Thread by @JDKirkBooks

For about ten years, as @barryhutchison, I visited schools all over the UK, talking about my children's #books, #reading, and all that fun stuff. #authorevents are a huge part of a children's author's job, and I really enjoyed it. However...

@barryhutchison Today, I'm going to tell you about my worst ever #authorvisit. It's a belter, so you might want to grab a cup of tea and some biscuits.

It was 2012. I was on a tour of Manchester with the brilliant @scottishbktrust, doing ten events around the city. The first nine went brilliantly. But the tenth... Sweet, merciful Christ, the tenth...

I won't name the secondary school in question. According to Ofsted, it was at the time the worst performing school in Manchester, and for truancy, the worst in the UK. We didn't know this until we had to Google the address, and found it out.

We arrived at the school. The first thing we saw was a male teacher out front, trying to light a cigarette with trembling hands. He watched us with dark, hollow eyes as we passed, in what I now realise should have been a warning.

I was talking to Year 7s. Usually, they're an enthusiastic bunch, still full of childish joy and wonder.

I stress the word, "usually."

I'd been told we were getting 'the best of the best' for the event. The teacher proudly told us that none of them had a single instance of truancy since the half-term break.

I feel I should point out at this juncture that four days had elapsed since the half-term break.

Despite them being the best of the best, a surly male teacher insisted on stopping them one by one at the door and loudly warning them to behave, spending up to a full minute berating each child before snarling at them to take a seat in the hall.

This meant that we were half an hour late getting started. By which time, chaos had erupted. Kids were fighting in the aisles. Some girls up the back were openly smoking. Everyone was shouting over each other, and someone loudly declared that "Adam is wanking!"

I can neither confirm nor deny whether Adam was wanking. As a visiting author, that was none of my business.

So, the surly teacher comes storming in and starts screaming at the kids to shut up. Properly screaming, with veins bulging on his head, and his whole body shaking with rage. He finally got them reasonably quiet, then pointed to me and said, "This man is disgusted with you all."

Cue 150 kids all fucking glaring at me like they want me dead.

With the possible exception of Adam, who may or may not have been otherwise occupied.

The teacher tells the kids that he doesn't want to hear another word from them. One boy says, "OK, sir."

The teacher goes mental. "NO! Not a word. Not another word!"

"Sorry, sir," comes the reply.

The teacher changes colour before my eyes.

"IF ANYONE SAYS ANOTHER WORD, YOU'RE ALL GETTING DETENTION!" he screams.

At which point, 150 children all start coughing.

Whoops, got to run for an hour - I'll continue this when I'm back!

Right, I'm back. Where was I?

Oh yes, a hall full of children all fake coughing at an angry, red-faced teacher.

He's having zero luck getting them to behave, so he announces he's going to get the Deputy Head. Nobody appears to give a shit.

He storms off leaving me alone on stage. The kids are fighting again. They're smoking. Adam may or may not be cranking one out in the back row.

After a few minutes, a small, unassuming looking woman enters. She introduces herself to me as the Deputy Head, smiles and says, "I'll just quieten them down for you," and walks to the front of the stage.

She does something that I've seen done in primary schools to great success. Without saying a word, she puts a finger to her lips and raises her hand, calmly calling for silence.

150 kids completely fucking ignore her. She stands there for about a minute and a half, then turns to me, smiles, and says, "Good luck."

Then, she leaves. Just walks out.

There are a few teachers still in the hall, but they're all huddled together in one corner, looking at their phones, pretending not to be there.

I realise I'm on my own. Or so I think. Then, salvation appears in the form of the ranty red-faced teacher.

He comes storming back in, forehead veins throbbing, his face twisted in rage. He's furious. He's not about to let these little bastards show him up. He barges past me again, and takes centre stage.

"This behaviour is shocking!" he screams. "You're getting a bloody treat here. You could easily be back in class, you know?!"

He then utters the phrase that dooms the session to failure...

"Hands up who'd like to go back to class and do lessons?!"

90% of the hands in the room shoot up. His bluff called, he deflates before my eyes.

"Well, you can't. So you'll just have to deal with it," he said.

He leaves again, shooting daggers at me like all this is my fault.

Finally, I am alone. Just me, 150 feral children, and 5 teachers who are pretending not to be there.

Oh, and two people from @scottishbktrust who are trying very hard not to laugh and failing quite badly. The bastards.

I start to shout over the racket. They ignore me, but I persevere, and after two or three minutes I think I'm starting to turn the tide. Some of them are listening.

And then, from five rows back, one teenage boy stands up...

"WHAT THE FUCK AM I EVEN DOING HERE?!" he demands. "I fucking hate books! What's the fucking point?!"

I stare at him, unable to formulate a response. I can't give him an answer. By this point in proceedings, even I fucking hate books.

Before I can agree with him, however, surly red-faced teacher explodes in through the door. He's clearly been lurking out there, listening in. He screams at the boy to get outside.

Doing so involves him passing within a couple of feet of where I'm standing...

As the kid passes, he takes a wild swing at me, like he might be able to knock me out and end this ordeal here and now. I'm tempted to let him, but dodge the punch like a goddamned ninja.

The teacher grabs him and practically throws him out of the hall.

The shock of it all actually works in my favour. The rest of the hall goes silent, not quite able to believe what just happened.

I laugh it off and continue with the event.

Fifteen seconds later, the door is thrown open, and the boy is dragged back into the hall.

He is manhandled into the seat DIRECTLY in front of me - three feet away, tops - and told to, "SIT THERE AND SHUT UP!"

The surly teacher leaves the room again.

Two other teachers leave, too.

From that point on, he proceeds to mutter, "boring," or "fuck off," or "shut the fuck up," after everything I say, while glaring at me like he wishes me dead.

Everyone is talking again. A chair flies across the room. The girls are smoking. Adam's back at the wanking. Possibly.

I turn to the guys from the @scottishbktrust. They're dismantling my banners and packing up the books. They eye the door. I nod. We leave.

As far as I'm aware, nobody noticed us go.

And that was the end of by far my worst ever school visit, and one of only two I ever cut short. Thanks for listening. It was good to get it off my chest.

#AuthorsOfTwitter - do you have any horror stories about events you've done? Love to hear them. #NightmareAuthorEvents

Here's me at a much less traumatic event around about the same time, should you want a visual. There were no photos of the Manchester event. Thankfully.

What doesn’t kill us…