Thread by @mspowahs

thread for lazytweeting my slow watch of Witcher S2

Nivellen: have some food! [flintstones meat lands on geralt's head]
Ciri: wow, that's impressive,
Nivellen: but?
Ciri: just like. why does it always have to appear from like, 4 feet up
Nivellen: oh it doesn't
Geralt:
Nivellen: i told you i'm a MoNStER

triss: where the hell is yennefer
geralt: YENNEFER
triss: what the fuck
geralt: WHAT DID YOU DO WITH HER
triss: she's gone
geralt: FUCK YOU
triss: no i mean i can't find h–
geralt: [already running away]

geralt: so. uh. what have you, you know. been up to. in your life
ciri: massive trauma, mostly
geralt: oh. uh
ciri: yeah
geralt: then i guess you’d probably prefer to do the things that will keep you safe and alive
ciri: no
geralt: in most situations
ciri: absolutely not

ciri: daddy LOOK i stayed safe in my room
geralt: holy shit
ciri: i could have run towards danger but i didn’t
geralt: that’s. really amazing
ciri: yeah it is
geralt: here’s a sword
ciri: fuck yes

elf: as an elf supremacist i think you are scum
yen: ouch. haha
elf: i know you’ll say anything to get out of elf jail
yen: it’s true i will
elf: my vision told me
yen: nice
elf: yeah it had a white robed figure
frangilla: oh yours was white?
yen: yeah mine was red
elf: holy shit

vereena:

https://twitter.com/mspowahs/status/1424965673424465924?s=20

ciri: are you a monster
geralt: no. kinda. a little
ciri: am i a monster
vesemir: excellent question
geralt: shut up. no
ciri: was the bloodthirsty bat thing pretending to be a cat a monster
vereena [dead]: no
geralt: it tried to rip out your throat
ciri: look i'm new to all this

eskel: RAAAHHH
geralt: [clubs him with a torch]
eskel: FUCK
geralt: eskel?
eskel: hey geralt
geralt: oh haha hey eskel sorry about th–
eskel: RAAAHHH
geralt: wow i am slipping

geralt: ciri, you know you can tell me anything
ciri: i absolutely do not know that
geralt: [pinching bridge of nose] vesemir, how do–
vesemir: shut up i'm doing csi on your brother

ciri: stab, stab, fall. st–
lambert: you are like a fingerling potato
ciri: exsqueeze me
coën: an underripe squash of a useless baby
ciri: say that again you sackless maggot
lambert: wretch
ciri: cretin
[9 hours later]
geralt: why is there horse chaos. where is everyone
everyone:

geralt: if all your witcher friends jumped off a bridge, w–
ciri: [climbing over bridge rail]
geralt: NO

vilgefortz: how long were you listening outside the door to make a dramatic entrance
yen: i don't know what you're talking about :)
vilgefortz: so like an hour
yen: yeah about an hour twenty

francesca: have you ever considered doing less of the stuff people fear and despise you for
fringilla: literally never
francesca: did we just become best friends

ciri: yeah well can YOU do THIS [spits out teeth while falling over]
geralt: actually no

yen: what are you doing
tiss: CRIPES uh. writing a christmas card
yen: on a stone tablet
tiss: yes
yen: with laser magic
tiss: yes
yen: i knew i shouldn't have come back here
tiss: awwww
yen: you didn't say 'no'
tiss: that is correct

yen: sup loser
cahir: wow ok
yen: i need to feel good about myself so i'm here to taunt you
cahir: that's ironic
yen: why
cahir: cuz you're fresh outta sick burns
yen:
cahir: [coughs up blood]

triss:
lambert: a GIRL
coën: a GIRL
geralt: sigh
ciri: a GIRL
geralt: what

geralt: ciri this is triss
ciri: it sure is
geralt: she’s to guide you
ciri: into…
geralt: GOOD CHOICES
triss: i am only minorly aroused by unresolved trauma
ciri:
triss: [quickly] but only geralt’s
geralt:

yen: nice set. pining much
jaskier: tis a common fate
yen: anyone i’d know?
jaskier: doubtful
yen: you covered “Witchy Woman” but replaced the lyrics with “Witcher Man”
jaskier: ah, well
yen: then you ended with the Mickey Mouse song but changed it to G-E-R-A-L-T
jaskier: ok but

yen: why are you doing nice things. for other people
jaskier: think about it. a society that could mistreat the elves would also not look kindly upon….
yen: chaotic bisexuals
jaskier: precisely

frin: hey fran!
fran: it’s frin!
frin: how’s my franny today?
fran: frantabulous! how’s my frinny?
frin: fairly frindid!
cahir: what
cahir: the fuck

istredd: this ravine could hold the key to my rock theories
geralt: this ravine could hold the key to my monster theories
[both]: i have to go down there
istredd: did we just become best–
geralt: no

triss: so
ciri: nope
triss: instead of horribly dying
ciri: nahuh
triss: wanna mindmeld with me
ciri:
ciri: oh you are good
triss: don’t worry it’s safe
ciri: i was literally just about to drink the witcher goo
triss: [mindmelding] wow. it’s proper fucked in here
ciri: VESEMIR

geralt: [running and puking from portal sickness] it’s okay sweetie i got your page i–
vesemir: [badly hides syringe] to be fair she said please TWICE
triss: i think your child may actually be the antichrist
ciri: i wanna be a heartless beefcake just like you!
geralt:
geralt:

tiss*

fringilla*