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Dreamweasel Profile picture
@Dreamweasel
Feb 2, 2022 • 11 tweets • 2 min read • Read on X
TRUMP: I solicited the Kremlin’s help to dig up dirt on HRC & I made promises to Putin that I never disclosed to the public & I fired Comey for investigating me and I really never cared if it was legal

MUELLER: Here is a 400-page summary of my findings; do with it what you will
TRUMP: I threatened Zelensky & I wanted my followers to stop the certification & I wanted Pence to overturn the election & I did everything within my power to interfere with Biden ever becoming President and I really never cared if it was legal

GARLAND: Well, don’t that beat all
TRUMP: Since nobody has held me accountable for anything I’m going to encourage my followers to take over election boards and I’ll promise to pardon anyone responsible for 1/6 and we’ll be ready and waiting to Stop the Next Steal because I still don’t care if any of this is legal
TRUMP: If anyone had wondered 10 years ago about the logistics of arresting a former President who attempted to incite an insurrection in broad daylight I imagine the general consensus is that they would be far less complicated than they are turning out to be in a practical sense
TRUMP: If my actions were cunning & deliberate, one might surmise my bluff would only be allowed to continue for as long as Democrats lack the political will to overcome the entire GOP apparatus that continues to bear-hug me like they’re rescuing an infant from a burning building
TRUMP: But the truth is that I have no cunning, no conscience, and simply blurt out whatever unfiltered thoughts pop into my head, come what may. The people who want to see me in power make excuses for whatever I just said, and that’s all I truly need to survive another day
TRUMP: Really, I see no reason I won’t be allowed to repeatedly say things like “I did mob crimes” on the teevee for the next two years and then claim the GOP nomination as if it were my birthright. For some reason, I never seem to face any negative consequences for anything I do
TRUMP: Remember the way Phil Hartman portrayed Ronald Reagan on SNL as a guy who was folksy to the public but calculatedly devious in private? That’s not me. I’m exactly like this all the time. There is no “off” button on my constant stream-of-consciousness bullshit
TRUMP: If there was one thing that Democrats & Republicans could unanimously agree on, it’s that the single worst thing I could do to myself would be to testify in court. I would incriminate myself 20 times in the first five minutes of testimony
TRUMP: So if you’re looking for reasons why the Democrats haven’t nailed me to the wall by now, I really don’t think “Trump is just too damned good at keeping secrets” would be anywhere near your list of Top Ten Finalists
TRUMP: The recent revelation that I was caught literally flushing confidential government paperwork down an actual White House toilet should only bolster the conclusion that I am the furthest thing from a sophisticated criminal mastermind

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More from @Dreamweasel

Dreamweasel Profile picture
Sep 2
TEN REASONS DONALD TRUMP MIGHT NOT GET INTO HEAVEN

10. Was supposed to dutifully follow the Ten Commandnents and avoid the Seven Deadly Sins; not vice versa

9. Still some debate among Biblical scholars as to which of our 45,000 sects of Christianity is actually the correct one
8. Has occasionally been known to wear garments with mixed fabrics and eat meat on Fridays

7. Elon Musk still working on that industrial-strength Cyberneedle with an eye big enough for a camel to fit through
6. St. Peter will probably just be insulted when Trump tries to slip him a C-note

5. Heaven not exactly overflowing with pathological liars and thieves who sexually assaulted multiple women
Read 6 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Aug 31
TEN THINGS FOX NEWS MIGHT POSSIBLY SAY ON THE BLESSED DAY WHEN IT FINALLY HAPPENS

10. As shocking and horrifying as it may sound, we have heard reports that Muslims are definitely celebrating in the streets of New Jersey
9. We have been assured that Melania Trump is wearing a red dress because red was her husband’s favorite color

8. Frankly, we’ve never seen so many Irish wakes spontaneously break out in our lives
7. This economic consequences of this tragic story are swift and immediate, as you can see from the empty shelves where most grocery stores would stock champagne

6. Is the Biden Crime Family responsible? We certainly cannot rule it out
Read 7 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Aug 10
TEN POSSIBLE DOWNSIDES OF DONALD TRUMP SHUFFLING OFF THIS MORTAL COIL AND LEAVING THIS WORLD FOREVER

A Thought Experiment

10. Presidential funeral will be a long, drawn-out media event that would likely pre-empt the season premiere of LAW AND ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT
9. Pallbearers might be at accelerated risk for hernias and lower back pain

8. The American people will be denied the satisfaction of sending him to prison for committing multiple obvious crimes in broad daylight
7. The wild revelry and nonstop celebration in the streets of every city in America might lead to some headaches and hangovers the next day
Read 7 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Aug 4
GOP, 2016: He’s not perfect, but I support the deeply uninformed racist and sexist pathological liar

GOP, 2018: He’s not perfect, but I support the deeply uninformed racist and sexist pathological liar who secretly met with the Kremlin
GOP, 2020: He’s not perfect, but I support the deeply uninformed racist and sexist pathological liar who secretly met with the Kremlin and let half a million people die in a pandemic
GOP, 2022: He’s not perfect, but I support the deeply uninformed racist and sexist pathological liar who secretly met with the Kremlin and let half a million people die in a pandemic and tried to overthrow the 2020 election
Read 6 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Jul 18
Spotted in the grocery store parking lot. I wonder how the owner knows? Image
TEN WAYS TO TELL THAT YOUR DOG IS A REPUBLICAN

10. Acts irrationally nervous around Haitian immigrants

9. Doesn’t appear terribly concerned about the long-term consequences of raising tariffs
8. Detects no obvious conflict of interest when a sitting U.S. President hawks merchandise from the White House lawn

7. Has, at best, only a dim memory of Donald Trump’s campaign promises to lower the price of groceries and end the war in Ukraine
Read 7 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Jul 8
REPUBLICANS DON’T CARE IF TRUMP DID IT

New blog post:
open.substack.com/pub/dreamwease…Image
I don’t know if the fabled flight logs to Jeffrey Epstein’s private island will ever revealed to the public.

But there one thing I can tell you: if Donald Trump’s name is on it, Republicans will be fine with it.
If more sordid details emerge, and it is revealed that Donald Trump did in fact have sex with underage girls while on Epstein’s private island, I absolutely guarantee that Republicans will be fine with it.

Does anybody seriously expect this to play out any differently?
Read 16 tweets

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