Thread by @ReviewsPossum

I started watching The Matrix Resurrections and, thirty minutes in, it's already the most up-its-own-ass movie I have ever seen.

So far, The Matrix Resurrections feels like it was tailor-made to appeal to zoomers. That's not a good thing.

Neo has a new romantic rival. He's literally named Chad.

The plot so far concerns Neo working as a game designer, having no memory of the events of the first three movies except for flashbacks which he thinks are schizophrenic episodes or something, and everyone believes the events of the old movies were a video game he made.

There's a bunch of obnoxious wink-wink metacommentary about sequels when Neo's boss tells him their parent company, Warner Bros., wants them to make a sequel to his game.

This wink-wink bullshit is obnoxious because it feels like the Wachowskis thought they were being really clever and were just patting themselves on the back the whole time they were making the movie.

Neo gets a text from Morpheus telling him to meet him in the men's room. Morpheus is played by a different actor now, and he comes out of a stall all serious at first, but then he's all like, "ha ha, that was a callback" and I fucking hate the MCU and its influence on everything.

A bunch of SWAT dudes come in, everything blows up, Neo's boss talks like Agent Smith and points a gun at him, but then Neo wakes up at his therapist's office and it turns out it's just a psychotic episode, and Neo sees his therapist's cat named Deja-Vu because fuck you.

The cinematography sucks. Almost the entire movie so far has just been standard shot/reverse shot dialogue scenes with standard dramatic reverse key lighting.

Neo gets drunk and tries to jump off a roof, but then he's stopped by our new STRONG FEMALE CHARACTER named Bugs, "as in Bugs Bunny" (she really says that at some point) because this is a Warner Bros. movie. DO YOU GET IT?! They go through a magic door and end up on a train.

They go through another magic door and end up in a room where the first movie is being projected on a big screen because postmodern metacommentaries are totally clever and not at all played out and tired.

Suck my dick, movie.

Morpheus convinces Neo to take the red pill, then SWAT guys show up and start shooting up the place, so they escape through the magic door and end up on the train again, but then the passengers get possessed or something and attack them, and the effects are terrible.

FUCK OFF, MOVIE.

They go into the bathroom and escape the Matrix through a mirror because they don't use phones anymore because landline phones are old and this is the NEW AND IMPROVED MATRIX THAT'S HIP WITH THE KIDS, YO! DIG IT!

So Neo wakes up in the real world, sees Trinity in the pod right next to his, then gets carried by a robot bug thing to the new hovership thing where they plug him into the Construct and Morpheus beats the shit out of him until he remembers that he knows Kung Fu.

Without his long hair, Keanu Reeves looks like Mike Stoklasa.

I'm gonna eat my Crunky bar while I continue watching The Matrix Resurrections.

Neo wakes up on the ship and it turns out Bugs is the captain. She introduces Neo to the crew which includes a handful of friendly robots who were only included so Warner Bros. could have something to turn into a toy.

It turns out that it's actually been something like sixty years since the events of the original trilogy, and I guess Morpheus is a program now for some reason and doesn't really have a body in the real world, so they made one out of floating balls.

Neo tells Bugs he saw Trinity in the pod next to him, but she says they can't get her now, so they fly through a holographic wall thing that hides the new city, Io, from the sentinels (because robots don't have radar or metal detection or anything like that).

Bugs takes Neo to meet with the general, Niobe from the original trilogy, who's old now. She strips Bugs of her rank because she disobeyed an order to save Neo, then has Neo locked up for some reason, but then Bugs and her crew bust him out literally 58 seconds later.

During an overly long exposition dump, Niobe explains that Zion went to shit, and the Machines split up into two factions that went to war with each other.

Neo and the gang go into the Matrix to find Trinity, but they randomly (it's seriously out of nowhere) run into Smith, who looks different now because the Machines found a way to change the way people look to others, but the real reason is Hugo Weaving told them to fuck off.

It turns out Smith has teamed up with the Merovingian and his henchmen (who are all "exiles" now), and a big, dumb, pointless, and poorly choreographed fight scene breaks out.

Neo blows Smith away with his newfound Force powers, the new computer guy fist-bumps one of the friendly robots, then Neo meets up with Trinity.

But then it turns out Neo's therapist is actually the new program in charge of the Matrix, and he gives an absurdly long villain monologue about facts vs feelings while time is slowed down so Neo can't punch him, then everyone escapes before the police show up.

Neo and Bugs get chewed out by Niobe, but then a robot bird thing shows up and does that thing where a non-human character makes a bunch of unintelligible noises and a human character understands them somehow, and says someone wants to meet Neo.

So Neo and the gang go to a cartoon forest where they meet the little girl from The Matrix Revolutions who's all grown up now. She say's "Neo's escape has destabilized the Matrix" and Bad Guy is going to reset the Matrix and kill Trinity if Neo doesn't plug back in.

The gang executes an Ocean's 11 style heist montage where they all do different things to break into the "Anomaleum" to get Trinity, and for some reason, they need to use Bug's brain to get her out.

Neo meets up with Trinity and Bad Guy at some place and a bunch of shit happens, then Smith shows up and kills Bad Guy, then a bunch of henchmen show up to kill them.

"How bad?"
"Like, all the bad."

I fucking hate this movie.

If The Matrix Resurrections was made in the '90s, it would have had a rapping cartoon dog in it.

I guess Trinity has no emotional attachment to her husband and kids. As soon as she remembers she's Trinity, she just turns on them like a switch was flipped.

After a motorcycle chase, Neo and Trinity make their way to the roof of a building where they get attacked by two helicopters. Neo uses his Force powers to steer a rocket fired by one of the helicopters into the other and blows it up, then the other one just kind of disappears.

Since the movie decided to just ignore the presence of the other helicopter, Neo and Trinity are able to have their big emotional moment during the dramatic sunset, but then some army guys show up, so they jump off the roof.

Or sunrise. Whatever the fuck it was.

But it turns out Trinity can fly now for some reason (Neo couldn't remember how). The other helicopter comes back, but then nothing happens. Seriously, the helicopter just flies up to them, then it just cuts to them unplugging from the Matrix. Did a scene get deleted?

Some time later, Neo and Trinity show up at Bad Guy's office, and I guess he's alive again somehow. Trinity kills him but brings him back to life, they talk about how they're gonna rebuild the Matrix to their liking, then they fly away.

The movie ends with Neo and Trinity flying while that Rage Against the Machine song from the first movie plays, but it's a female rendition because GURL POWER or some shit, I don't know.

There's a post credits scene where Neo's coworkers from the game studio talk about how movies and video games are dead, and make some stupid pun about "The Catrix" because zoomers can relate to cat videos.

No, really, this is how the movie ends. I'm not joking.

I genuinely believe you have to be stupid to think The Matrix Resurrections is a good movie.

To give you an idea of how bland the cinematography is, the bulk of the movie consists of simple shot/reverse shot dialogue scenes, almost always with reverse key lighting, and for some reason, Neo is usually positioned on the left side facing right, like four-fifths of the time.

Please, don't try to argue that it's bad on purpose because it's supposed to be satirical or some dumb shit like that, because I don't buy it.

And even if that were true, it being bad on purpose doesn't excuse it. That actually makes it worse.