Thread by @sterling_penny

I’m having a hard time processing this. I have been, on numerous occasions, very close to fainting *and just ignored it.*
I have such poor communication skills with my body and I am certain it comes from having a father who considered acknowledging pain to be a feminine trait.

https://twitter.com/sterling_penny/status/1477669487398854660

This was a man who had a finger chopped off and was back at work 2 hours later.
Who used to climb into machines carrying molten glass around to make adjustments on the fly.
Who ignored chest pain because he wanted to play a pickup game of volleyball at 52 and died.

I keep on trying to put that sad man’s toxic view of masculinity as far away from me as possible but goddamned if it hasn’t popped up yet again.
How many disasters have I missed out of pure bullshit luck because I couldn’t connect losing vision with losing consciousness?

I’m always being asked by docs if a medication or treatment is making me feel better or if I notice a change and I’m like “…I guess so? Maaaybe?”
I have known for a while that I have a very binary view of emotion:
If I’m being screamed at, things are bad.
No screams? Not bad.

I had an employer tell me “your behavior and performance is entirely unacceptable” and I was like “ok.”
Why? Because they weren’t screaming at me.
Now I see that same binary in my physicality.
No blood? No problem. Nothing broken? Carry that weight.
Seeing black? Sunglasses off.

Part of me is grateful that I’m seeing this pattern for the toxic behavior that it is.
And I’m grateful that I dodged all the bullets so far.
I’m just tired of finding more shit to unlearn.