Thread by @MeaveofConnaugh

Cattle Raid of Cooley: episode 14. “Boys” said Fergus to the boys “sit down there and I’ll tell you about Cúchulainn, the lone Ulster warrior who is going to kill most of you”. The boys sat down “we’re dying to hear about him” said the boys #TainOnTwitter

Maeve’s army had reached the previously unnamed ford on the River Mattock, now known as the Ford of the Forked Branch. “It’s lovely here” they said as they sat down to hear about Cúchulainn #TainOnTwitter

“He wasn’t alway called Cúchulainn” said Fergus “when he was a gosson he was called Setanta”. He lived near Dundalk and decided to go to the Ulster capital at Emainn Macha. “Nothing strange there” said the boys. “He was 7 years old” said Fergus #TainOnTwitter

“At the capital he was attacked by 50 young Ulster lads” said Fergus. “Did they kill him” asked the boys excitedly. “No” replied Fergus “he bet the lard of of them & nearly killed everyone else as well - he was a tough little fellow”. “That’s lovely” said the boys #TainOnTwitter

“Let’s have a game of hurling” said the Ulster boys “one hundred and fifty of us against this young whippersnapper”. “Sounds fair” said the king. The game started and he bet the lard out of them again. “That’s a lovely story” agreed the Connaught army #TainOnTwitter

One day, the Ulster Smith, Culainn, decided to have a feast. He invited everyone including the king. “Setanta” said the king are you coming to the feast”. “I am” said the boy”but I want to finish this hurling match, I’ll follow you”. #TainOnTwitter

After Setanta had won the match by beating the lard out of the 150 boys on the opposing team, he headed off towards Slieve Gullion where the Ulster Smith was having his feast. #TainOnTwitter

On the mountain, the Smith, the king, warriors, nobles and lads were having a great time. “Is everyone here” asked someone. “Yes” said the king. “Are you sure”. “Certain”. “OK let out the hound”. “Is your hound dangerous?”. “Deadly” #TainOnTwitter

The hound jumped out. “By golly” said everyone “he is one shocking looking dog”. “How many teeth had he got?” “Is it true that he is a psychopath?” “He is, at least 40 and yes” replied the hound’s proud owner in response to the questions #TainOnTwitter

Meanwhile, the boy Setanta was making his way up the mountainside. He was dimly aware of the wild howling of the smith’s guard dog. He carried his hurling stick and ball. The hound spotted the approaching gosson. #TainOnTwitter

The ferocious hound let out a primeval howl. “Yahoooooo!”. I side the fort the feasting guests heard the howl. Too late, the king remembers the approaching boy. “Oh oh!” he said “how fast can your dog run”. “His father was a champion sprinter” replied the Smith #TainOnTwitter

The king and the warriors ran out onto the ramparts. They saw the boy. They saw the hound. The hound saw the boy. The boy saw the hound. “Howya”. “Don’t be saying howya to the hound” shouted everyone “he’s going to eat you”. #TainOnTwitter

The hound slobbered with delight and hunger and fury. The boy seemed oblivious to the danger. Everyone closed their eyes. “Oh dear” they thought. The yelping and barking was shocking. “The boy will be torn asunder” said everyone #TainOnTwitter

When everyone opened their eyes, they expected to see that the boy had been torn to bits. Everyone, except the hound and his owner, were pleasantly surprised to see that the boy was alive and the hound was torn to bits. “Wha?” Said everyone #TainOnTwitter

In an interview afterwards, the boy explained; “I was walking up the mountain when I was attacked by this fellow. Luckily I had my hurling stick and ball. I’m fairly good at hurling, so I pucked the ball down the his throat, thereby tearing his guts out”. #TainOnTwitter

The hounds owner, Culainn the Smith, arrived on the scene. “Would you look at the cut of my poor dog - what am I going to do now, this is shocking altogether, who’ll protect my fort now, oh, dear, oh dear!” Setanta stepped forward, Culainn stepped back #TainOnTwitter

“As I’ll probably be blamed for the death of your dog - although it’s unlikely that anyone will remember - I will guard your fort” said Setanta. Someone joked “you are now Culainn’s hound - in Irish Cu Chulainn”. “Ha ha” said everyone “that will never stick” #TainOnTwitter

The Connaught army, sitting by the Ford of the Forked Branch were impressed by the story of the hound. “Wow” they said “we are impressed”. “You are right to be impressed” said Fergus “tomorrow night I’ll tell you more” #TainOnTwitter

The boys in Maeve’s army thought that Fergus’ stories about Cúchulainn were great. “Is it true that he kills all his enemies?”. “Yes, no one survives”replies Fergus. “He sounds fabulous , we can’t wait to meet him” said the boys #TainOnTwitter