command gives them credit for.
I can't talk about the contents of the Montgomery Star (the shuttle variant of the Kobayashi Maru test).

I CAN tell you that if you sit it at the Academy today, one of the four scenarios you may face is based on an utterly batshit thing Worf and I did.

I should add that we did not solve the situation in a clever or interesting way.

We just managed to survive long enough for Geordi to do some of his usual weird af Engineering brain genius to beam us out of trouble.
Everyone I know who has served on an Oberth absolutely loves them. Strange but true.
Right. Picard has just had me in his office. One of you ratted me to Starfleet for doing this.

Good news is: They say it's good for recruitment so I can carry on. BUT has to be a separate account.

So ask @catboy_cdr anything! I'm a shuttle pilot! twitter.com/catboy_cdr

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John Bull Profile picture
1 Nov
ME: it's 6am. I can get 2hrs more sleep.
MY BRAIN: Oh hai. You're awake. So in our hypothetical Columbo reboot with Donald Glover, we should do an episode where a famous speedrunner murders a fan who discovers he's cheating, but appears to be streaming when the murder happens...
ME: I just want sleep
MY BRAIN: Yeah. Cool. Anyway, I've worked out the basics. The fan blackmails the speedrunner who promises to help him become a famous streamer. The speedrunner convinces him they should fake an on-air robbery, just after the speedrunner raids him on Twitch.
ME: Go away
MY BRAIN: They film the fake robbery the day before. Then, on the MORNING of the planned fake vid the speedrunner actually murders the fan before he starts his stream, and sets the fan's computer up to play the fake video at the time of the raid. Bosh. Alibi.
Read 14 tweets
John Bull Profile picture
30 Oct
If we end up at war with the French next week I'd like to remind them that London has some lovely cafes and we're totally okay with some kind of 'free trade city' exclave setup.

Remember that pls when Bojo is unconditionally surrendering in a rail carriage on the Kingston loop.
Also: Don't worry, Watford isn't actually part of London. They just pretend they are so they can use the Tube.

So you don't have to have that bit. BoJo can keep it and move his capital there.
Also, if you force him to release Scotland in the peace deal, they'll probably sign an alliance with you straight away.

Trust me. I've played A LOT of Europa Universalis 4. Happens every time.
Read 5 tweets
John Bull Profile picture
29 Oct
Zuckerberg out there pretending the Metaverse is gonna be people doing complex AR Art and avatars.

When, in reality, you're just going to log on and be surrounded by a million versions of this:
Because sure. Your mum and dad are gonna spend hours working out how to sort their Blender meshes out properly before logging on to the Metaverse.
Metaverse is just going to be the Nextdoor version of Minority Report.
Read 7 tweets
John Bull Profile picture
29 Oct
A quick message for everyone who donated to the charity walk for MND we're doing tomorrow, from Jose (Clara's widower).

Many thanks from me too. And my particular personal thanks to the anonymous donor who made a big donation.

Still time to donate here justgiving.com/fundraising/cl…
This place can be rubbish at times. Really rubbish. But I've also always believed that you have to try and make Twitter the space you'd like it to be.

Over the last week, you lot have donated over £1,500 in memory of someone you never met just because I asked.

You're wonderful.
OBVIOUSLY I still don't believe any of you are real people. You're all bots and AI scripts.

But you're very nice bots. You helped make a widower (who doesn't quite understand why you did this) happy, and helped Clara's family make a difference for others with MND in her memory.
Read 5 tweets
John Bull Profile picture
28 Oct
New phone time, so a reminder that this is what my home screen looks like.

This is it. Everything. It only shows things I ACTIVELY interact with at a given time. All passive apps are hidden and accessed via notifications.

Better for mental health. Zero distractions. Simple list of apps on big white text on black background.
To be on the list, something needs to be an app that i choose to click to achieve something on a regular basis.

Items are added temporarily to that list as required (e.g. airline check in app if i'm flying that day etc. Teams if i need to watch it on my phone for a bit)
Adding an item temporarily, or removing one i've stopped using, requires simply clicking the black space and then, when the list of EVERYTHING installed on the phone pops up, checking or unchecking it's check box.
Read 11 tweets
John Bull Profile picture
28 Oct
This. My main memory, as someone who was born in 1980 in small town England, was the novelty of trying to get one of the new atlases/textbooks in geography class that 'Commonwealth of Independent States' in it, rather than USSR.
I do remember the Berlin Wall coming down though.

Mostly because my dad made me watch it, as he said it would be important for me to be able to remember it happening one day.

He was right.
IRA was a constant thing though in our heads.

Multiple school evacuations due to suspect packages. Plus I was 'blown up' once. Was on the bridge when the Stevenage rail bomb went off in 1994.

Trips down to London always had a hint of danger, especially Docklands.
Read 6 tweets

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