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Dreamweasel Profile picture
@Dreamweasel
Feb 2, 2022 • 11 tweets • 2 min read • Read on X
TRUMP: I solicited the Kremlin’s help to dig up dirt on HRC & I made promises to Putin that I never disclosed to the public & I fired Comey for investigating me and I really never cared if it was legal

MUELLER: Here is a 400-page summary of my findings; do with it what you will
TRUMP: I threatened Zelensky & I wanted my followers to stop the certification & I wanted Pence to overturn the election & I did everything within my power to interfere with Biden ever becoming President and I really never cared if it was legal

GARLAND: Well, don’t that beat all
TRUMP: Since nobody has held me accountable for anything I’m going to encourage my followers to take over election boards and I’ll promise to pardon anyone responsible for 1/6 and we’ll be ready and waiting to Stop the Next Steal because I still don’t care if any of this is legal
TRUMP: If anyone had wondered 10 years ago about the logistics of arresting a former President who attempted to incite an insurrection in broad daylight I imagine the general consensus is that they would be far less complicated than they are turning out to be in a practical sense
TRUMP: If my actions were cunning & deliberate, one might surmise my bluff would only be allowed to continue for as long as Democrats lack the political will to overcome the entire GOP apparatus that continues to bear-hug me like they’re rescuing an infant from a burning building
TRUMP: But the truth is that I have no cunning, no conscience, and simply blurt out whatever unfiltered thoughts pop into my head, come what may. The people who want to see me in power make excuses for whatever I just said, and that’s all I truly need to survive another day
TRUMP: Really, I see no reason I won’t be allowed to repeatedly say things like “I did mob crimes” on the teevee for the next two years and then claim the GOP nomination as if it were my birthright. For some reason, I never seem to face any negative consequences for anything I do
TRUMP: Remember the way Phil Hartman portrayed Ronald Reagan on SNL as a guy who was folksy to the public but calculatedly devious in private? That’s not me. I’m exactly like this all the time. There is no “off” button on my constant stream-of-consciousness bullshit
TRUMP: If there was one thing that Democrats & Republicans could unanimously agree on, it’s that the single worst thing I could do to myself would be to testify in court. I would incriminate myself 20 times in the first five minutes of testimony
TRUMP: So if you’re looking for reasons why the Democrats haven’t nailed me to the wall by now, I really don’t think “Trump is just too damned good at keeping secrets” would be anywhere near your list of Top Ten Finalists
TRUMP: The recent revelation that I was caught literally flushing confidential government paperwork down an actual White House toilet should only bolster the conclusion that I am the furthest thing from a sophisticated criminal mastermind

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More from @Dreamweasel

Dreamweasel Profile picture
Apr 24
TEN THINGS DEMOCRATS ARE ENCOURAGED TO SAY TO TRUMP VOTERS WHO ARE GRAPPLING WITH THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR DECISION

10. Well, who could have predicted that handing the country over to a pathological liar incapable of admitting he’s ever wrong could have led to such a shitshow
9. If the Democrats really thought all of those tariffs were such a bad idea, I’m sure they would have said something about it before the election

8. Look, splitting hairs over the precise definition of “insurrection” is well within the boundaries of political debate
7. I’ll bet a lot of people who completely ignored the Mueller Report were blindsided by Trump’s apparent support of Vladimir Putin against Ukraine and most of our other European allies
Read 8 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Apr 9
TEN POSSIBLE EXPLANATIONS FOR WHY TRUMP CALLED FOR A 90-DAY PAUSE ON SOME OF HIS TARIFFS

10. Belatedly realized how much cooler it would be if “Liberation Day” synced up with “Independence Day”

9. They caused so much winning that America was actually getting sick of it
8. There were concerns that they might make the border wall too expensive

7. Trump was hoping to return to the days when he was only the second-most deeply-loathed member of his administration
6. It was the result of a complicated mathematical formula involving an exhaustive history of international trade agreements and also the conveniently-timed occurrence of Opposite Day
Read 7 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Apr 3
TEN POTENTIAL MAGA EXCUSES FOR THE CRATERING U.S. ECONOMY

10. The squishy vibes-based numbers coming from Dow Jones & the NYSE are subject to manipulation from the Fake News Media, whereas the Consumer Confidence Index is driven by cold, hard data and is looking far more upbeat
9. What about that time Joe Biden unilaterally declared tariffs on dozens of countries for no good reason

8. The flightless waterfowl who live on the Heard and McDonald Islands of Antarctica clearly are not paying their fair share
7. Look, some of us are going to need to tighten our belts for an indefinite period of time unless we happen to be well-connected titans of industry who are willing to shower Trump with flattery and give him exactly what he wants
Read 8 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Mar 17
TEN POSSIBLE REASONS CHUCK SCHUMER HAD TO POSTPONE HIS BOOK TOUR

10. Security unable to handle enormous crowds of enthusiastic well-wishers

9. Too many venues unable to correctly spell “Capitulator-in-Chief”
8. Schumer physically exhausted after spending all week flagrantly ignoring the wishes of his constituents

7. No way for FBI to know which party is responsible in the event of a bomb threat
6. Needed to spend time thinking up new ways he could prevent the Trump Administration from carrying out their destructive and wildly unpopular plans before ultimately deciding not to bother with any of them
Read 6 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Mar 3
TEN THINGS TO WATCH FOR DURING TRUMP’S STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

10. You like gloating? Get ready for lots of that shit

9. As a response to the bird flu-related lockdowns, Trump will demand that farmers unmask their chickens and send them back to school
8. Every sitting member of Congress will deliver an oral presentation explaining to Chairman Musk what they accomplished last week and how they made the U.S. government more profitable
7. A sincere blessing for the world’s Catholics on the eve of Ash Wednesday which begins the annual observation of Lent

6. A somber “IN MEMORIAM” reel for all of the government agencies that have been permanently destroyed in the last six weeks
Read 7 tweets
Dreamweasel Profile picture
Jan 27
DEMOCRATS: Don’t touch the hot stove

VOTERS: (touch hot stove) AAAAAH!

DEMOCRATS: WE TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT

VOTERS: You’ll never get anywhere if you insist on blaming the voters
👨🏻: I’m tired of those sanctimonious Democrats suggesting I’m stupid for wanting to touch the hot stove

👱🏻‍♀️: I’ve heard enough about “Hot Stove Bad”; where are the Democrats making the case for the benefits of NOT touching the hot stove?
👨🏻‍🦳: I can’t be bothered to learn every little thing about the hot stove, so it’s up to the Democrats to actively persuade me why they have my best interests at heart without talking down to me

👩🏽‍🦱: If the Democrats cannot do this, then they are clearly the ones at fault
Read 8 tweets

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