Thread by @RussInCheshire

I would hate to ruin your weekend, so let's do #TheWeekInTory now, and get it over with.

Events since Tues

1. Jacob Rees-Mogg, the haunting end-product of The Child Catcher having hate-sex with a pendulum, was made “Minister for Brexit Opportunities”

2. It is 10,388 days since UKIP began the Leave campaign, so Brexit mastermind Rees-Mogg’s first move was to ask people who read The Sun to tell him what the hell any of it meant

3. The Public Accounts Committee found the only effect of Brexit was severe damage to UK trade

4. The Committee had told Tories for 4 years solid to sort out infrastructure at ports thrown into chaos by Brexit, but they'd done fuck all

6. Top Brexiteer Natalie Elphicke said port chaos is DEFINITELY NOT CAUSED BY BREXIT, merely caused by all the things Brexit had done

6. Boris Johnson, an abandoned candyfloss who does Prime Minister impressions, appointed unquestioning apparatchik Mark Spencer to be Leader of the House

7. Spencer is under fire after he allegedly sacked someone cos her “Muslimness” was upsetting fellow ministers

8. In a bizarre spasm, Spencer had voluntarily outed himself as being responsible for this

9. Then he'd deleted the tweet

10. Then he apparently underwent some sort of temporary mental aberration, and wrote exactly the same tweet again

11. Then he denied it was him

12. Now Spencer says “people in the real world” (which he sometimes visits) don’t care about partygate

13. 83% of people said they cared A LOT about partygate

14. John Major said Johnson was a “distinctly shifty” threat to democracy and should resign

15. So Guto Harri, Johnson’s effortlessly terrible new Comms chief, retweeted somebody agreeing with this notion

16. And then he deleted that tweet

17. And then the blathering shambles updated his Twitter bio to plead that he shouldn't be held responsible for what he says

18. Britain's first surviving heart, brain and ethics donor, Lucy Allan, said Major wanting Johnson to quit was “subverting democracy”

19. In 2019 Allan had demanded May quit

20. And only last month Allan said Johnson’s position was “terminal”

21. Off to 8-bit culture minister Nadine Dorries, who was happy for Johnson to lie, be corrupt, dissolve democracy, break international law, and be found guilty of crimes by the Met, but "if he kicked a dog I'd probably withdraw support”

22. Has anyone seen Dilyn recently?

23. Dorries then removed restrictions on Murdoch’s interference with the editorial independence of newspapers, which bodes well for democracy

24. Rishi Sunak boasted of his ongoing economic success

25. A report found his plans will push 1 million households into destitution

26. Sajid Javid, an Obscurial crammed inside a suit and forced to work in an office whilst plotting your destruction, pledged 15,000 new health workers

27. Brexit alone cost the UK 26,000 NHS workers

28. And there are 52,000 NHS staff off sick with Covid

29. And 1 in 7 NHS staff plan to quit, citing pay and conditions as the main reason

30. So naturally, Javid promised no improvements in pay or conditions

31. Meanwhile 200,000 new people are infected every day, and Covid deaths are up 43% from last week

32. So Johnson said he’d scrap Covid rules a month earlier than the most optimistic estimates allowed

33. He didn’t even discuss this decision with scientists

34. A SAGE member said “this is pure politics, not science”

35. Chris Witty was “blindsided” by the announcement

36. Gillian Keegan, health minister, knowingly held a face-to-face meeting while positive for Covid

37. The Met, now under new – I’m gonna use the word “leadership” in the absence of anything better – is considering reopening enquiries into Johnson’s refurb and Tory blackmail

38. Kwasi Kwarteng said fraud wasn’t an everyday experience

39. Fraud is up 36%

40. And Rishi Sunak wrote of £4.3 billion lost to fraud in a single year

41. North Korean wannabe Nadhim Zahawi suggested students should be officially banned from criticising Boris Johnson

42. Just as Johnson was telling parliament his partygate crisis was over, a new photo emerged

43. It showed Johnson with tinsel, Santa hats and open bottles of champagne 2 days after he’d told the public “I can tell you once again that I certainly broke no rules”

44. He told MPs the Met has already seen that photo

45. The Met said they hadn't

46. They both talk bollocks, so either could be true

47. Anyway, that’s yet another “work meeting” being investigated by police

48. More than 50 are now being investigated

49. Liz Truss, a foreign secretary you'd expect to get free with a HappyMeal, told MPs the “toughest sanctions” against Moscow would be in place by 10 Feb

50. On 11th she flew off to terrify Moscow with those sanctions, having unfortunately neglected to put sanctions in place

51. Moscow, for some reason unterrified by the clumbidextrous doofus Truss, said speaking to her was “like talking to a deaf person”

52. Her diplomatic mission was so good, reports described her as “throwing insults” and “accusing people of not listening”

53. ITV reported “if anything, the situation is now worse than before she arrived, which is an achievement in itself”

54. Russia then walked out of a press conference Truss had arranged to tell everybody how well her negotiations were going

55. And then, to demonstrate how mighty Britain can be when not held back by the evil EU, Machiavellian genius Boris Johnson went on TV to *publicly announce* his top-secret plan for outwitting Putin

56. All since Tuesday. Haven't the little scamps been busy!

Anyway, look, none of you asked for this, and it's a horrible thing to just show up in your timeline. But since you're here, maybe you'd consider giving a small donation to the Red Cross crisis appeal for the most vulnerable in Britain

Thanks so much

donate.redcross.org.uk/appeal/uk-cris…