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David Burge Profile picture
@iowahawkblog
Feb 4, 2022 • 12 tweets • 3 min read • Read on X
Fuck the Olympics
I am enthusiastically going to miss every goddamn second of them, you corporate totalitarian-fluffers
Don't miss the Xtreme stars going for the Toyota® gold in rad freestyle snowboarding on the Olympic® Games presented by Visa® exclusively on NBC and NBCSN! Download the Peacock® streaming app from Apple® or Google® !
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*may contain propaganda, slave labor, and virus labs
This is an event so momentous and spectacular it took all of the world's creepiest corporate and government supervillains working together to bring it to you
Congrats to Ming Zhou and Li Chaoxiang of China for advancing to the medal round in Pairs Journalist Arresting
And right on cue, this garbage website auto-emojis #Olympics #OpeningCeremony #Beijing2022 for you, like good little totalitarian pep squad bootlickers
I award you 1.5 social credits, beep boop

Machine learning developed at the Guanzhou Institute of Advanced Groovy American Teen Slang Talk
In fairness to Milkshake Duck, people only happy-tweeted about him *before* they found out he was a racist Image
Leni Reifenstahl's Olympia 2022, presented by Nike
Always a good idea to be a gracious guest, especially when your host runs a slave labor dungeon in his basement
Please note: network ad buys now often have audience size guarantees. If the audience is smaller than guarantee, the network ends having to make-good with free spots on other programs.

Be a real shame if NBC had to run a year-long fire sale on their ad inventory due to this

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More from @iowahawkblog

David Burge Profile picture
May 13
He should've been arrested for crimes against architecture
If you had $9 million to splurge on house and you ordered up this abomination, you should be deported to a dark site Venezuelan prison just on principle Image
I am granting all of you a hypothetical $10 million to spend only on a personal residence. Go catalog shopping on Zillow or Redfin and show me what you would spend it on
Read 12 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
May 10
Strap on your skates, today's #DavesCarIDService is here to examine the noble and sassy history of... the car hop!

These talented gals are whisking $0.40 chili burgers to a 1952 Mercury (left) and a 1953 Oldsmobile (right).
It might seem incomprehensible to those who have lived exclusively in the drive-thru era (since circa 1975) that roadside fast fooderies once employed waitstaffs to carry, or skate, orders to the cars of customers. But, true story, and not just a nostalgia movie fever dream.

With the ascendancy of widespread car ownership came the roadside restaurant, bringing with it a problem to be solved: how to get the food between the kitchen and the cars? The obvious solution was a team of perky uniformed gals (and initially guys). And Southern California was unsurprisingly an early hotbed of restaurants using this model. #1, a 1932 publicity photos of the hops at Carpenter's restaurant in L.A.; in #2, film comedian Monte Blue chows down in his electric toy car with another car hop in 1933 at an unidentified LA drive in.

In the late 1940s other solutions were being tested, like the bowling alley style chutes of the Motormat in LA (#3), or literal drive-thrus; in #4, Ye Market Place in Glendale 1949. A grocery store, believe it or not, but a few restaurants were trying this system at the time as well.Image
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But the distinction of first drive in, with the first car hops, belongs to Texas. Yee Hah! In 1921 Dallas businessman J.G. Kirby said "let there be drive ins" and opened the Pig Stand, complete with Flapper Era car hops. It became a popular chain in Texas; #2 shows Pig Stand #2 in South Oak Cliff, complete with pagoda roof.

I bet Bonnie & Clyde might've eaten at one after a bank job once or twice.Image
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Read 19 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
May 7
If I get hit by a car the day before I turn 65 who inherits my fucking money
So if I understand this correctly it's my fucking money, except I can't fucking check the fucking account balance, or fucking borrow against, or use as fucking collateral, or fucking leave to my kids, or fucking touch until they say so
Think of it paying 15% of your income for 50 years for a life insurance policy that names the government as the death beneficiary
Read 9 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
May 1
Who's this "we" Nutlick
"our children," but for companies Image
In honor of May 1, International Commie Day, I say let's seize the means of production from Apple and let Minister of iPhones Lutnick develop a 5 year plan for the Patriotic Peoples National Smartphone Works using the principles of scientific socialism
Read 7 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Apr 29
RIP math
So if, I'm understanding this correctly, there were 119 million fentanyl junkies waiting around on American street corners for their pushers to deliver 22 million fentanyl pills that they were going to split 5 ways into 119 million deadly doses
Thanks to the quick action of the White House the pills were intercepted, sparing the nation the tragedy and smell of a 100 day corpse count 50% higher than World War II in its entirety
Read 8 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Apr 28
Education has deteriorated so drastically in California and NY nobody there is even aware of this
Once again, this is an example of Simpson's Paradox at work. States like CA and NY have overall reading & math scores above MS and LA, but when adjusted for socioeconomic factors - school lunch eligibility, family income, race - Southern states are now outperforming.
Classic example of Simpson's Paradox: in baseball, batter A has a higher batting average than batter B, yet batter B has a higher average than A against both left handed and right handed pitchers.
Read 16 tweets

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