Thread by @kamryngooden

I submitted my official withdrawal from my PhD program today.

I intended to wait until the dust settled before trying to put words to the feelings I’m experiencing, but some things just cannot wait. I have so much to say & I’m not sure where to start. I suppose I’ll begin here—

This decision has been one of the more difficult of my life, but I’ve come to have no reservations in trusting that it is the right one. I have dreamt of obtaining my PhD all my life, but the circumstances that both life and academia have presented me with have led me to conclude

that the time is not right to pursue such a dream. After a difficult year tainted by emotional lows and tough relapses in recovery from an eating disorder that I’ve yet to free myself from, I grew fearful and doubtful of my potential to reach a full enough recovery that would

enable me to direct my passion and skills in generative ways. Therefore, I have chosen to step away from my studies completely (for the foreseeable future). Withdrawing from the PhD track was never my intention, and while it is devastating to accept the reality of this decision,

I am learning to be proud of it. I didn’t know it then, but here’s what I know now:

I thought I was giving up, when really I was giving myself a chance.

I thought I was choosing wrong, when really I was choosing for the first time.

I thought I was sacrificing my joy,

when really I was committing myself to chasing it eternally.

I thought I was building my own cage, when really I was setting myself free.

Life is not at all how I anticipated, and I’m hardly the person I expected to become. But maybe it’s okay that I’m not doing what I always

expected of myself. Above all, following the overwhelming shame + guilt I’ve carried since choosing to step away from where and who I thought I was meant to be, I have never felt more courageous.

Feeling: deeply grateful, proud, at peace🕊

#phdlife #phdvoice #AcademicChatter