"They seem fine to me". I work with many parents whose children are really unhappy at school. The pressure on them to pretend to outsiders that everything is 'fine' is immense. 1/
These parents often feel shame. Shame that their child isn't fitting in and 'doing well', shame because schools often suggest that they must be doing something wrong, and shame because 'everyone else seems fine'. 2/
Shame because they have often felt forced to do things they would never have chosen, like bring a child to school in their pyjamas, or leave them screaming at the door of the classroom. Shame because every morning and afternoon is so hard. 3/
Shame means that they don't talk about their experiences freely, for fear of judgement by others. Not many things say 'bad parent' (in the eyes of society) more than having a child who is refusing to go to school. 4/
This means that often everyone else remains totally ignorant that this is happening, even close friends and family. Other parents don't see the problem and teachers doesn't realise the level of distress, particularly if a child appears to be 'fine' once at school. 5/
This is how shame operates in our society. It helps maintain social norms. It renders invisible those who do not conform. 6/
Sometimes people think that just because we don't often talk about school-related distress in day to day conversation, that means it isn't there. 'The kids seem fine to me' they say. 'They don't seem traumatised by their experiences'. 7/
But that is how shame works. It hides distress, difference and non-conformity and maintains social norms. When parents get together with others who share their experiences, it's like the mask falls off. 'We thought we were the only ones', they say. 8/
What's my point? Never assume, just because something isn't routinely talked about, that it doesn't exist. Look for the things we can't mention, for fear of judgement. You won't notice shame because that is how it work. It is invisible, and it makes non-conformity invisible. 9/
Many children are unhappy at school and we need to challenge the social norm which says that this is either because there is something wrong with them or it is their parents' fault. This prevents us from acknowledging what a big problem this is. 10/
If we could see the scale of the problem, and if we listened to young people and their parents, we'd see that we have to change the system so it works for many more young people. We'd see that forcing them in does more harm than good. 11/
We could then explore other ways to learn, because school is not the only way to get an education.Children do not have to be forced to learn &if we could move on from that idea we could start to become a more compassionate society, starting with the way we treat young people.12/
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