TRUMP: I solicited the Kremlin’s help to dig up dirt on HRC & I made promises to Putin that I never disclosed to the public & I fired Comey for investigating me and I really never cared if it was legal
MUELLER: Here is a 400-page summary of my findings; do with it what you will
TRUMP: I threatened Zelensky & I wanted my followers to stop the certification & I wanted Pence to overturn the election & I did everything within my power to interfere with Biden ever becoming President and I really never cared if it was legal
GARLAND: Well, don’t that beat all
TRUMP: Since nobody has held me accountable for anything I’m going to encourage my followers to take over election boards and I’ll promise to pardon anyone responsible for 1/6 and we’ll be ready and waiting to Stop the Next Steal because I still don’t care if any of this is legal
TRUMP: If anyone had wondered 10 years ago about the logistics of arresting a former President who attempted to incite an insurrection in broad daylight I imagine the general consensus is that they would be far less complicated than they are turning out to be in a practical sense
TRUMP: If my actions were cunning & deliberate, one might surmise my bluff would only be allowed to continue for as long as Democrats lack the political will to overcome the entire GOP apparatus that continues to bear-hug me like they’re rescuing an infant from a burning building
TRUMP: But the truth is that I have no cunning, no conscience, and simply blurt out whatever unfiltered thoughts pop into my head, come what may. The people who want to see me in power make excuses for whatever I just said, and that’s all I truly need to survive another day
TRUMP: Really, I see no reason I won’t be allowed to repeatedly say things like “I did mob crimes” on the teevee for the next two years and then claim the GOP nomination as if it were my birthright. For some reason, I never seem to face any negative consequences for anything I do
TRUMP: Remember the way Phil Hartman portrayed Ronald Reagan on SNL as a guy who was folksy to the public but calculatedly devious in private? That’s not me. I’m exactly like this all the time. There is no “off” button on my constant stream-of-consciousness bullshit
TRUMP: If there was one thing that Democrats & Republicans could unanimously agree on, it’s that the single worst thing I could do to myself would be to testify in court. I would incriminate myself 20 times in the first five minutes of testimony
TRUMP: So if you’re looking for reasons why the Democrats haven’t nailed me to the wall by now, I really don’t think “Trump is just too damned good at keeping secrets” would be anywhere near your list of Top Ten Finalists
TRUMP: The recent revelation that I was caught literally flushing confidential government paperwork down an actual White House toilet should only bolster the conclusion that I am the furthest thing from a sophisticated criminal mastermind
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👷🏻♂️: I am a desperate construction worker who was recently laid off from my job. So I’m sure you can all understand why I voted for the gloating vindictive high-school bully who truly hates immigrants
👩🏻🦰: I am a suburban homemaker with three children who is struggling with high grocery bills. Therefore, it made the most sense to go back to the racist conspiracy theorist who demands credit for everything good and never accepts responsibility for anything bad
👨🏼🏭: I am deeply concerned about the economy, so I had no choice but to vote for the pathological liar who was indicted for 88 felonies and convicted of 34 of them
👨💼: I am a loan officer whose wife left me after 13 years. For this, I blame the uppity feminists like Kamala Harris
TEN MORE WAYS TO MAKE SMALL TALK WITH YOUR TRUMP-SUPPORTING RELATIVES AT THANKSGIVING
10. Express relief that they were able to safely arrive at Thanksgiving dinner without being attacked by lawless migrants terrorizing the suburbs
9. Ask them to explain in their own words how raising tariffs on virtually all imported goods will lower prices and help the economy
8. Find out if they’re still pretending Trump isn’t going to use Project 2025 or if they’ve moved on to gloating about it
7. Ask them who they think will be the first member of the new administration to be thrown under the bus when our economy and international reputation land squarely in the toilet
TEN WAYS TO MAKE SMALL TALK WITH YOUR TRUMP-SUPPORTING RELATIVES AT THANKSGIVING
10. Ask them which appallingly offensive and insultingly unqualified member of Trump’s cabinet is their favorite
9. Try and get a sense of how they of all people thought they were more informed and intelligent than the scientists at the CDC
8. Ask them if there any downsides to being a callous and willfully ignorant person who glibly lies to themselves every day
7. While you’re watching the game, ask them whether they’d support an NFL player taking a knee during the national anthem to protest the unconscionable murder of Ashli Babbitt by Capitol police
TEN POTENTIAL SILVER LININGS OF A SECOND TRUMP ADMINISTRATION
10. Come January, the President of the United States will have nothing but great things to say about our economy
9. No more endless media speculation about whether Biden is too old or incoherent to lead the country
8. Police presence required to arrest & deport illegal immigrants may keep them too busy to attack nonviolent protesters
7. Several dozen of our most objectively terrible Republicans will no longer be our governors or Congressmen
6. It will be a gift to Americans who actively hoped to listen to Trump’s gravelly, self-satisfied and aggressively condescending vocal cadence for four more years
TEN POSSIBLE REASONS PEOPLE MAY NOT WISH TO SOCIALIZE WITH FAMILY MEMBERS WHO VOTED FOR TRUMP
10. They stubbornly choose to disregard the other allegedly admirable characterstics of people who also chose to inflict an incoherent authoritarian quasi-fascist on the rest of us
9. Clearly they are sheltered snowflakes who can’t handle simple differences of opinion as to whether roving gangs of Haitian migrants are eating house pets or whether women are choosing to slaughter babies after they are born
8. They doubtlessly have a vested interest in prisoners having gender-transition surgery on the taxpayer’s dime and are furious that Trump will put a stop to it
7. As surprising as it may sound, some people do not have an infinite tolerance for Whataboutism