Thread by @UrsulaV

It’s D&D night and the bugbears have come to negotiate to ask the party to either kill or kidnap the hedgehog archaeologist that they came to rescue.
DIPLOMAT: Prince says take stupid hedgepig and go!

PARTY: We want to do this.
DIPLOMAT: Prince gives you a thousand gold if you kill hedgepig.
PARTY: Why?
DIPLOMAT: Horrible lying hedgepig!

BARD: I’m going to roll insight to see if he’s telling the truth.
PARTY: *proceeds to roll the worst collection of botches and low rolls imaginable*
GM: As far as you’re concerned, this hedgehog is worse than Hitler.

Some questioning indicates that the hedgehog is holed up with the female bugbears and the Prince wants her gone. The party has been directed to the cook, who is making rat pastries, and may be able to drug the food to prevent combat.

PARTY: This smells delicious!
COOK: Rat croquettes.
PARTY: OMG

The cook is obviously unwilling to talk with the other bugbears around, so the Bard attempts to distract the others with a song.
MONK: And I shall dance!
GM: Roll Performance.
MONK: *rolls a 19*
BUGBEAR: Is big dog…single?

MONK: Yes. VERY single! I’m a monk!
BUGBEAR: Bugbear is open to new experiences.
MONK: Well, you could go to the monastery and undergo initiation…
BUGBEAR: Bugbear is not looking for long term commitment.

After frantic discussion, the Warlock is now suggesting that the Monk attempt to seduce the bugbear prince.

Honestly, as the GM, I should have seen that coming.

WARLOCK: Take out the guard!
MONK: I attempt to stomp on the Bugbear’s feet.
GM: You get a surprise round.
MONK: *rolls a 1*
GM: …you shove your feet between his and succeed in knocking him into you. His face is level with your cleavage. He is very happy.

GM: It is the Bugbear’s turn. He makes happy wub noises.
MONK: *sighs*
MONK: I try to hit him with my quarterstaff.
MONK: *misses*
GM: You have pinned him against you. He is into it.

BARD: *stabs the bugbear*
BUGBEAR: Ow!
BUGBEAR: Never fear, my love, will kill stupid dog thing so can be together!
BUGBEAR: *whacks Bard down to 1 hp*
MONK: I’m a dog…
BUGBEAR: But beautiful dog! Like bear!

MONK: *finally rolls a 23*
GM: You slay the bugbear who loved you.
MONK: I am gonna need so much meditation after this.

It is revealed that the evil bugbear prince slew his…slightly less evil…brother after most of the warriors went off to fight in the Temple of Elemental Evil. The hedgehog has locked herself in with the female bugbears, and they are refusing to come out.

The prince is holding several baby bugbears hostage against the good behavior of the others! The horror!

Carrying the hedgehog, who is pretending to be dead, and the dying bugbear, who is quietly bleeding out in the monk’s cleavage, they head for the Prince’s chamber.

The bugbear guards roll so badly that they do not notice that the bugbear translator is (mostly) dead until the party is actually in the room and past them.

The bugbear chief rolled a 3 on his Wisdom save. Sigh.

GM: One of the guards is saying something. The hedgehog whispers that he’s asking where the translator is.
WARLOCK: What happens if I make a suggestive gesture and point to the monk?
MONK: You DIE.
GM: The guard laughs and lets you past.

FINALLY THE GUARD NOTICES

MONK: I roll to throw the almost-corpse at the guard.
MONK: *rolls a 1, again*
PARTY: …
GM: …
ROGUE: Too much Derpsnake for you.
GM: You hug the dying bugbear to your chest. He gazes up at you with glazed eyes and whispers “Is this…heaven…?”

Aaaand we call it for the night, as the rogue tries to pick the lock on the shackled bugbear cubs, the guards realize something is up, the barbarian goes berserk because BABIES ARE SAD and the monk has reaffirmed that life is suffering.

GM: You know, if you want to take bugbears as a favored enemy after this, I’ll allow it.
MONK: I MIGHT DO THAT YES