Discover and read the best of Twitter Threads about #TheWeekInTory

Most recents (24)

#TheWeekInTory returns, and I’m very sorry, but it’s a monster. The little scamps have achieved quite a lot in the - yep - FIVE DAYS - since the last one.

Let’s dive straight in with probably the most gobsmacking sentence you’ll read all year…
1. NHS staff were polled on whether, in recognition of their efforts to fight Covid 19, they would prefer to be given a badge or a snack box

2. It was reported 2 out of every 3 hospices will have to make redundancies. In a pandemic.
3. The govt published a poster: “We plan to cut all homeless people in half by 2025”, which is a bit severe even for Priti Patel

4. The govt insisted we all comply with Test and Trace rules, and then excluded restaurants in the Palace of Westminster from Test and Trace rules
Read 45 tweets
Here comes another #TheWeekInTory, and I'm afraid it's quite lengthy.

The positive we can take from this is that if you start now, you can probably get through the 2 bottles of gin you'll definitely need before the end.

Uncork and begin...
1. Boris Johnson announced a new 3 Tier lockdown system, with the lowest Tier being “medium”, like at McDonalds

2. As part of the announcement, the Chief Medical Officer reassuringly said the plan wouldn’t work

3. The govt said “in all cases, we are following the science”
4. It was revealed the SAGE science committee told the govt to lockdown weeks ago, but that bit of science wasn’t followed very far

5. SAGE went on to say the govt’s “world-beating” £12bn Test and Trace system was having only “a marginal impact on transmission rates”
Read 36 tweets
The thing I regret most about #TheWeekInTory is the actual events.

But just behind that is the fact I called it #TheWeekInTory, when in reality I am having to do one every 2 days.

Anyway, grab a pint of Laudanum, hide any sharp objects, and dive in…
1. A few days ago Boris Johnson excitingly announced 40 new hospitals he’d excitingly announced only last year; and then he arbitrarily upped it to 48 hospitals, cos whatever

2. To show how serious he is, he allocated a budget that will pay for slightly fewer than 2 hospitals
3. I don’t want to put doubt in your mind, but he’s promised us a garden bridge, and airport on a floating island in the Thames, and a bridge to Ireland...

4. Anyway, he then promised to turn Britain into “a new Jerusalem”, one of the most violent and divided places on earth
Read 28 tweets
I was gonna do another #TheWeekInTory but, try as I might, I could not find a thing they’d done wrong since Friday.

No corruption. No ineptitude. No lies. No hypocrisy. Just a solid 96 hours of honest, decent and reliable governance.

Only kidding: it’s an absolute shit-show...
1. A report found the “Eat Out To Help Out” scheme cost £500m and didn’t do a single thing to improve the economy of the UK’s hospitality sector

2. However, it did help to double the number of infections, although they forgot how to count, so didn't notice
3. As infections spiked, the govt briefly woke up and introduced local lockdowns

4. But predictably, the local councils responsible for implementing the new plans were given literally (not making this up) 5 minutes warning and no additional resources whatsoever
Read 31 tweets
Hey Russ, didn’t you just do #TheWeekInTory on Monday?

Yes. Yes, I did.

But you’re having to do another on Thursday?

I don’t make the rules. And apparently, Boris Johnson doesn’t either.

Anyway, here we go again...
1. Boris Johnson said “The rules are very simple”

2. Then he got the rules wrong

3. Then he said “the rules are confusing”

4. Then he said he’d fine anybody breaking the rules £1000

5. Then his dad broke them

6. Then Boris immediately didn’t fine him a penny
7. This week's fabulous quote from an anonymous Tory MP: “[Boris Johnson] genuinely doesn't give a flying fuck what the policy is, he's never done the homework, so he doesn't know anything. There really is no point in talking to the Prime Minister about policy at all”
Read 25 tweets
I was gonna leave #TheWeekInTory until Friday, but at their current rate it'll be 1000 tweets long by then, and I'm worried about you, mate.

It's OK to get drunk on at 5pm on Monday, isn't it? Well, that's my recommendation anyway. Here goes...
1. In June Boris Johnson said to Black Lives Matter protestors: “I hear you”, and acknowledged the “incontrovertible, undeniable feeling of injustice” that “we simply cannot ignore”

2. So obviously, 40 Tory MPs refused to take part in unconscious bias training
3. The govt shut pubs an hour early, seemingly under the impression coronavirus (an inert, sub-microscopic infectious entity with no brain or nervous system) can tell the time

4. The govt demanded we all follow the rules

5. The govt exempted House Of Commons bars from the rules
Read 33 tweets
#TheWeekInTory returns for the second time in 4 days

The weeks grow shorter, but the days last forever

Anyway: don your athletic support, lower your visor, drink heavily, and start with some comparatively minor corruption...
1. The consultant who advised the govt to look for "alternative arrangements" on the Irish Border is in line for a £200m contract if alternative arrangements go ahead

2. But to facilitate this, the govt has to break international law with the Internal Market Bill (IMB)
3. Nobody can tell us what the "alternative arrangements" are, but the IMB passed through parliament anyway

4. The UK’s highest-ranking law officer in Scotland resigned over the IMB

5. The UK’s special envoy on media freedom, Amal Clooney (yes, that one) quit over IMB
Read 37 tweets
#TheWeekInTory had to pause for a bit while I dealt with a poorly old mum. So this is actually about 3 weeks, very compressed

I dreaded coming back to this. I mean, honestly, where do you start?

Deep breath…
1. Theresa May couldn’t agree a Withdrawal Agreement (WI) because – in news that will shock the millions who warned about this – it’s impossible due do without accepting EU rules, or harming NI, or breaking up the UK, or crippling the economy, or all of the above
2. Nevertheless, Boris Johnson agreed a WI from the EU

3. Then Tories voted to accelerate the Withdrawal Agreement through parliament, specifically so it wouldn’t have to face scrutiny

4. And Boris Johnson withdrew the whip – sacked – 21 Tories who didn’t support the delay
Read 37 tweets
@RussInCheshire I'm so sorry to hear about your mum. I must say, you're being remarkably stoic about it. I dare say you're in bits inside. Be kind to yourself. 😇

Meanwhile, don't worry about #TheWeekInTory. I've made some notes for you...
@RussInCheshire To start off #TheWeekInTory, some good news —possibly because it's got nothing to do with Tories.

19AUG20: The 1st polar bear to be born in UK for 2yrs will move from its Scottish home to an English Park.

Hmm. That might make a good metaphor for something more political...
@RussInCheshire 1.#WorldHumanitarianDay began tragically when the body of a 16yr-old Sudanese refugee trying to cross the Channel with a friend in a dinghy rowed by shovels washed up on a French beach.

2.Priti Patel responded with invective against criminal gangs, bypassing compassion & concern
Read 54 tweets
It’s Tuesday, #TheWeekInTory is already 80 points long, and I’m very sorry you have to read it.

And even more sorry I had to write the bloody thing.

Anyway, here goes.
1. The govt announced quarantine for people returning from France

2. It waited until everyone had made travel plans, then brought the policy forwards 24 hours

3. And then an MP using the name “Grant Shapps” helpfully told everybody the wrong date for the start of quarantine
4. Irony’s own Bermuda Triangle, Priti Patel, said migrants were only coming here because the French are all racist and Germans torture people

5. Days after MoD said Patel’s plans for channel protection were “completely potty”, the Navy refused to send warships into the Channel
Read 53 tweets

1. The govt said they had to "balance the nation’s health with our economy", and in that respect, they have succeeded: both are evenly balanced as the worst in the G7

2. So Boris Johnson went on holiday. See if you even notice.
3. Britain’s death toll, pretty much the worst per-capita in the developed world, rose again to the levels it was 2 months ago

4. Fortunately, the govt solved those deaths by the simple expedient of publishing the figures on a different website and not telling anybody
5. A mere 6 months into the Covid-19 crisis, the govt advertised for a "Head of Pandemic Preparedness" with a salary of – honest to god – less than mine. And I do colouring-in for a living.

6. In Feb the govt said "nobody will go hungry as a result of Covid-19"
Read 29 tweets
#TheWeekInTory is a monster today because they’ve been, well, even busier than usual, the scamps

1. The dictionary definition of Honour is, “the quality of knowing and doing what is morally right”. Keep that in mind as we tackle the Honours system
2. Boris Johnson gave lifetime appointments to his own brother, and to the editor of the Telegraph, the newspaper which provided Johnson with his most obsequious coverage
3. Theresa May’s husband was knighted for “political service”, although an ITV investigation found “a brief stint as chairman of Wimbledon Conservative Assoc was as close as he got to politics”. But he was named in the Panama Papers, which is credentials enough for this govt
Read 41 tweets

1. The govt launched a “Fix your bike” voucher website

2. It broke in less than an hour

3. The govt said we should all lose weight

4. The govt is still issuing vouchers to help us buy burgers
5. It was revealed the govt spent £400m buying a bankrupt satellite company, OneWeb, to replace the Euro GPS system we lose due to Brexit

6. Months before, a study by MIT found that OneWeb’s tech is 6x less efficient than the EU solution: the worst of the technologies studied
7. In June the govt merged the Dept for International Development into the Foreign Office, and said the move "guaranteed there would be no cuts in International Aid"

8. This week the gov cut International Aid by £2.9bn
Read 20 tweets
#TheWeekInTory is a misnomer: this just covers the last 5 days

1. Matt Hancock told Parliament lockdown started on 16th March, the day SAGE told them to, so all those unnecessary deaths didn’t happen

2. But lockdown started on 24th March, and all those unnecessary deaths did
3. The govt announced a “New Deal” for infrastructure, with £600bn of new money

4. Turns out, only 0.8% of that is new money

5. The £34bn “new money” for the NHS was actually announced in 2018

6. The govt then announced £3bn of additional funding for a possible second wave
7. That’s less than half the £8bn NHS England said it needed just to stand still, which hasn’t happened

8. Matt Hancock said wearing a mask is mandatory

9. Downing St said wearing a mask ISN'T mandatory

10. So Gavin Williamson cleared it all up by saying they're both right 👍🏼
Read 18 tweets
1. The govt relaxed the rules on eating in restaurants, as long as the restaurants followed the guidelines

2. To promote this, the Chancellor posed for a photo-op serving customers in Wagamama, whilst breaking the guidelines
3. Having told us, since 3 Feb, that masks were: useful, not useful, recommended, not recommended, essential for health workers, not essential for teachers, useful in “small spaces” but not on buses, and then on buses but not in shops, the govt had its most spasmodic week to date
4. (Coincidentally, it was revealed the govt awarded, without tender, a £3m “coronavirus communications operation” contract to 2 right-wing campaigners, which seems quite a lot for the, ahem, operation described above)
Read 25 tweets

1. Boris Johnson nominated Chris Grayling to chair the Intelligence Committee

2. Yes. Chris Grayling.

3. Matt Hancock said “I'm really pleased that the Domestic Abuse Bill has been passed” 12 hours after he voted against it, so maybe it's catching
4. A Sage official govt scientific report said test and trace must be improved before schools were re-opened

5. The following day the Education Minister said he would fine parents who didn’t send kids to schools. Test and Trace is still not working.
6. In March, Govt advice said we must “urgently discharge all hospital in-patients who are medically fit to leave”, including elderly patients returning to care homes

7. As a result, 25,000 patients were discharged into care homes without a coronavirus test
Read 19 tweets
This episode of #TheWeekInTory is just stuff since Friday

1. Ineptitude alert: due to Brexit the UK is leaving the EU’s Galileo satellite scheme, which is vital for satnav

2. Independent experts said developing our own satellite system would cost around £4bn
3. So instead, the govt announced £500m investment to make existing satellites to do the job

4. But they are too close to earth to be used for GPS positioning, so cannot work

5. A space policy expert said “The fundamental starting point is, we’ve bought the wrong satellites”
6. Democracy news: it was reported “PM wants Brexiteer to head Civil Service”

7. But the Code of Conduct says Civil Servants “must not act in a way that is determined by party political considerations”

8. Then Michael Gove gave a major speech about the need to decentralise govt
Read 23 tweets
#TheWeekInTory (Wed to Sun)

1. Let’s start with the milder corruption: it was revealed Matt Hancock tried to block 400 homes and a primary school near Newmarket racecourse, after receiving at least £65,000 in donations from horseracing bigwigs who opposed the scheme
2. And then Robert Jenrick, the Housing Minister, overruled his dept and planning officers to rush through planning permission that saved Richard Desmond a £45m fee. Desmond is a billionaire pornographer, former-Express owner, and (subsequent to this) a Tory donor
3. The Tory Manifesto says: “we will offer more homes to local families, enabling councils to use developers’ contributions via the planning process”

4. The lost £45m was the “developers’ contribution”. One of Britain’s most deprived areas lost it. A billionaire kept it.
Read 23 tweets
Part 2 of #TheWeekInTory (Wed to Sun)

1. The actual Paymaster General suggested we spend the International Aid budget on a new yacht for the Queen

2. And the actual Foreign Secretary said “taking the knee” was an act of subjugation, and was taken from Game Of Thrones
3. And then actual Health Minister was filmed breaking social distancing rules in Parliament

4. And then the actual Care Minister said student nurses didn’t need financial aid as they volunteered to fight Covid 19 as they “are not deemed to be providing a service”
5. And then the actual Culture Secretary said theatres could reopen if we had musicals in which nobody was allowed to sing

6. Sub-thread of quotes from anonymous Tory MPs and Ministers this week:
Read 28 tweets
An early #TheWeekInTory (Sun to Tues), but things are moving crazy fast

1. Last week the govt said “we will work around the clock to ensure nobody goes hungry as a result of this crisis”

2. Then 4 days later the govt ended free meals for the poorest 1.3m children
3. So Marcus Rashford called for meal vouchers for hungry children during school holidays

4. But Boris Johnson’s spokesman said “the MP understands the issues” and refused to change the policy

5. So Rashford continue to campaign for meals to be provided
6. But Boris Johnson refused to do this as it would cost £115m to feed all those children

7. EasyJet got £600m in April

8. And the govt is spending £900,000 painting the PM’s plane with what cabinet sources called “an Austin Powers-style union jack”
Read 26 tweets
#TheWeekInTory part 2 (from Wed to Sat)

1. The first study of our “world-beating contact tracing” found it was unable to trace 33% of people with coronavirus

2. National Audit Office found the govt ignored warnings to stockpile PPE for almost a month
3. NAO also found less than half the expected PPE was handed out

4. NAO found 25,000 patients were discharged to care homes without testing

5. About half Covid deaths were in care homes

6. Matt Hancock said we had “thrown a protective ring” around care homes
7. New laws said you could visit a dying relative. But the govt chose to make this a criminal law, rather than just guidance

8. So if your sick mum doesn’t die, you can literally go to jail
Read 26 tweets
I'm having a few days off, so here's an early #TheWeekInTory

Don't worry. They've been busy.

1. The govt said “we will work around the clock to ensure nobody goes hungry as a result of this crisis”

2. Four days later the govt ended free meals for the poorest 1.3m children
3. The govt ruled that teachers must wear face-masks on public transport whilst travelling to school “for safety reasons”

4. The govt then ruled that teachers must NOT wear face-masks in schools
5. Matt Hancock said he was “100% guided by the science”

6. A leading govt scientist said the failure to enter lockdown sooner “has cost a lot of lives”

7. Matt Hancock said that bit of science was wrong
Read 26 tweets

1. The govt reduced the UK-wide coronavirus alert level on the advice of the “Joint Biosecurity Centre"

2. Matt Hancock revealed the “Joint Biosecurity Centre” doesn’t exist yet

3. Boris Johnson said he was “very proud” of the UK’s response
4. After previously telling us facemasks were essential, then not essential, then essential, then not essential, then essential, then not essential (6 U-turn) the govt said facemasks were, actually, essential

5. But not until 15th June. 2 weeks more of them being not-essential
6. And then NHS leaders revealed they hadn’t been consulted on any of this

7. The govt announced dentists were returning to work the following day

8. And then dentists said they also hadn’t been consulted about this, or even warned it was happening
Read 23 tweets

1: Govt issued rules to quarantine new arrivals

2: Their definition of "quarantine" allows popping out for food, using public transport, and moving house

3: Told us 113 people died the day lockdown was relaxed

4: It was actually 556, the highest for a month
5: Said it was safe to relax the lockdown because infections were down

6: Infections are at least 900% higher than the day the lockdown was started

7: Refused to release a report into high BAME deaths, because there's too much racism right now to let them address race issues
8: Stopped electronic voting in parliament because it's "undemocratic" if MPs aren't standing behind Boris Johnson, yelling during PMQs

9: Italy's parliament has been successfully doing electronic voting throughout the lockdown

10: The Lords are still doing electronic voting
Read 18 tweets

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