Thread by @owenbroadcast

i have been thinking a lot about sex and my relationship to sex after having a baby. now that im on the other side of it, i can feel the hollow and paper thin nature of sex and sexual desire that is totally decoupled from reproduction in an extremely tangible way. it is very odd.

i was unaware of this, im not sure if all the other men know, but one thing that happens when you get a woman pregnant and then she carries your child is that you get a [lot] more attracted to her, in a way that transcends the logical “well of course that would happen”.

its like a whole new level. to me, being raised in my particular socio-cultural situation, its a whole new dimension of sex, which is funny, because of course thats what sex is about. i have been thinking about this a lot and i think i can pinpoint exactly what “the flip” is here

in all of my previous sexual experiences, decoupled from the possibility of reproduction, what is “hot” or exciting or, the point of the experience, is that the other person “wants it”. in fact this is a cliche thing people say during sex, “do you like that? / you want it?” etc.

i think pinning that down and focusing on it highlights that, that kind of sexual experience, kind of naturally emphasizes the objectifying or, im not sure how to phrase this, the “dirty” aspect of sex. the “being used / using” aspect of sex, is emphasized there.

i think that is emphasized in the types of pornography people watch, weird fetishes, etc., which basically almost always serve to highlight and focus more on an individuals desire or objectification or them “being used” in some way, or their need for some weird situation etc.

thats pretty obvious, woah casual sex + porn emphasize the “dirty” base aspect of sex, but what i find interesting is that i cant help but feel that even in my past loving and romantic situations, that aspect of non-reproductive sex was there. like its inherent to that experience

its like now that im on the other side of it, i can look back at all of my past sexual experiences and see this weird dimension to them that previously, i never would have noticed. part of it is that weird shadow element i describe above, part of it is a “thin”-ness.

naturally as a guy, then also growing up in this time, with this media, i have had certain sexual “fantasies”, images, situations, themes, lodged deep into my brain, carved into the walls there over time. i abandoned these long ago but, they are still there, in the caves.

and now that im on the other side of this aspect of sex, occasionally these have come up, not for any reason, + its almost funny. they seem especially childish or comical - its almost difficult to remember being in that situation and framework where that was “it”. i dont remember

this new aspect of sex has totally displaced those previous manifestations of it. when i was pressed previously to come up with an analogy, its really like i was eating candy and now im eating meat. that analogy works on a few levels, how you feel after eating candy, for example.

i am often finding myself in the position of being the fool, realizing things that seem deep and profound to me and then stepping back and being unable to tell if its obvious and everyone already knew, and if i just wasnt in the loop, or what. tbh i enjoy this position immensely.

but this is one of the weirder manifestations of that for sure because its so tangible. i literally feel it directly. its not just an idea. no one ever told me that happens or, maybe i just wasnt really in a space to internalize it, at that time.

[super deep analogy] alert but everyone has seen a stone thrown into a pond + the ripples expand + slowly encompass and encircle more areas and things. i have used an analogy like this before but that is basically how i have experienced the theological dimension of life, recently

the circles began very small but as they get larger more things are contained within that boundary that delineates the sacred from the profane, and i am continually surprised by this process, the transformation of things that i thought were entirely antithetical to spirituality.

and now sex is in there. kind of strange isnt it. i did not know that was on the table. i imagine some low ranking angel brings down his hand and touches and illumines varying aspects of my life, making them “good”: sex, my car, money (for the baby). whats next? i have no idea.