Thread by @delaneykingrox

Queen Amidala! I am Qui Gon and this is Obi Wan, we are here to warn you about the invasion.

*padme looks around and back to Qui Gon.*

Thanks?

The only way we could communicate with you was to board the invasion itself.

-oh plus we had to split up so we were less likely to be detected.

-doesn't that double the odds of being detected?

-they don't teach maths to younglings your majesty.

- so they don't know you are here?

- well they did know we were aboard their ship. We killed a LOT of their troops on their command ship.

- you were on the command ship?

-yes, just outside the command room.

-and you decided to...

-warn you. Yes.

[Padme look intensifies]

-we need to get aboard their command ship and destroy it, to stop the robots.

-the ship you were just on?

-yes.

-it broadcasts to all the robots.

-it can broadcast? I thought it was jamming them.

-THEY GASSED US

-oh, and he had to fly through the planet core. In a bongo.

*Padme look*

- and there were big fish. Huge fish. Then bigger fish.

- can someone gas me?

-your majesty, we need to get you off the planet.

-you said it was blockaded.

-yes.

-so how do we get past it?

-fly straight at it.

-uh huh.

(Meanwhile)

-okay so lets get this right, we are invading a planet.

-butta you forgorta youra racist asian haccent.

-no, I am not doing that. I just need to get this plan correct. We invade Naboo. Right?

-das a right.

-yeah, stop that.

-so we are invading by blockading them. Then jamming them. Then sending down our invading force. Right?

-das right.

- and landing on the opposite side of the planet?

-yesa. Das right.

- completely the opposite side.

-yesa

- okay. So, my question is why?

- whata you ha mean.

- our ships have to broadcast to our droids, why do it on this side.

-sneak attacka?

-from the hundreds of ships circling the planet?

-yesa.

(Meanwhile)

-Finally we will have our revenge on the Jedi.

-heheheheheh.

-how?

-by getting me elected TO THE SENATE!

-I don't get it. How does that...

-and then VOTE OUT THE ARCH CHANCELLOR! HAHAHAHAHA

- but how does that...

-then revealing a huge clone army I paid for many years ago! To fight against the army I helped raise by the instigating chaos and manipulating the trade federation Hahahaha! AHAHAHAHA

- So you have all the armies.

-ALL OF THEM.

- ...

- what is it, my apprentice?

- why don't you just blow up the jedi council? They can't detect you.

- ahahahahhaa... hah..haha... fuck now you mention it...

(Later)

Jango, I want you to murder Senator Amidala

-sure thing cuz. Just gonna pop the bitch in the head, eh? Sweet as.

-no. No... you must hire another bounty hunter to put a pair of poisonous centipedes in her bed.

-oh, outsourcing? If I can just cut a hole in her glass and toss in a grenade, blow her the fuck up, hey?

-no, you tried that once. One bomb, and you fucked up Rose Byrne. Use space centipedes.

-hey whatever cuz.

- Oh hey, I know a cool shapeshifter, she can like pretend to be Amidala and vote inste...

-NO. USE HER TO PUT SPACE CENTIPEDES IN HER BED. hahahaha!

-okay, I just think it's sub optimal.

-SHE IS DOOMED!!! hahahahahhahahahahahahhahaa

-I missed that joke though.

(Later) oh hey cuz the mission went tits up- the two Jedi left Amidala, chased mu assasin and caught her. But I think we are sweet... cause I killed her.

-You killed Amidala!

-no, the assassin. But it's cool, she didn't get to say who hired her.

-what?

-but they saw me.

-the guards protecting her chased your assassin and left Amidala undefended?

-yep.

-and you went after the assassin?

-now you say it, I see it. I see where I went wrong. That's on me.

-so why are we trying to kill Amidala?

-oh, so she can vote me into power.

-as a ghost? Like a force ghost?

-no, if she dies the easily manipulated idiot votes.

-this is the senate you have to be more specific.

- balls.

(Later)
Okay Medical droids, report in.

-my patient lost all his limbs, some spine chunks, had massive burns from lava, his lungs are shot. So I replaced it all with cybernetics. He is all good.

-my patient gave birth to two perfectly healthy twins, but she was very, very sad

-died?

-died.

- well, to be expected. Next?

(Later)

-I need to hide Annakin Skywalker's children.

- good, that idea is.

-so gonna leave one with his uncle, not change his name and I am just gonna hang out nearby with a slightly different name.

- how we lost, surprise, it is not.

(Later)

-Annakin, I figured out how to force ghost just after I got a clean stomach wound that was cauterized instantly.

*they watch as the force ghost of Darth Maul's legs staggers past*

-he survived and you didn't?

-well, Annakin, I was really sad at the time.

-so what about Leia?

-oh, yeah Bail Organa is gonna take her.

-why split them up? Why not give them both to the Organas?

-if we split them up there is less chance they will be detected.

-you Jedi really don't study math do you.

-the problem is where we hide the third twin.

I am Grand Muff Delaney King and I didn't get offered the job I applied for on Phantom Menace and I am not bitter about it at all. Not a pinch

Anyway, support my shitposting by buying me a blue milk here:

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