Thread by @UrsulaV

Tonight’s horror saga is THE WITCH. Most of what I know is that Black Phillip the goat was apparently a raging asshole and busted his co-star’s ribs.

(I read that they picked him because he had the best horns in the roster of available goats.)

Gosh, being a Puritan sucked.

ME: This was all your people.
KEVIN: Hey! We weren’t Puritans.
ME: Protestants! The Catholics had indulgences for this shit.
KEVIN: …look, the Puritans took it to extremes.

Okay, I actually generally dislike goats, but Black Phillip is one magnificent caprine motherfucker.

Goddamn, Puritan Dad is super ripped and, for some reason, chopping wood in a towel.

Whew, okay, the dog does not fare well in this one.

I know that witches appearing as hares is mythologically accurate, but also this rabbit is kicking everybody’s ass harder than a Monty Python sketch.

Kid, that is a creepy house in the woods with a suspiciously clean Goth chick in it. You gonna die.

Puberty is hard.

ME: Aaaand the brother showed up naked in the cow pen.
KEVIN: Yeah…
ME: You say that like showing up naked in the cow pen is just something that happens.
KEVIN: Testosterone and puberty is a helluva drug.

Dead because you wanted an apple. This reminds me of an anthropology class where I pointed out that the supposed witches always thought small. “I cursed the cow! I lamed the horse!” Bitch, if I’m selling my soul, I want control of the Eastern Seaboard.

The instructor was a lovely grad student who had no idea what to do with that. I think of her fondly.

I have no idea what is going on now in this movie except that shit is fucked.

Oh, Black Philip just gutted Dad and the improperly stacked firewood fell on him. Probably there’s a moral lesson here.

And now we’re just gonna sell our soul to Satan, I see.

Well, at that point, what’ve you really got to lose? Everybody’s dead, you’re outcast from society, might as well sign it over o the smooth-talking goat.

I’m still skeptical about all the nudity in the woods, though. We have poison ivy, people.

Welp, that was sure a thing I watched.