Thread by @mac_puck

Somewhere in a secure room, in a large building in Vauxhall Cross, a meeting recently took place. It went something like this:

"Stand up, M! Can't you see I am the Home Secretary!"

"Sorry, Home Secretary, I didn't see you behind the chairback... How can I help you?"

1/

"You've seen the news, M, the whole Government is topplin'; Johnson has blown it; this partyin' durin' lockdown is destroyin' us! We need a DISTRACTION!. I want the "special file", the "political file", I want the deadliest, darkest, dirtiest dirt you have on Labour."

2/

"Don't you want to holdvit back fir the next General Election, Home Sec? Like normal"

"No, dolt! We need it NOW! And it better be good!"

"Well... um... we have something on one of them, but he's a brexiter like you, Home Sec"

"Fuck him! Brexit got done"

3/

"And he's a nobody, Home Sec, a Corbynite, Starmer thinks he's the doorman..."

"He will have to do, M - give me the dirt. Everythin'"

"It's Barry Gardner, Home Sec..."

"He's a woman, transgendered into a man with a false beard! I knew it!"

"Er... no, Home Sec..."

4/

"No, he has been taking donations from a Chinese agent and he came to us to check her out, so we said 'keep taking donations and keep tabs on her for us... so he did"

"JESUS FUCKIN' WEPT M! Is that ALL you've got - on the whole FUCKIN' Labour party?"

"Sorry Home Sec..."

5/

"We have a whole room of files on Tory MP's; crooks, traitors, rapists, paedos, money launderers, drug fiends, arms dealers - we have the A to Z of depravity!"

"Don't make me fuckin'hurt you, M"

"Sorry Home Sec"

"I have squeezed more dirt from a blackhead, M..."

6/

"Never mind! It will have to do! I will give it to Laura Kuennsberg; she will make him look like Fred West!"

"One thing, Home Sec: it's an old story... the Times wrote it up 5 years ago... and the agent is connected to Cameron and May, too.... Sorry"

7/

"'Sorry'?'SORRY' I swear it, M, I'm goin' to fuckin' STAB you in a minute. ENOUGH! Never mind, never mind: it only has to keep Johnson's catastrofuck off the BBC news for a day or two, until Gray does her whitewash job."

"Ahh, M... one more thing: how do I become an 00?"

8/

"An 00, Home Sec? Umm 24 months with a gastric band?"

"AYIAHH! Dolt! Cretin! Find me an ash tray so I can throw it at your head!! I mean a licence to kill!"

"Ahhh. The um Home Secretary hands those out, Home Secretary"

Hmmm. Very interesting...

9/9