Thread by @pptsapper

One bottle of champagne down

Now where's that pesky gin got to

Well well well well well well well

Well

I found the gin, so don't be worried. Yo, remember that time when the US almost took Canada in a snowstorm but didn't because of a lack of gin? Ok, well not that, but gin probably would've helped.

So it's 1775, like it often is in my stories. Convenient that way. Here's the sitch, frens. Shit is Poppin all the fuckin way off around these here colonies. Like. Poppin. Off. There's all this talk of liberty and shit and someone's like, "yo, do you think Canada wanna join?"

The Continental Congress goes to ol Georgie thicc thighs Washington and is all "we got that Canada lust" and GTTW is all "I feel ya" and sends off general Richie Montgomery, an Irish born former British officer, to push up that Champlain valley to schwack Montreal

Montgomery, he gets all hung the fuck up besieging St Jean and other shit, while telling all the quebecois that they're totally better off in this patriot thing. And the quebecois are totes about pissing off the Brits but aren't sure about these bostonais

So ol Georgie gives permission to some Connecticut merchant called Benedict Arnold to run off thru the Maine wilderness to try to get into Quebec's back door

Hahahahahaha back door

Anyways. That plan goes to SHIT because of weather and terrain and, well, shit

Monty finally busts thru St Jean and takes Montreal with his half starved and naked force and is like "ok Continental Congress, these people are confusing, can you send someone here to do the politics so I can fight a war" and the CC is all "no, do it all, k thx bai"

So Montgomery tries to do it all and makes a bunch of promises which Montreal isn't super sure about and he gets some help but not as much as he hopes for. Meanwhile, general guy Carlton, royal governor, narrowly avoids capture and sneaks his ass back into Quebec from Montreal

Carlton gets into Quebec and finds like five old ladies, a cat, a few regulars, some angry scots, and some sailors. So, needless to say, he's super optimistic that he can hold this walled sonofabitch against whatever weird stuff the Yankees bring against it

But ol dude wasn't betting on the 500 starving bedraggled fuckin weirdos who emerge from the Maine woods with benny Arnold and Daniel "fuck right off" Morgan. Like, shit, these dudes are basically skeletons but also operational af and cross the st Lawrence start the mf siege

Montgomery shows up in December with another like 800 dudes and some clothing other than rags which is super dope. So Monty and Benny r tryna figure a way into Quebec because they don't have the gunpowder or math for a siege. Gotta have math for a siege. That's just the law

It's like Christmas and whatever and the Americans are all ready to attack before the smallpox sets in because you know it's gonna, it's the 1700s, that's what happens. But the weather doesn't work out. What Monty wants is a damn good storm. To get that obscuration on lock

And you, a rational, sober person are like, ASO, why can't they wait till spring when it's not, you know GODDAM WINTER AND SHIT because Canada is like north Americas Russia or something and don't start a land war on the st Lawrence or whatever

Well, thereS a big old PROBLEM

That problem is that the Continental Army's enlistments all run out on Jan 1, 1776 and everyone turns into a pumpkin and as we all know, pumpkins can't fight unless it's the great pumpkin or whatever

So Monty and Benny gotta move fast. Weather happens on Dec 31. Much weather

They get their snowstorm which is cool coz now everyone can attack under cover. Monty leads a column to hit Quebec city from the south, Benny and wild man Morgan from the north, while some folks stay in the center and make a lotta noise to try to fool guy

Guy doesn't fool

All the bells ring in Quebec city as the Americans start shooting guns and then the roosters crow and there's a lotta noise, whatever. But Benny and his boys bust thru the north gate and are in the city and there's some wicked hahd fightin there, son

Then Monty and his bois come running round from the south, bust thru a gate, and then Monty loses his head

Literally

Along with most of the rest of himself, due to a cannon blast. That'll do that to ya.

The column, now under the command of a Colonel, says "deuces" and drops outta the fight. Carleton suddenly realizes he can concentrate all his boom boom on one spot and sends his troops to confront the Virginians and Pennsylvanians making a ruckus in the lower town

Morgan gets his self captured and Benny gets wounded and it's cold and the defenders are housed on Molson and fortified with Timmy Hortons and there's not a dunks for a hundred miles and the attack, well

It kinda slows down into a defeat

And that's how we were one cannon shot away from Canada becoming the land of Dunkin donuts and Budweiser

Perish the thought. We need our weird friends up north to be, well, our weird friends up north

As it's just about midnight, here's a toast to our Canadian friends

Thanks for being pals, eh

And sorry for invading you all those times...

This has been your #drunjhistory for 2021

Be kind to each other

Pet some animals

Y'all wonderful