Discover and read the best of Twitter Threads about #drunjhistory
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Ok, so, like, it's #NationalMedalOfHonorDay so you just know I gotta toss back 1 or 2 or 5 or whatever drinks and talk bout one of my favorite medal of honor recipients everrrrrrr
But I'm not gonna tell you who it is right off because suspense or whatever
But I'm not gonna tell you who it is right off because suspense or whatever
So it's like May of 1863 and the American civil war is lit tf up. Like, battles. Everywhere. As many prominent historians have said. Let's look at ol Virginia and that continued campaign to take Richmond because misplaced centers of gravity but whatevs
The Army of the Potomac has just come out of some seriously shitty times. Like, first getting fed into the woodchipper at Fredericksburg, then marching through the frozen mud and then marching BACK thru the frozen mud, all for a dude who did NOT want the job of CG
One bottle of champagne down
Now where's that pesky gin got to
Now where's that pesky gin got to
Well well well well well well well
Well
I found the gin, so don't be worried. Yo, remember that time when the US almost took Canada in a snowstorm but didn't because of a lack of gin? Ok, well not that, but gin probably would've helped.
Well
I found the gin, so don't be worried. Yo, remember that time when the US almost took Canada in a snowstorm but didn't because of a lack of gin? Ok, well not that, but gin probably would've helped.
So it's 1775, like it often is in my stories. Convenient that way. Here's the sitch, frens. Shit is Poppin all the fuckin way off around these here colonies. Like. Poppin. Off. There's all this talk of liberty and shit and someone's like, "yo, do you think Canada wanna join?"
ok so i know it's been a hot minute since i yeeted this meme into the internet but i've only just now had enough bourbon to explain it in its full glory
right, so this whole story revolves around my dude clarence ransom edwards from the great STATE OF OHIO. Born in the Land of Cleve, he's a bit of an irascible SOB, so I guess that's why he runs of to West Point to do whatever it is that they do there to make ossifers
My boi doesn't go great at the point of west. Like, not great at all. Fully last in his class. And not gonna lie, kinda respect him for that
the reason? Dude has a tongue sharper than a razor and isn't cray about the rules. Which yeah, would make time at WP pretty tough
the reason? Dude has a tongue sharper than a razor and isn't cray about the rules. Which yeah, would make time at WP pretty tough
Hey. Hey
You know, sometimes, when I'm sad, I think about how a fighting quaker logistician from Rhode Island totally skunked an entire British army
And then, much like Julie Andrews & her favorite things,I don't feel so sad
Get in, fools, we're taking a history drunkscursion
You know, sometimes, when I'm sad, I think about how a fighting quaker logistician from Rhode Island totally skunked an entire British army
And then, much like Julie Andrews & her favorite things,I don't feel so sad
Get in, fools, we're taking a history drunkscursion
Look, ya gotta realize that this story, like all good ones, begins with a villain. And that villain is Horatio Gates, one of the most over-promoted officers of all time whose claim to fame is being in charge of a battle which he refused to direct. By doing nothing he was promoted
Oh, uh, yeah, we're in the American Revolution, forgot to throw that one out there. So here's the sitch. It's 1780 and Gates has just colossally forked up the entire southern theater, basically throwing away every advantage to get a big old L on the books at Camden
Happy birthday to this king, the Rock of Chickamauga, the Hammer of Nashville: George H Thomas. Born in Virginia, he remained loyal to the US and never received the proper recognition he deserves as superb combat leader in the history of the US Army 
Well we'll well if it isn't the consequences of my own gin catching up to me
So I've had a *few* drinks, and I realized, you're probably like "what's the hammer of Nashville shit, was Thomas some sort of carpenter?" Well, not EXACTLY
Hearken, my children, to my tale
So I've had a *few* drinks, and I realized, you're probably like "what's the hammer of Nashville shit, was Thomas some sort of carpenter?" Well, not EXACTLY
Hearken, my children, to my tale
You might call this a story of fire and ice. this all begins when Sherman takes Atlanta. There's the fire part. Now the rebs send John Bell "I like big frontal attacks and I cannot lie" Hood to go counter Uncle Billy. He decides to run north to take out the US supply line
Judging from the sounds outside, the neighborhood kids are playing "how many roman candles before we lose a finger" and so I therefore deduce it's July 4
And since it's July 4, I've had some gin, and do you have a moment to talk about the Gibraltar of the West?
Of course you do
And since it's July 4, I've had some gin, and do you have a moment to talk about the Gibraltar of the West?
Of course you do
Look, basic rule of thumb. Unless you're actual no shit Gibraltar, don't call yourself the "Gibraltar of X" it's never a good portent. Ticonderoga, Gibraltar of the north, falls in 1777. Crown Point, Gibraltar of the Hudson, falls in 1779. The trends don't lie
But I'm getting ahead of myself, which is to be expected because alcohol and history. Mixing the two has been known to cause problems, but we're just gonna surge right thru that
We begin with the Mississippi river. It's a bigass river. Like. Big. Ass.
We begin with the Mississippi river. It's a bigass river. Like. Big. Ass.
Ya know, there's birthday drunk and then there's engineer birthday drunk
Engineer birthday drunk is like birthday drunk except you really want to set off some demo
Engineer birthday drunk is like birthday drunk except you really want to set off some demo
Goddammitall, I'm trying to tell a story here, so shuttup and siddown. Unruly pack of walruses. Ok. So. I got my gin. I got a rudimentary and tenuous grasp on some historical facts that may or may not be changing in my head. And we've got a day ending in y for #drunjhistory
Ok so it's 1779. No, not right NOW, but, like, sometime. There was once a time when it was that date. And that's what's important here for this story.
The RevWar is four years old at this point - like all good toddlers, its got an attitude, it doesn't wanna sleep, & it's noisy
The RevWar is four years old at this point - like all good toddlers, its got an attitude, it doesn't wanna sleep, & it's noisy
I'm 3 gins in and so I therefore assume that you all want to hear about the time that the president of the united states got so annoyed with the lack of action from his commanding general that he planned & executed his own amphibious invasion?
Bc yolo, I guess
#drunjhistory
Bc yolo, I guess
#drunjhistory
So, it's May, 1862, and ol Abe Lincoln is on his way to go see his asspain of a general, George McClellan, who with his enormous army is INCHING his way up the VA Peninsula so cautiously that anyone with logs painted as cannons could stop him
As they repeatedly did
As they repeatedly did
Lincoln, ol beardy buckeye Sec War Stanton, Salmon "I'm not a fuckin fish" Chase, and Gen Egbert Ludovicus Viele, who I assume was there because they needed an engineer with a batshit insane name, well, they're all en route to Fort Monroe, a big ass fort on the VA Peninsula
Look, it's April 17, and that means we drink for Rear Admiral David Dixon Porter, ok
I don't make the rules, I just enforce em
Now, you might ask WHY we do such a thing, and I say, we drink for DDP because OTD in '63, the Rebs in Vicksburg, MS had a VERY BAD MORNING INDEED
I don't make the rules, I just enforce em
Now, you might ask WHY we do such a thing, and I say, we drink for DDP because OTD in '63, the Rebs in Vicksburg, MS had a VERY BAD MORNING INDEED
First up, an apology to the US Navy because an Army guy is gonna talk navy stuff. But only a small apology. Because reasons. With that out of the way:
D Squared Porter. What a dude. Weren't allowed to be in his family unless you were a naval hero. Straight up.
D Squared Porter. What a dude. Weren't allowed to be in his family unless you were a naval hero. Straight up.
Like, to the point of his dad, Commodore David Porter, adopting a kid named James whose mom had died and that kids changes his name to David, too, joins the Navy and becomes the first full admiral in US Navy history
David motherflippin damn your torpedoes Farragut
David motherflippin damn your torpedoes Farragut
I need gin
A memoir of ASO
A memoir of ASO
Official Army accounts whenever I mention gin:
Hello, yes, ASO here, I'd like to order some more gin
Wait is this not the gin window
There should totally be such a thing as a gin window.
Anyways while I've got you here
DO YOU HAVE A MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT OUR FAVORITE ASSCLOWN, GEORGE BRINTON MCCLELLAN
#drunjhistory
Wait is this not the gin window
There should totally be such a thing as a gin window.
Anyways while I've got you here
DO YOU HAVE A MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT OUR FAVORITE ASSCLOWN, GEORGE BRINTON MCCLELLAN
#drunjhistory
Hey there. It's Friday night. The gin is flowing like...gin. or water, they're both liquids, they flow, it's a thing.
More importantly, who wants to hear about an insane guy from New Hampshire who helped win the American Revolution?
Yes, it's time for some #drunjhistory
More importantly, who wants to hear about an insane guy from New Hampshire who helped win the American Revolution?
Yes, it's time for some #drunjhistory
Ok, this all starts, as most stories do, with a baby being born to some people who were from some part of the British Empire because holy shit did those people like to colonize. John Stark was born in Londonderry, NH in 1828 to parents from Londonderry, Ireland, bc of course
You might be wondering what a New Hampshire is. Well, it aint old hampshire, that's for sure. It's like, almost Canada, but not. It's sorta like Vermont but more granite-y and flintier or something. There's lots of snow and taciturnity. And primaries. And Manchester is gross
Yo yo yo yo
Yooooooooooooo
So, I've had 2 French 75s and I have some STORIES to tell
So gather round, ye rapscallions of the internets for a special edition of #drunjhistory
It took me wayyyyyy to long to type that so you KNOW it gon be good
IT'S QUASI WAR TIME, Y'ALL
Yooooooooooooo
So, I've had 2 French 75s and I have some STORIES to tell
So gather round, ye rapscallions of the internets for a special edition of #drunjhistory
It took me wayyyyyy to long to type that so you KNOW it gon be good
IT'S QUASI WAR TIME, Y'ALL
Once upon a a time etc etc it was 1778 and The US an France were bestest frennnnnns. They had this whole treaty of alliance and crap. Cause France agreed to fight till we got Independence and we agreed to fight until
Hold up
We interrupt this for a damn adorable cat message
Hold up
We interrupt this for a damn adorable cat message
Anyways uhhhh we agreed to keep fighting until such time as the French got their war aims and the French said they'd keep fighting as long as Spain got Gibraltar back or whatever and let's be honest, no one believes that would happen but hey, it's all about good feelings, right?
I have wine
Stew is simmering
I'd say y'all might get some drunj history but as you can see, getting a refill is gonna be a problem
She's purring SO loudly
Stew is simmering
I'd say y'all might get some drunj history but as you can see, getting a refill is gonna be a problem
She's purring SO loudly
Okay, I got refills
She's relocated her base which means that I'VE GOT TIME AND SPACE FOR DRUNJING
Ok ok ok. Lessee...
OH
HEY
LET'S TALK BOUT THAT CRACKER LINE AT CHATTANOOGA
She's relocated her base which means that I'VE GOT TIME AND SPACE FOR DRUNJING
Ok ok ok. Lessee...
OH
HEY
LET'S TALK BOUT THAT CRACKER LINE AT CHATTANOOGA
And you're like ugh, no, that sounds like grocery shopping
FINE
Lemme rephrase that
Who wants to talk bout how that dude who they named a fort after that got horny on Twitter got his ass kicked
YES I KNOW THE GRAMMAR BROKE DOWN, YOU'LL GET OVER IT
FINE
Lemme rephrase that
Who wants to talk bout how that dude who they named a fort after that got horny on Twitter got his ass kicked
YES I KNOW THE GRAMMAR BROKE DOWN, YOU'LL GET OVER IT
Well, well, well, what have we here. A disheartened populace and a bottle of gin. Just like..
17fuckin81 and it's time for some goddam yorktown and hell, I dunno, maybe even some Daniel Morgan doing some crazy ass double envelopment shit along the way
It's THURSDAY, people
17fuckin81 and it's time for some goddam yorktown and hell, I dunno, maybe even some Daniel Morgan doing some crazy ass double envelopment shit along the way
It's THURSDAY, people
Ok, so - 1779 in NY and it's like the goddamned holland tunnel - gridlocked like a mothafucka. Henry Clinton can't get out, G. Washington can't get in. You got Lord Germain in London all anxious for someone to do something
So the Brits run off and take savannah GA
So the Brits run off and take savannah GA
Now, this might seem ass backwards, but the Brits have this idea that MAYBE there's all these magical loyalists in the south who r gonna materialize put of thin air once the Redcoats march in so they go ALL IN on the dirty south
Poor Cas Pulaski gonna die outside Savannah
Poor Cas Pulaski gonna die outside Savannah
Ginnnnnnnnñnnnnnm
Yo
You
You look like you've had a goddam hard week
Have ya ever heard about this dude
He had a mustache
And spoke seven languages
And had this fuckin weird ass affinity for bayonets
Oh yes
I'm talking about THAT professor
Joshua "bayonets" Chamberlain
Yo
You
You look like you've had a goddam hard week
Have ya ever heard about this dude
He had a mustache
And spoke seven languages
And had this fuckin weird ass affinity for bayonets
Oh yes
I'm talking about THAT professor
Joshua "bayonets" Chamberlain
Joshua Lawrence Mustache Bayonets Chamberlain was born on September 8, 1828 in Brewah, Maine, bub, which is just next to Bangor NOT BANGER that's something you have with mash or something a daddy and mommy do when they love each other VERY MUCH thank you very much
Joshy was the eldest of five kids, a pretty small ass family for the time. His dad wanted him to go into the military which was IRONIC AF considering that HIS DAD underwent court martial for running the fuck away during the War of 1812. Maybe the old guy wanted redemption
Aw shit son. I almost forgot but @USArmyCMH reminded me. It's the anniversary of the start of the Peninsula Campaign
Whaaaaaat you tellin me you never heard about that time that George B McClellan defeated hisself?
There have been own goals in history but this one is EPIC
Whaaaaaat you tellin me you never heard about that time that George B McClellan defeated hisself?
There have been own goals in history but this one is EPIC
Look, lets be real here. After first bull run, shit was NOT toight in the US Army
When George B shows up, he brings the noise AND the funk. Well, at least to admin and logistics and stuff. He makes this dope ass army called the Army of the Potomac because hey, we LOVE RIVERS
When George B shows up, he brings the noise AND the funk. Well, at least to admin and logistics and stuff. He makes this dope ass army called the Army of the Potomac because hey, we LOVE RIVERS
Naw, straight up, we in the Army love rivers. We name all our battles after them. And campaigns. Bull Run? Issa creek. Aisne-Marne? TWO rivers. That one got some planner wicked excited in his army issued underpants area, you know it.
Anyhoo... Digressing
Anyhoo... Digressing
Hei there do you have a quick moment to talk about the battle of Antietam?
I know we're doing social distancing but ya wanna know the secret to social distancing? Double canister. It distances ERRYTHING
So hello, yes, I'm gin and I'd like to tell you about an important history
I know we're doing social distancing but ya wanna know the secret to social distancing? Double canister. It distances ERRYTHING
So hello, yes, I'm gin and I'd like to tell you about an important history
I mean goddam right, who doesn't love a complete boondoggle on the Potomac, even though there was NO BOON and even LESS DOGGLE
but I digresssss
It's 1862
September if anyone is counting. And they should be.
Shit has not been awesome for the US of A this year
but I digresssss
It's 1862
September if anyone is counting. And they should be.
Shit has not been awesome for the US of A this year
Like, first off, you got our Potomac Army boys getting within bell ringing distance of Richmond (it's a measurement, don't look it up, who ya gonna believe, me or the internet) before Little Mac realizes he left the brownies in the oven and hightails it back down the peninsula
Well that's just unfuckingceptable
We should probably do something to change that, huh
We should probably do something to change that, huh
So the year was 1777. Envision it in your minds eye. Yeah. You see it now. I can feel that you do. Its super 18th century. So here's the sitch
Ya got Gentleman "goddam do I love my champagne" Jonny Burgoyne up Lake Champlain with some good ideas. The best ideas. He has them
Ya got Gentleman "goddam do I love my champagne" Jonny Burgoyne up Lake Champlain with some good ideas. The best ideas. He has them
Now Jonny, he loves his champers. But even more, he loves his idea of heading down Lake Champlain and seizing Albany while a force under general Clinton - chill out, GOPers, there was a general Clinton for each side - cruises on up the Hudson from NYC to split shit in TWAIN
yes
yes
It's a pho and gin night
AWWWWW SHEEEEIIIT
ya know what happened today in 17fucking76?
Harry "YEAH, I've got GIRTH, Biznatch" Knox arrives in Cambridge Mass outside Boston with his NOBLE ASS TRAIN OF ARTILLLLERYYYYYYYY
Oh yessss
The siege of Boston bout to get LIT yalllllllllll
ya know what happened today in 17fucking76?
Harry "YEAH, I've got GIRTH, Biznatch" Knox arrives in Cambridge Mass outside Boston with his NOBLE ASS TRAIN OF ARTILLLLERYYYYYYYY
Oh yessss
The siege of Boston bout to get LIT yalllllllllll
This goes out to all my Massholes out there - much love, ya wicked fuckahs
Now. Let's set the mood. It's 1776. A WHOLE BRAND NEW YEAR TO KICK BRIT ASS, IS WHAT
And GW is sitting outside Boston moping because while he's got the Brits trapped, he can't reach out & touch them
Now. Let's set the mood. It's 1776. A WHOLE BRAND NEW YEAR TO KICK BRIT ASS, IS WHAT
And GW is sitting outside Boston moping because while he's got the Brits trapped, he can't reach out & touch them
Sweet hell in a hand basket, what a day
There's a distinct possibility that y'all are gonna get hit with some drunk Navy history this evening
There's a distinct possibility that y'all are gonna get hit with some drunk Navy history this evening
Welp. So. Hey there. Have had some @haymansgin, Navy Strength of course. Look. You seem sad. Lemme cheer you up
You ever hear bout that one time. That one time these guys like did this thing. With boats. Dammit. Capturing a boat. This isn't beginning well. ITS DECATUR, DAMMIT
You ever hear bout that one time. That one time these guys like did this thing. With boats. Dammit. Capturing a boat. This isn't beginning well. ITS DECATUR, DAMMIT
Ok so it's 18fuckin03, and the US Navy consists of like two ships and a bucket. With a hole in it. Okay, maybe not that bad, but it ain't great. But hey, there are these pirate dudes. Like, all up in our shit. And we can't trade for shit in the Med because PIRATES DUDE
Psst. Hey. Kids. Wanna learn about this bitchin battle where a rag tag group of Continentals take on a dude called Gentleman Jonny and a buncha German mercs in upstate NY?
Obvs you do. Who wouldn't?
Yeah, that's right. It's #drunjhistory time
Soon-ish
Obvs you do. Who wouldn't?
Yeah, that's right. It's #drunjhistory time
Soon-ish
Ok. So. It's like 1777. Cool year. We just declared Independence and all that but we kinda are having a hard time backing that shit up
Heh
Anyways. Things aren't looking great. We've got troops errywhere and we're like "where those perfidious albionites gonna come from next"
Heh
Anyways. Things aren't looking great. We've got troops errywhere and we're like "where those perfidious albionites gonna come from next"
The Brits are poised - oh yes, I'm cogent enough to say poised - to attack from anywhere from Philly to NYC to literally anywhere along Lake Champlain.
Wait. Hold up. I'm being a bad officer. I gotta define the AO and AOI. 5 points from Hufflepuff.
Wait. Hold up. I'm being a bad officer. I gotta define the AO and AOI. 5 points from Hufflepuff.
It's Friday damn night and I've had some wine and I've had some gin, and you know, I've got to thinking
Like
Ethan Allen. How did a dude who was basically a crazed religious land pirate get remembered as this upstanding father of the American revolution?
Obvs I'm gonna tell yu
Like
Ethan Allen. How did a dude who was basically a crazed religious land pirate get remembered as this upstanding father of the American revolution?
Obvs I'm gonna tell yu
Ok, so whaddwe know about good ol Ethan. We know he does shit in Vermont. He's got Green Mountain Boys. There's some fort Ticonderoga. And then...well, not much past that. Which is good because land pirrate.
Like, it doesn't start out good for him. He's born on Connecticut. Bad
Like, it doesn't start out good for him. He's born on Connecticut. Bad
I mean, IN CONNECTICUT, although also possibly on. I dunno, I wasn't there. That's the problem with the history shit. Ok. Um. Yes. Ethan's dad is SUPER DUPER religious. He gets borned just around the time when everyone's been having Great Awakenings and shit. Puritans gone wild
GATHER ROUND CHILDREN I have story to tell. I've dug into the gin and I've got a few things I wanna talk about
Namely. That one time in 1775 that Benny Arnold decided that he was totes gonna take Canada. By walking through the GODDAM BACKWOODS OF MAINE
thread obvs
#drunjhistory
Namely. That one time in 1775 that Benny Arnold decided that he was totes gonna take Canada. By walking through the GODDAM BACKWOODS OF MAINE
thread obvs
#drunjhistory
Ok. So. This one time, in 1775, there was this thing. Called like, a revolution or something. Shit went down at Lexington. Major shit went down at Concord. And then on June 17, some colossal shit went down on Breeds Hill. You're tracking, right?
Shit. Going. Down.
Shit. Going. Down.
This whole goddam thing is popping off and the Continental Congress starts forming up and they wave their magic founding father wands and make an Army outta thin air and give it to George "I fucked up at Fort Neccesity" Washington. Georgie runs off to Boston to meet his army
Oh hotdamn, y'all. Know what today is? Another bleeding war no one knows about because no one died in it but hey, it's a damn fuckin war and so we gotta chat bout this shit, ok?
So, it's 1839 and all, and 19yo Maine is all adolescent and wants to declare war on Canada
Yup yup
So, it's 1839 and all, and 19yo Maine is all adolescent and wants to declare war on Canada
Yup yup
Right. So. Remember the War of 1812? That was a thing, you know. Like, a thing. And then there was the treaty of Ghent which was supposed to solve all the shit that the Treaty of Paris on 1783 hadnt been able to workout, prolly cause John Jay was lit af. But it didn't.
Well, it did solve some of the stuff but it couldn't really figger out that whole border between New Brunswick and Massachusetts. Britain thought the border went way lower, the US thought it went way higher. Predictably, everyone moves into the space in between. Figures
