5pm. We dress up for the Christmas Eve dinner at our in-laws’. Anorak, mittens, wool hat, two masks.
5:30pm. Antigen test for all. Negative.
5:45pm. We take the elevator. The older kid sneezes. A chill down our fucking spine.
5:55pm. Another antigen test from our secret stash
5:30pm. Antigen test for all. Negative.
5:45pm. We take the elevator. The older kid sneezes. A chill down our fucking spine.
5:55pm. Another antigen test from our secret stash
We went to 27 pharmacies to gather them. Eat or be eaten.
Negative again
6:05. We made it to the car. This time, the older one coughs.
6:07. This time, antigens, eucalyptus, ivermectin, hydroxychloroquine, and an enema just in case.
He screams. He never does.
We google:
Negative again
6:05. We made it to the car. This time, the older one coughs.
6:07. This time, antigens, eucalyptus, ivermectin, hydroxychloroquine, and an enema just in case.
He screams. He never does.
We google:
“COVID symptoms scream humor change”.
We think he might have cancer.
But no COVID, so back to the car.
6:50. We make it to the in-laws’.
6:57. We open all the windows of the house.
7:09. We start eating.
7:14. 25 degrees F
7:30. We all sneeze.
We think he might have cancer.
But no COVID, so back to the car.
6:50. We make it to the in-laws’.
6:57. We open all the windows of the house.
7:09. We start eating.
7:14. 25 degrees F
7:30. We all sneeze.
7:36. All 14 of us take a test
7:38. Great uncle Dupree (104yo) shows some resistance: “I survived WW2, WW1, and the fucking Civil War without so much fuss”
7:46. It takes 5 of us, 2 just for the head, but we finally insert the swab in the nose. Both nostrils. That’ll teach him
7:38. Great uncle Dupree (104yo) shows some resistance: “I survived WW2, WW1, and the fucking Civil War without so much fuss”
7:46. It takes 5 of us, 2 just for the head, but we finally insert the swab in the nose. Both nostrils. That’ll teach him
Negative.
8:03. Dupree is still complaining about his nosebleed and something about snowflakes. Unclear if he’s talking about us or the snow coming through the windows.
8:06. We’re finishing the appetizers in Arctic sleeping bags from REI.
8:03. Dupree is still complaining about his nosebleed and something about snowflakes. Unclear if he’s talking about us or the snow coming through the windows.
8:06. We’re finishing the appetizers in Arctic sleeping bags from REI.
8:16. The entree is a roast beef smoothie. It was meant to be fully liquid so we could “eat” it with paper straws and our masks on.
The straws are breaking.
The masks are brown.
We can see the stains through the 2nd layer.
The straws are breaking.
The masks are brown.
We can see the stains through the 2nd layer.
8:23. Nephew Asher claims on TikTok he’s at the Everest Base Camp. His father freezes. When he warms up, he smites him. You can cut the tension with an ice axe.
8:33. Kids cry ice cubes.
8:41. Grand uncle Dupree blows up. He tears his clothes off, runs around closing windows:
8:33. Kids cry ice cubes.
8:41. Grand uncle Dupree blows up. He tears his clothes off, runs around closing windows:
“I’D RATHER DIE FROM COVID THAN LIVE ONE MORE FUCKING MINUTE LIKE SHEEPLE!”
8:47. We tackle Dupree.
He escapes.
He goes to the other secret stash, the one with rifles.
8:55. Police arrives.
8:57. The ambulance arrives.
9:22. The police finally subdues Dupree.
8:47. We tackle Dupree.
He escapes.
He goes to the other secret stash, the one with rifles.
8:55. Police arrives.
8:57. The ambulance arrives.
9:22. The police finally subdues Dupree.
9:24. Dupree gets a fine for not wearing a mask.
He asks to be arrested to spend the night in jail. “Better than with these crazies!”
9:29. The ambulance takes in 3 family members with frostbite. Asher is purple and pretty stiff.
He asks to be arrested to spend the night in jail. “Better than with these crazies!”
9:29. The ambulance takes in 3 family members with frostbite. Asher is purple and pretty stiff.
9:32. The rest of us finishes dinner. Antigens for all. Negative. We made it pretty unscathed.
We put back our crampons and walk out to the car.
We put back our crampons and walk out to the car.
• • •
Missing some Tweet in this thread? You can try to
force a refresh
