Dreamweasel Profile picture
Feb 2, 2022 11 tweets 2 min read Read on X
TRUMP: I solicited the Kremlin’s help to dig up dirt on HRC & I made promises to Putin that I never disclosed to the public & I fired Comey for investigating me and I really never cared if it was legal

MUELLER: Here is a 400-page summary of my findings; do with it what you will
TRUMP: I threatened Zelensky & I wanted my followers to stop the certification & I wanted Pence to overturn the election & I did everything within my power to interfere with Biden ever becoming President and I really never cared if it was legal

GARLAND: Well, don’t that beat all
TRUMP: Since nobody has held me accountable for anything I’m going to encourage my followers to take over election boards and I’ll promise to pardon anyone responsible for 1/6 and we’ll be ready and waiting to Stop the Next Steal because I still don’t care if any of this is legal
TRUMP: If anyone had wondered 10 years ago about the logistics of arresting a former President who attempted to incite an insurrection in broad daylight I imagine the general consensus is that they would be far less complicated than they are turning out to be in a practical sense
TRUMP: If my actions were cunning & deliberate, one might surmise my bluff would only be allowed to continue for as long as Democrats lack the political will to overcome the entire GOP apparatus that continues to bear-hug me like they’re rescuing an infant from a burning building
TRUMP: But the truth is that I have no cunning, no conscience, and simply blurt out whatever unfiltered thoughts pop into my head, come what may. The people who want to see me in power make excuses for whatever I just said, and that’s all I truly need to survive another day
TRUMP: Really, I see no reason I won’t be allowed to repeatedly say things like “I did mob crimes” on the teevee for the next two years and then claim the GOP nomination as if it were my birthright. For some reason, I never seem to face any negative consequences for anything I do
TRUMP: Remember the way Phil Hartman portrayed Ronald Reagan on SNL as a guy who was folksy to the public but calculatedly devious in private? That’s not me. I’m exactly like this all the time. There is no “off” button on my constant stream-of-consciousness bullshit
TRUMP: If there was one thing that Democrats & Republicans could unanimously agree on, it’s that the single worst thing I could do to myself would be to testify in court. I would incriminate myself 20 times in the first five minutes of testimony
TRUMP: So if you’re looking for reasons why the Democrats haven’t nailed me to the wall by now, I really don’t think “Trump is just too damned good at keeping secrets” would be anywhere near your list of Top Ten Finalists
TRUMP: The recent revelation that I was caught literally flushing confidential government paperwork down an actual White House toilet should only bolster the conclusion that I am the furthest thing from a sophisticated criminal mastermind

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More from @Dreamweasel

Jun 26
P.O.P. QUIZ
(Political Orientation and Perception)
Summer 2025 Edition

New blog post:
open.substack.com/pub/dreamwease…Image
1. What are some recent examples of fascism?

🔵: Apprending migrants at will and deporting them without a trial, attacking the press, thumbing your nose at the judiciary and ignoring the Constitution

🔴: Pandemic-related emergency measures such as shutdowns and vaccinations
2. Killing 50,000 Palestinians in response to a single terrorist attack is

🔵: unconscionable and possibly genocidal
🔴: obvious self-defense

3. Dropping bombs on other counties before they can attack Israel is:

🔵: an act of aggression
🔴: obvious self-defense
Read 8 tweets
Jun 16
TEN LESSONS LEARNED FROM THE FAILURE OF DONALD TRUMP’S BIRTHDAY PARADE

10. This is what happens when you purge the Armed Forces of LGBT people

9. Threatening authoritarian control over multiple U.S. cities is probably not the most effective way to win friends
8. When organizing a parade of this magnitude, make sure that there are no other events competing for the public’s attention such as nationwide protests from the millions of Americans who hate your guts
7. If you’re going to demand a military parade in your honor, make sure you don’t accidentally forget that you dodged the draft sixty years earlier
Read 8 tweets
May 7
HONESTY IN MESSAGING

New blog post:
open.substack.com/pub/dreamwease…Image
ZELENSKYY: We need America’s support in protecting Ukraine from Russian aggression

TRUMP: I’m the President, So Fuck You

ZELENSKYY: Why are you being so antagonistic?

VANCE: Trump’s the President, So Fuck You

ZELENSKYY: That somehow went even worse than I expected
CARNEY: We look forward to welcoming you to the G7 summit. But I will gently yet firmly inform you that Canada is not for sale

TRUMP: I’m the President, So Fuck You

CARNEY: I had really hoped “gently but firmly” would be more effective

TRUMP: I’m the President, So Fuck You
Read 14 tweets
Apr 28
A PURELY HYPOTHETICAL SCENARIO

New blog post:
open.substack.com/pub/dreamwease…Image
TRUMP: I should be allowed to shoot Democrats

D: Jesus, the man’s a dangerous lunatic

R: He’s obviously trolling you! 🤣 And you fall for it every time

TRUMP: I’m just saying, the Democrats clearly want me dead, so I should be able to shoot them in self-defense
CNN: Democrats are becoming alarmed that Trump is advocating murder on purely partisan grounds

FOX: Once again, liberal snowflakes are taking Trump’s lighthearted one-liners way too seriously

NYT: Trump’s website is now selling hats that read I’D RATHER BE SHOOTING DEMOCRATS
Read 12 tweets
Apr 24
TEN THINGS DEMOCRATS ARE ENCOURAGED TO SAY TO TRUMP VOTERS WHO ARE GRAPPLING WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR DECISION

10. Well, who could have predicted that handing the country over to a pathological liar incapable of admitting he’s ever wrong could have led to such a shitshow
9. If the Democrats really thought all of those tariffs were such a bad idea, I’m sure they would have said something about it before the election

8. Look, splitting hairs over the precise definition of “insurrection” is well within the boundaries of political debate
7. I’ll bet a lot of people who completely ignored the Mueller Report were blindsided by Trump’s apparent support of Vladimir Putin against Ukraine and most of our other European allies
Read 8 tweets
Apr 9
TEN POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS FOR WHY TRUMP CALLED FOR A 90-DAY PAUSE ON SOME OF HIS TARIFFS

10. Belatedly realized how much cooler it would be if “Liberation Day” synced up with “Independence Day”

9. They caused so much winning that America was actually getting sick of it
8. There were concerns that they might make the border wall too expensive

7. Trump was hoping to return to the days when he was only the second-most deeply-loathed member of his administration
6. It was the result of a complicated mathematical formula involving an exhaustive history of international trade agreements and also the conveniently-timed occurrence of Opposite Day
Read 7 tweets

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