Thread by @doctorastralgia

💧 cancer scorpio pisces
🧠 {inside your person’s mind}:

❝ i want to reconnect with you so badly but i feel unworthy of doing so when i think about how i’ve treated you in the past. i still haven’t faced the music about so many things & i know that part can’t be skipped. ❞ {1}

❝ i’ve been living in some delusion where maybe we can skip that part? maybe you’ll do that endearing thing you always do where you reach out to me & pick up the pieces for us, even when i’m the one who made the mess? you always were the bigger hearted one of the 2 of us. ❞ {2}

❝ but you didn’t do that & i understand. this was a big screw up on my part, you wanted me to see how you have limits to how much you can bear. but, to suddenly cross paths with you after so long & see you be cordial & unfazed by the past wasn’t as rewarding as i thought. ❞ {3}

❝ i thought it would bring relief: i’d be able to get off the hook for addressing the chaos i created, get my wish of a slate wiped clean & would avoid any debrief where i admit any of my wrongdoing. see, i don’t like to admit being wrong, it makes me feel disempowered... ❞ {4}

❝ you’d think it’s my lucky break that i finally get to exchange some pleasantries & you behave like, well... nothing happened. but that’s the thing: you acted like NOTHING happened; not only the drama, but all of our love too. it’s like i’ve been demoted to acquaintance. ❞ {5}

❝ something about it stung; i never wanted to be erased or lose priority to you, but i feel that i have. i also didn’t expect the shame i’d still feel, despite you not pushing me to say sorry, talk about things, or express resentment. your nonchalance felt oddly hurtful. ❞ {6}

❝ the hurt comes from the fact that, i realized it didn’t feel good to be let off the hook. the shame & dark past i haven’t taken accountability for still lingers & your politeness feels awkward because i know i don’t deserve it. it’s triggered an immense guilt response. ❞ {7}

❝ it’s like i want you to be angry at me, give me a cold shoulder, cuss me out. i want your anger, i know i deserve it, so where is it? plus, your being cordial makes me wonder: have you stopped caring? are you so over it that you’re treating me like you would a passerby? ❞ {8}

❝ i guess it made me realize, it doesn’t feel good to sweep things under the rug & shirk accountability. it doesn’t feel good to be given your grace. it doesn’t feel good to be just be polite, it feels too distant when i’m still carrying SO much intense feeling for you... ❞ {9}

❝ it’s breaking my heart that my pride broke both of our hearts. i miss the closeness we had & but i also know i don’t deserve it. so, i have to do the very thing i’ve been avoiding: drop my ego, face the music, apologize & confess how much you’ve meant to me all along. ❞ {10}

🔮 take what resonates & leave what doesn’t. DO NOT force it! roles can be reversed, too.

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