Thread by @mipsytipsy

bodies have limits
bodies have limits
bodies have limits
bodies have limits
bodies have limits
bodies have limits
bodies have limits
bodies have limits
bodies have limits
bodies have limits
bodies have limits
bodies have limits
bodies have limits
bodies have limits
bodies have l

I was homeschooled, and escaped to college when I was 15. I was a seething mess of pent-up rage and ambition (and undiagnosed ADHD) who had never done any sort of formal schooling. I had no idea what I wanted to do other than ALL OF IT. RIGHT NOW.

You're supposed to register for 12-15 credits, so I promptly registered for 24 (plus I had a piano performance scholarship I was supposed to maintain).

I didn't have any family support, money, or ability to take out loans, so I signed up for three local minimum wage jobs.

I didn't know what a "study skill" was. I had never taken a test other than the ACTs. I was an unsocialized mess and a hedonism-seeking machine. In retrospect, the fact that everyone on campus knew I was underage probably kept me much safer,

but I didn't actually understand the ramifications of my being under 18. All I knew was that I got asked out on one date before school even started, and after that I became untouchable -- they really hammered the whole STATUTORY RAPE thing on campus.

Whatever. More time to work.

There obviously weren't enough hours in the day for me to do even a quarter of what I had signed myself up for, even if I had had any basic life skills, but that just made it even more intoxicating and exciting.

I went from living on a fundamentalist compound in rural Idaho to a life of freedom and infinite stimulation, literally overnight.

At some point my first semester, frustrated with the limits of time and space, I realized how many hours of the week were being 'wasted' on sleep.

I developed this perfectly reasonable plan to stay awake Monday through Friday, and sleep on the weekends. I drew up a 24x7 calendar for myself (new life skill) and packed it round the clock.

You might assume I had some smidge of self-awareness on some level that this was not a reasonable solution. I assure you I did not. I kept trying to 'tweak' my 'solution' for at least two years.

I think that's when my body learned to receive any sort of weariness as a stimulant, a battle to be fought and overcome. I couldn't motivate myself to study or do any sort of work without panicking about something or another, and here was a battle I could fight every day!

I got my ADHD diagnosis just a year or two ago, and so many memories about my weird weird life are still surfacing and beginning to make sense for the first time.

I have never had any kind of regular schedule unless I have a partner who keeps one and applies a certain amount of constant discipline and pressure on me, which is a pretty tall ask. 😕 It wears on the relationship, hard.

It's not just the visceral anti-bedtime kneejerk reaction, either. I get all my best ideas when I'm supposed to be going to bed. I have to be herded there like a sheep. Motivation is a tricky set of little imps to be managed, and this is when I motivate.

My career would be nothing if my output consisted of what I have achieved during normal working hours. Everything wonderful or amazing or exciting that I've ever done was on a hyperfocus trip late at night.

It's hard for me to motivate, but once it clicks, I don't want to do anything else until what I'm doing is done, whether that's one hour later or fifty hours later. I don't want to eat or sleep. I deeply resent the need for pee breaks. And it feels AMAZING. High on life.

It was like three years ago that @lizthegrey told me she and @quinnypig were talking about what a classic ADHD case I was, and I was like, "say what?"

It had never occurred to me that there might be some systemic underlying explanation for some of my less tameable behaviors.

Farm kids learn to be radically self-sufficient, anyway. You say attachment disorder, I say "eldest of 8" ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Asking for help never occurs to me. Other people's "help" usually feels like just one more set of problems for me to juggle.

I don't know where I'm going with this. It's been a trip learning about ADHD, working with a coach, and just sort of unpacking all the insane coping skills I've adopted along the way.

Understanding is the easy part. Reprogramming is the harder part.

I've gotten *so* much better about sleeping (almost) every night over the past two years. But when I'm under acute stress, I slip right back into "well I'll just close this gap this by staying up a night... and another night...."

It's seductive because it *usually* works. But over time, it collects debt. And the less sleep I've had, the crazier and less connected to reality I become. My judgment gets worse and worse.

The most reliable self-taming mechanism I have found is sticking reminders on all my screens that "If you don't sleep, you are going to be VERY EMBARRASSED by the quality of this work when you wake up." That usually gets me.

Which is what just happened to me an hour ago. The waking up and being embarrassed part. I didn't sleep for two nights, and surprise! I performed like shit!

Thanks for all the DMs, folks. I'm going back to bed now, I just wanted to get that off my chest. Will respond later <3