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David Burge Profile picture
@iowahawkblog
Feb 4, 2022 • 12 tweets • 3 min read • Read on X
Fuck the Olympics
I am enthusiastically going to miss every goddamn second of them, you corporate totalitarian-fluffers
Don't miss the Xtreme stars going for the Toyota® gold in rad freestyle snowboarding on the Olympic® Games presented by Visa® exclusively on NBC and NBCSN! Download the Peacock® streaming app from Apple® or Google® !
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.
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*may contain propaganda, slave labor, and virus labs
This is an event so momentous and spectacular it took all of the world's creepiest corporate and government supervillains working together to bring it to you
Congrats to Ming Zhou and Li Chaoxiang of China for advancing to the medal round in Pairs Journalist Arresting
And right on cue, this garbage website auto-emojis #Olympics #OpeningCeremony #Beijing2022 for you, like good little totalitarian pep squad bootlickers
I award you 1.5 social credits, beep boop

Machine learning developed at the Guanzhou Institute of Advanced Groovy American Teen Slang Talk
In fairness to Milkshake Duck, people only happy-tweeted about him *before* they found out he was a racist Image
Leni Reifenstahl's Olympia 2022, presented by Nike
Always a good idea to be a gracious guest, especially when your host runs a slave labor dungeon in his basement
Please note: network ad buys now often have audience size guarantees. If the audience is smaller than guarantee, the network ends having to make-good with free spots on other programs.

Be a real shame if NBC had to run a year-long fire sale on their ad inventory due to this

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More from @iowahawkblog

David Burge Profile picture
Apr 30
So I'm studying French in Duolingo and there's a thing where you read a conversation between two people. So the latest one is a kid talking to his dad, and the dad asks the kid what he wants to be when he grows up.

"A lion tamer!" says the kid. "Amazing!" says the dad.

/1
"I will tame the lion with my whip and put my head in his mouth!" says the kid. "I would pay to see that!" says the dad.

"And I will wear the fancy red coat with leather pants!" says the kid, "and the crowd will cheer me!"

/2
"That's why I want to be a lion tamer just like you, Papa!"

"Like me? But I'm not a lion tamer!"

"But Papa I opened your closet and saw your whip and leather pants!"

I swear to Dieu I am not making this up, and I barely survived laughing

/3
Read 6 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Apr 29
It used to be all Defund The Police, and now these stupid tankie mfs are all putting on $9.95 Amazon reflective vests and calling themselves 'marshals'
All Hail the People's Revolutionary Student Hall Monitor Brigades
Wyatt Derp Image
Read 4 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Apr 21
I've been telling you insecure social climbing dumbasses this for years
Image
I cannot stress this to Jewish parents enough: do NOT send your kids to an Ivy or bespoke private college. Send them to a school with a gigantic football stadium. They will love it, have a wonderful time, get a great education, make loads of friends, and crush life.
Just ask Mark Weisman, the Hebrew Hammer Image
Read 10 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Apr 17
Another coverup by Big Cannibal
"military says his WWII plane lost at sea"

apparently these Pentagon coverup hacks are now trying to gaslight us into ignoring the likelihood he was eaten by amphibious mer-cannibals
I never vote, but jfc if his stories are gonna keep getting crazier like this, he's got mine
Read 13 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Apr 11
I can't wait to tell my lowrider colleagues that the very smart white people have come up with another new word for them
It's about time we invented a new gender-neutral term for the big undifferentiated monolithic bucket into which we lump Mexicans, Cubans, Puerto Ricans, and Filipinos Image
The fucking stupidity of that paragraph literally makes my head hurt.

"'Latine' is a term for people of Latino origin"

"Catch-all terms like Hispanic or Latino blur important nuances, sot that's why we need a new catch-all term that is even MORE blurry" Image
Read 7 tweets
David Burge Profile picture
Apr 10
NPR trust is still at an all-time high in many key American demographic segments:

- Birdwatchers
- Unitarians
- Patrons of Vermont farmers markets
- Adminstrators of Vermont private colleges who enjoy birdwatching and Unitarian farmers markets
- people who list things they believe on yard signs
- Ben
- Jerry
- Subaru owners
- listeners like you
- that really annoying lady from HR
- middle school staff psychologists
- the white grad students who came up with "Latinx"
- sufferers of insomnia
- cat moms
- Vermont organic dairy cows who enjoy soothing NPR monotone during the milking experience
Read 5 tweets

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