Thread by @CubanMissileDH

LOTR 🧵: As an expert on Professor Tolkien’s work, I will now tell you definitively which character each of these posters for Amazon’s new Lord of the Rings show represent. First up, human diplomat Glumber Fussbottom, well known for his ornate CVS receipts. #LOTR

This is obviously the sword of Brucieum Wane, First Lord of Gothamdor. Look at the golden bat on the pommel of the sword. Too easy.

Next up is Elf Lord Choderiel, who was well known in the high forests of Lorien, which the Dwarves call Dwimordene, for making the most of what the stubby weapon the Gods gave him.

Here, clearly, we have Glên Danzig, of the Metal Hills, whose thunderous croon shook down the dread lord of Angmar’s castle during a dirty black summer.

Next up a lesser-known character, never named in the Silmarillion, hailing from the hills of Arnor who Professor Tolkien mentions only briefly as rolling up a piece of parchment and trying to kill a roach. Very obscure! Kudos to the writers, almost got me.

Another really obvious choice Frien Shap Brac Let, well known for her finely woven crafts and handmade jewelry. How her story will intersect with that of the Fall of Numenor remains to be seen.

This one tripped me up at first until I realized it is just one of the Meereenese assassins from Game of Thrones. Whether a mistake by the writers or an audacious crossover remains to be seen.

Sure to be a fan favorite, Tonï Starq, who was captured in the deserts of Rhûn and built himself an artificial power source to jumpstart his heart. Note the circular energy source dead center.

I am utterly shocked the writers would think to include Old Bakey the Baker of Mithlond. A minor figure in the legendarium, note the gold-flecked dough on his fingers. Spoiler: eats himself to death after the death of Lúthien Tinuviel.

This character will cause a lot of confusion. This is actually this year’s winner of blacksmithing reality show “Forged in Fire” who the writers put in the show in a misguided act of cross promotion. We’ll see what the fans think…

Really unhappy to see this guy is in the show. Berry Boy the Fruit Bard is one of Professor Tolkien’s least popular characters. His main contribution is several hundred pages of verse poetry and song about fruit. This guy sucks.

Pleasantly surprised to see Flor Ida of Harad in the show. Wedding planner to the Elves and High Men, we have long suspected she was responsible for more than tasteful bouquets and vegetarian dinner options. Could be the breakout character.

So pumped to FINALLY see Dirty Gertie Blerty and his sentient apple companion/lover get some screen time. Long theorized impossible to portray, the success of Call Me By Your Name and its human-fruit relationship must have emboldened the writers!

Finally, Broomgolient, the Sweeper of the Gods, Dustman of Heaven! Probably should have been saved for his own spin-off, the question remains which actor has a supple enough wrist to accurately portray this legend. Rumors are auditions required 6 months+ of training.

Remember that part in Willow when Willow throws the magic stone-inducing acorns? That was sweet. Probably something like that but with a Hobbit or some shit.

Another controversial character: Big Bēlt Buckle, a guy whose only role in the books is to say, “Do you like my belt buckle? Pretty big right?” Has grown on me over the years.

A personal favorite of mine: Met Ghala of the Wood Elves, an extremely glamorous warrior-woman, who shows up at every fancy party in Middle-Earth to show off her lewks. Yaaaas Queen of Mirkwood.

Finally, we end with Horse Dick, about whom very little is known.

I hope you enjoyed this expert-level Lord of the Rings thread. Having accurately identified these characters, I encourage you all to study Professor Tolkien’s texts! Until we meet again, remember, Êl síla erin lû e-govaned vîn!