@CanadaPain@aander1987@CTVW5 I wish I could articulate the differences with #SuicideDue2Pain. For the better part of 30 yrs I’ve struggled with suicidality. For 8 yrs I did not. For the last 2 of untreated pain there’s been times where physical pain + emotional and psych pain could’ve led to suicide. BUT…
@CanadaPain@aander1987@CTVW5 Even as I wait for possible MAiD. With my pain so bad, so acute. I need relief in the same way humans need air. #SuicideDue2Pain has become almost involuntary. I have to believe that for some CPP in some instances. It’s almost a reflex like breathing and swallowing.
@CanadaPain@aander1987@CTVW5 You can hold back both for a bit. But eventually the body takes over. You never know when you can no longer hold your breath. Even if you wanna hold it in. Even if you want to live.
There IS a difference btwn #SuicideDue2Pain and mental illness alone. I know bc I’ve lived both.
@CanadaPain@aander1987@CTVW5 PLS hear me say I’m not AT ALL diminishing emotional, psych, trauma pain. I have felt that pressure that’s also hard to resist. This comes into play w chronic pain too. I’m just acutely aware of something markedly different. We need to understand this and HC must act accordingly.
#MAiD is only merciful if you are *only* willing to put me out of my misery, not relieve it.
Not support me through it.
Not remedy the remediable.
I don’t need my disabilities to disappear. I don’t expect my chronic pain or illness to be cured. But when every doctor, system, level of government REFUSES to give the remedies that are only within their power to give. It’s like knife woundS that never stop bleeding.
So don’t be surprised when I bleed out. After all, #MAiD is the only request you were willing to grant. The only one you heard through all the stabbing.
When I think abt how hard disabled people are fighting to rollback—not expand #MAiD. Knowing Canada lawmakers don’t even wanna hear from the ppl whose euthanasia they make possible but nothing more. I’m not optimistic. Which is why #DisabilityFilibuster is built on a deeper hope.
I’ll admit I’m not rich in hope either. Not when my govt’s only assistance is in dying. Not when doctors, the healthcare system and policy make me sicker, cause unnecessary pain, disability and trauma. Which is why I thought of this Václav Havel quote from “Disturbing the Peace.”
Which is why when I think abt Havel’s ‘elsewhere’ as a ‘true source of the breathtaking dimension of the human spirit and its efforts’ I think abt crip spaces like @DisabilityFili1. It’s a heavy weight to individually and collectively carry knowing I am worth-less bc I’m disabled
SO WHAT if my pain is amplified by my psych, childhood trauma, or brain? Last time I checked my brain is part of my body, my abuse wasn’t my fault, and depression, anxiety is CAUSED by #ChronicPain not the other way around. If #opioids will stop me from using #MAiD, sUicIDe and…
More physical and mental health problems and disability isn’t that the role of medicine and Medicine? Is there supposed to be a risk VS reward calculation in Medicine? We use c19 vaxx bc risk for severe side effects is tiny but the benefits are life saving. My risk of OD = <1%…
Risk that I’ll be dead by years end by MAiD or my own hand? 90% Tbc it isn’t just adequate opioids that I’m being denied. Health Canada opiate policy and propaganda has so biased drs and pushed them to deny clinical judgment and compassion that I can’t get any healthcare anymore.
12hrs ago I decided I’d go to the ER. I can no longer tolerate this much acute pain that’s been much worse for 4days. I fell down stairs Sat bc of leg weakness, hip instability. I stumbled, nearly fell while standing in place today for the same reason
I did not go to the ER. Not bc I have no cause. Not bc my pain is insignificant. Much less pain has taken me before. I have developed a new symptom in a constellation of them that my dr continues to ignore and dismiss. My mind races w worry about what’s happening and what’s next.
I did not go the ER. I have been talking myself out of going and into going all day. I no longer need doctors and nurses to minimize, delegitimize, dismiss or berate my pain and disability. I’ve internalized their ableism and I have my own abusive voice. It has frozen me in place
My dear friend, roomie and author Gilaine E. Mitchell wrote me this for Easter. Not really an Easter poem but it means a lot that she spent a wk writing this. She doesn’t understand everything I’m going thru and is struggling w me considering MAiD. But she sees, knows, loves me.
Alt Text:
Ditto
I can tell you what she’s like
But it wouldn’t be right
The hands on her clock are
Between numbers, always
There is no exact moment
When she is the same.
She moves painfully, assuredly
Throughout our home
Wrestling with cursed flesh and bone
Tears cried for her own fate.
And then a chuckle from some other room
And a story shared, some article
She’s looked up
Her opinion in parentheses.
@mssinenomine Was reminded today of my competitive swimming days when coach would make us tread water for a very long time. Then as extra “punishment” and competition would have us tread with these 10 lbs bricks. They were heavy and awkward enough that you’d have to hang on with both hands.
@mssinenomine Hands free treading is tough enough to keep your head above water, esp when you’re tired and your leg muscles are screaming. Load me down w weight, it ain’t long before I’m sucking more water than air, trying to keep my barely above water face, positioned just right to get oxygen
@mssinenomine There comes a point that it does not matter how hard you try, how strong you are, even the best swimmer either gets pulled under and sinks. Or has to drop the brick and get out of the water to get air. Either way, you lose.